Who cares that I feel like crap? Not me (anymore) by Suzanne Wigginton

View attachment 2173 Suzanne is a registered hypnotherapist and masseuse with ME/CFS. She is offering a free course in hypnotherapy to one person in Phoenix. In this blog she talks about 'acceptance'.

I do not feel well much of the time. Be assured, this is just an unbiased observation not a judgment, a call to pity-party or a martyrs grandstand. Looking back over my life, I can admit I have persisted in illness more than I have experienced what most would claim as good health. An underlying inexplicable frailty prevails for me and daily life revolveshas always revolvedaround its management with varying degrees of success. I have begun pondering the possibility that sub-par physical health simply "is what it is" for me. If that is indeed my truth, I have an opportunity to accept that and reconsider a few things.

Historically, I have harshly judged the reality of my physical health, deeming myself and labeled by others as sickly, defective and weak.

Any downslide on my wellness spectrum generates anxiety, grief, wrath and ultimately despondency. In response to my perceived deficiencies, I have poured untold resources (both material and energetic) into Herculean efforts for breakthroughs, and although I have enjoyed intermittent improvements and gained productive insights, my day-to-day tally of feel well vs. not feel well remains virtually unchanged.

To be clear, this is not a resignation to or claim of eternal sickness, thereby denying myself the possibility of good health. In fact, I believe my former paradigm of self-criticism, defeatism and suffering potentially kept me locked into revolving manifestation. No, I am not resigning myself to being sick; I am merely considering a more neutral stance regarding my health whereby I dont allow how I am physically to completely dictate how I experience life mentally and emotionally. This is also not an abdication of my former commitments to honor, nourish and appreciate my physical being.

In an article on Belifenet.com, "What Price Glory",Anne A. Simkinson interviews Laura Hillenbrand, author of Seabiscuit: An American Legend. They discuss her history with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and how writing the book affected her life. She shares:
I am not somebody who thinks I am entitled to good health or to a good peaceful happy life. We are fortunate when we have them, but when we dont have them its not that someones taking them away from us. It just happens. [This attitude] has made it easier for me to deal with [my illness] than someone else who thinks, Why me?"
Ms. Hillenbrands physical debilitation has been longstanding and profound yet she wrote a bestselling award-winning novel, not in spite of her physical health, but right along beside her health challenges. I am awed and inspired by the accomplishment and this woman.

Is it possible to separate my emotions and attitudes from how I am doing physically? Probably not, however, I do believe I can work at not responding by feeling dominated and decimated. I can work to not rage against my physical status or let it equate to who I am or what Im worth. Moreover, if good health in the long-term sense is not in the cards for me, I wish to find ways and means of expressing who I am in any moment, shining my light right alongside being physically unwell.

As I reflect, a new question arises. How can I agree to be okay with not being well when I am in the wellness field? The very mission statement for my business reads, "assisting you in reaching a state of wellness and stillness so you may hear the whisper of your own inner wisdom and claim a richly rewarding life". The truth is when I enjoy the rewards of stillness and tune into the voice of my own inner wisdom, I know that my worthy pursuits are seeking balance in my emotional and mental realmsa quest for equanimity. This is where wellness resides for me.

Thus, my declaration: I will strive to remain in a place of non-judgment about my day-to-day physical health standing and eschew an all-consuming chase after answers and cures. As an example, today I observe that my throat hurts, my level of fatigue has increased since yesterday, my neck is tight, my joints are achy andthere is still much I can do. I can choose to feel capable, creative and worthy. I can write, organize, relfect, meditate, dream, plan, love, communicate and live. The fact that there are things on the could-do list that are out of my reach is a blessing of clarity about where my time and efforts are best spent in the moments that make up my today.

I have never before attempted a personal paradigm shift this deeply engrained. This experiment in true acceptance could be a real game-changer for me. During this season of thanks, I am grateful for the opportunity to try out a new perspective. Do you have unexpected or unconventional blessings to add to your own gratitude list?

Loving (and accepting) me,


Suzanne



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Comments

Thanks for posting, it's wonderful that Suzanne has a vocation that she can practice as well. :)
 
I think I can honestly say that Acceptance has been the single most important thing I've done for my recovery. It's the starting point for everything else I do. I used to love the word "hope"; but these days I find that hope leaves me a bit uncertain. Hope lives in the realm of tomorrow; through acceptance, I am living in today-- in "the Now". And yes, I' do have hope that there will be a treatment and a cure for us ..... but I don't "live" there. My happiness doesn't hang on the promise of the future.

I have been much helped on my path toward acceptance by Eckhard Tolle, Byron Katie and by "The Alchemy of Illness" by Kat Duff. (An amazing, thoughtful book by a really fine writer with ME/CFS.)

Thanks, Cort.
 
Suzanne,
You have summed up what I am coming to after being ill for 2 decades: acceptance.
I no longer have it in me to fight this illness; it has gotten me no where.
Can I accept myself the way that I am?
I have no more fight in me I have no choice: accept or die.
Maybe by accepting I will finally start a new journey in living as I am today not hoping or waiting for what I was once upon a time to return.
Pinky
 
I too am fascinated by Laura Hillenbrand. I once had hope, but don't anymore. Well, I should rephrase that. I once had hope to get well, but gave up after all of these years. Hope is a lot of work. And I am tired of having hope dashed. All the money that I have spent trying to get well, I could have bought a nice cozy house.

Anyway, thank you for this. Thank you for expressing a lot of what I feel.
 
Maybe by accepting I will finally start a new journey in living as I am today not hoping or waiting for what I was once upon a time to return.
All the Buddhists and people like Eckhardt Tolle and on my side Werner Erhard - they all say this is essential for everyone - healthy or unhealthy - it's just harder for unhealthy people because our pictures of the way things were supposed to turn out are so different from the way they did turn out. Its a bigger adjustment for us. It is something, though, that everyone has to grapple with - I think its called 'part of being human' :)
 

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