Due to a number of inquiries, privately, I decided to oblige and create this short and matter of fact post. Others on this forum might also have a interest in as far as it possibly relates to ME/CFS.
This is not posted to gain sympathy, or pity in any form. I decided to post this because I (and my healthcare team) thinks it shows a perspective on the possible development of ME/CFS that appears lesser focused on than the viral angle, though certainly not ignored or unknown. There are a few site pondering a link between childhood trauma and CFS, but none mentioning ME/CFS. Here is one such example:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19124690/
The below details are indisputable fact. My entire healthcare team has my files for both private and internal government records detailing in minute fashion the realities of these facts.
What follows isn’t entirely pleasant, but necessary to the end point. I will keep as plain as possible (the removal of my emotional states during the experiences), in hopes that the details will be less dredging on the readers emotions. So be aware.
I’ve mentioned I’ve had an adventurous life, and have started to place some of those adventure stories here in my blog, Breath of a Wolf’s Trail. However, not all my adventures were fun and exciting.
Before I had even reached 5 winters old I was accustomed to regular recurring pain and fear. I was beaten on a regular basis from my earliest memories through around 8 winters. My uncle told me years later he called them WDB’s - Wolf’s daily beatings. Though the beatings had nothing to do with my uncle or father.
By the time I reached 10 winters I was so used to pain that it rarely affected me beyond enraging me. I felt far more rage than I did any pain at that point. I started training martial arts between the age of 9 and 10. By my 13th winter I was fighting in illegal street rings designed for kids by nasty people who simply exploited kids to make money. Winners took away cash.
It was due to that involvement that one day I was lured to a large house that I was told would have a fight in the basement with a nice cash reward for the winner. That was my first experience inside a very abusive and dangerous cult that was well known by authorities in the early and mid 80’s. For almost 3 years I endured ugly interactions with that cult. It was my first experience witnessing human death, and feeling it in my hands, and I can never forget it.
My first near death experience was at the hands of that cult. At age 13 I was thrown into a metal water trough in a basement by a man and woman. They held me under until I drown. After-which they resuscitated me on the moldy concrete floor, and told me that now I belonged to them and would be used to commune with a bastard demon. Yes there is a long story in itself there…
After being recruited at too young an age, I began my CST training in the agency. After graduating I went on to specialized training at various private training compounds. And after that I went through SF training. I became a Special Operations Officer with a very specialized skill set. I trained at Camp Perry, Ft Detrick, Snow Mountain, Coronado and Little Creek.
During that employment I saw and experienced things that just shouldn’t exist in any world. They will remain with me my entire life.
During my time in that profession I had 3 more near death experiences. The first was another drowning. I was captured south of the boarder, and after being beaten I endured waterboarding. But since I had cracked ribs and contusions from the beating, I couldn’t hold my breath for long, nor resits the water. After drowning my captors were so kind as to resuscitate me for interrogation. I was rescued 4 days later.
I was captured again during an op that went wrong in northern South America. It was a horrid place, a scopolamine den used for human trafficking and the sick twisted things that go along with it. I was stripped and chained to a metal chair with my feet in water. Wires were strung from the chair to a car battery that had a toggle switch tied in. Eventually my heart gave out. I was revived with a shot of adrenaline directly into the heart. I spent 5 more days in that place before escaping.
My last near death experience came when I was exposed to chemical warfare and was severely poisoned in 05. The toxin was arsenic trioxide, tampin, tamulotoxin, cytotoxin and histamines. I had a blood concentration of arsenic trioxide at 1,300/mcg/L. It took amazing efforts and skills of the agencies medical team to bring me back from that one. That one changed my body forever. For a view of med doc showing details, see this private thread: Ref Doc
I’ve seen more death and suffering through those years than anyone really wants to know about.
I have endured a ridiculous amount of injuries, many grievous, in my life. I literally have scars from the top of my head to my toes and on every part of my body. You name it, there are scars. 20 broken and or cracked bones, 7 severed tendons, many sprains of ankle, wrist and elbow, 5 chest wall contusions, numerous organ contusions, a partially collapsed chest wall, nerve damage in numerous regions, 7 major concussions, 5 stab wounds, one shattered foot, broken teeth, over 35 major lacerations, two dislocated shoulders, many lacerated tendons and torn ligaments, damaged spleen stomach, lungs and small intestine from being poisoned in 05… and yes more.
It is the opinion of my medical team, which spans multiple countries, that the ME/CFS I deal with was not caused by virus, like it appears to with so many. I’m sure most people in this forum know that ME/CFS can be caused by trauma, even childbirth. Every test we’ve run over the years for viruses and parasites has come up negative. Every round of anti-virals have done nothing on the positive or negative side of the spectrum. Even taking daily prednisone for a whole winter and then tapering off didn’t trigger any viral episode. This isn’t to say they aren’t there and hiding, but we’ve found nothing. What we can be sure of is the fact that my system has endured more trauma on a chronic level, spanning decades, and the human body just isn’t built for it. Pile on the reality that in that line of work we are trained to seal off our emotional states in order that we can do the tasks at hand. But we all understand that the body remembers everything, including years of emotions that were not able to be expressed. These mutate and eventually cause physical issues. The suppression of extreme emotional content simply compounds the physical trauma.
One of my docs who has access to internal government, found a small paper that mentioned, I think, 75% of American SF and Spec Op individuals developed one or more neuroimmune diseases after retirement. Supposedly studies are being developed to look into it, but so far as he knows, none have actually started.
And here I am today dealing with all I deal with. This is not to say my current position is worse than someone else's position. I never compare such things on a scale, as each of us has varying capacities of experiencing and dealing with, and so extremes fluctuate from person to person.
Due to my level of involvement with the clandestine, for National Security and legality reasons, my options are surprisingly limited as to who I can contact about what level, and what organizations are even allowed to work with me in higher capacities that deal with anything that occurred during those years. I am lucky enough to have some quality heatlhcare specialists that span a number of different countries. Those out of country have a bit more play, but access is obviously difficult. But we are all working it as best we can, and I am positive that it will eventually payoff.
It is important to understand that I’m not saying my ME/CFS was caused by trauma, or at least completely. Though I’ve gone though many years filled with numerous experiences that turned into trauma, I’ve also had many other events that very well could have contributed, or even been the base cause of the ME/CFS; being poisoned, being electrocuted (brain and nervous system alteration/damage), being injected with various drugs during torture and so on. However, in my humble opinion, in my own case, I do feel the level and chronic nature of trauma did have a large hand to play in the development of ME/CFS in my system.
Of all my experiences of the foulest regions of life, I’ve been lucky enough to have experienced much of the exact opposite as well. I have memories of sheer horror that continue to visit me by day and by night on a fluctuating basis. My wife has gotten so used to it that for years now she can literally wake me up from a night terror without even waking up herself. But I have an amazing amount of wonderful memories and experiences as well. I have a wonderful and highly supportive wife of 27 years, a son I can be proud of, a small but incredible group of friends (though all long distance), a good home, strong spirituality, lots of hobbies (though most are limited right now), and a very positive attitude. Positivity has always been a strong point of mine. And though positivity does not seem to keep us from falling ill, it can greatly assist us in navigating it, and living with these adverse conditions. It’s like that one scene in Harry Potter where Ron is trying to read Harry’s tea leaves. Ron says, “So You’re going to suffer, but you’re going to be happy about it.” Ha, yea... well I think that is a good place to leave off.
This is not posted to gain sympathy, or pity in any form. I decided to post this because I (and my healthcare team) thinks it shows a perspective on the possible development of ME/CFS that appears lesser focused on than the viral angle, though certainly not ignored or unknown. There are a few site pondering a link between childhood trauma and CFS, but none mentioning ME/CFS. Here is one such example:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19124690/
The below details are indisputable fact. My entire healthcare team has my files for both private and internal government records detailing in minute fashion the realities of these facts.
What follows isn’t entirely pleasant, but necessary to the end point. I will keep as plain as possible (the removal of my emotional states during the experiences), in hopes that the details will be less dredging on the readers emotions. So be aware.
I’ve mentioned I’ve had an adventurous life, and have started to place some of those adventure stories here in my blog, Breath of a Wolf’s Trail. However, not all my adventures were fun and exciting.
Before I had even reached 5 winters old I was accustomed to regular recurring pain and fear. I was beaten on a regular basis from my earliest memories through around 8 winters. My uncle told me years later he called them WDB’s - Wolf’s daily beatings. Though the beatings had nothing to do with my uncle or father.
By the time I reached 10 winters I was so used to pain that it rarely affected me beyond enraging me. I felt far more rage than I did any pain at that point. I started training martial arts between the age of 9 and 10. By my 13th winter I was fighting in illegal street rings designed for kids by nasty people who simply exploited kids to make money. Winners took away cash.
It was due to that involvement that one day I was lured to a large house that I was told would have a fight in the basement with a nice cash reward for the winner. That was my first experience inside a very abusive and dangerous cult that was well known by authorities in the early and mid 80’s. For almost 3 years I endured ugly interactions with that cult. It was my first experience witnessing human death, and feeling it in my hands, and I can never forget it.
My first near death experience was at the hands of that cult. At age 13 I was thrown into a metal water trough in a basement by a man and woman. They held me under until I drown. After-which they resuscitated me on the moldy concrete floor, and told me that now I belonged to them and would be used to commune with a bastard demon. Yes there is a long story in itself there…
After being recruited at too young an age, I began my CST training in the agency. After graduating I went on to specialized training at various private training compounds. And after that I went through SF training. I became a Special Operations Officer with a very specialized skill set. I trained at Camp Perry, Ft Detrick, Snow Mountain, Coronado and Little Creek.
During that employment I saw and experienced things that just shouldn’t exist in any world. They will remain with me my entire life.
During my time in that profession I had 3 more near death experiences. The first was another drowning. I was captured south of the boarder, and after being beaten I endured waterboarding. But since I had cracked ribs and contusions from the beating, I couldn’t hold my breath for long, nor resits the water. After drowning my captors were so kind as to resuscitate me for interrogation. I was rescued 4 days later.
I was captured again during an op that went wrong in northern South America. It was a horrid place, a scopolamine den used for human trafficking and the sick twisted things that go along with it. I was stripped and chained to a metal chair with my feet in water. Wires were strung from the chair to a car battery that had a toggle switch tied in. Eventually my heart gave out. I was revived with a shot of adrenaline directly into the heart. I spent 5 more days in that place before escaping.
My last near death experience came when I was exposed to chemical warfare and was severely poisoned in 05. The toxin was arsenic trioxide, tampin, tamulotoxin, cytotoxin and histamines. I had a blood concentration of arsenic trioxide at 1,300/mcg/L. It took amazing efforts and skills of the agencies medical team to bring me back from that one. That one changed my body forever. For a view of med doc showing details, see this private thread: Ref Doc
I’ve seen more death and suffering through those years than anyone really wants to know about.
I have endured a ridiculous amount of injuries, many grievous, in my life. I literally have scars from the top of my head to my toes and on every part of my body. You name it, there are scars. 20 broken and or cracked bones, 7 severed tendons, many sprains of ankle, wrist and elbow, 5 chest wall contusions, numerous organ contusions, a partially collapsed chest wall, nerve damage in numerous regions, 7 major concussions, 5 stab wounds, one shattered foot, broken teeth, over 35 major lacerations, two dislocated shoulders, many lacerated tendons and torn ligaments, damaged spleen stomach, lungs and small intestine from being poisoned in 05… and yes more.
It is the opinion of my medical team, which spans multiple countries, that the ME/CFS I deal with was not caused by virus, like it appears to with so many. I’m sure most people in this forum know that ME/CFS can be caused by trauma, even childbirth. Every test we’ve run over the years for viruses and parasites has come up negative. Every round of anti-virals have done nothing on the positive or negative side of the spectrum. Even taking daily prednisone for a whole winter and then tapering off didn’t trigger any viral episode. This isn’t to say they aren’t there and hiding, but we’ve found nothing. What we can be sure of is the fact that my system has endured more trauma on a chronic level, spanning decades, and the human body just isn’t built for it. Pile on the reality that in that line of work we are trained to seal off our emotional states in order that we can do the tasks at hand. But we all understand that the body remembers everything, including years of emotions that were not able to be expressed. These mutate and eventually cause physical issues. The suppression of extreme emotional content simply compounds the physical trauma.
One of my docs who has access to internal government, found a small paper that mentioned, I think, 75% of American SF and Spec Op individuals developed one or more neuroimmune diseases after retirement. Supposedly studies are being developed to look into it, but so far as he knows, none have actually started.
And here I am today dealing with all I deal with. This is not to say my current position is worse than someone else's position. I never compare such things on a scale, as each of us has varying capacities of experiencing and dealing with, and so extremes fluctuate from person to person.
Due to my level of involvement with the clandestine, for National Security and legality reasons, my options are surprisingly limited as to who I can contact about what level, and what organizations are even allowed to work with me in higher capacities that deal with anything that occurred during those years. I am lucky enough to have some quality heatlhcare specialists that span a number of different countries. Those out of country have a bit more play, but access is obviously difficult. But we are all working it as best we can, and I am positive that it will eventually payoff.
It is important to understand that I’m not saying my ME/CFS was caused by trauma, or at least completely. Though I’ve gone though many years filled with numerous experiences that turned into trauma, I’ve also had many other events that very well could have contributed, or even been the base cause of the ME/CFS; being poisoned, being electrocuted (brain and nervous system alteration/damage), being injected with various drugs during torture and so on. However, in my humble opinion, in my own case, I do feel the level and chronic nature of trauma did have a large hand to play in the development of ME/CFS in my system.
Of all my experiences of the foulest regions of life, I’ve been lucky enough to have experienced much of the exact opposite as well. I have memories of sheer horror that continue to visit me by day and by night on a fluctuating basis. My wife has gotten so used to it that for years now she can literally wake me up from a night terror without even waking up herself. But I have an amazing amount of wonderful memories and experiences as well. I have a wonderful and highly supportive wife of 27 years, a son I can be proud of, a small but incredible group of friends (though all long distance), a good home, strong spirituality, lots of hobbies (though most are limited right now), and a very positive attitude. Positivity has always been a strong point of mine. And though positivity does not seem to keep us from falling ill, it can greatly assist us in navigating it, and living with these adverse conditions. It’s like that one scene in Harry Potter where Ron is trying to read Harry’s tea leaves. Ron says, “So You’re going to suffer, but you’re going to be happy about it.” Ha, yea... well I think that is a good place to leave off.
