To blue skies...and far away places.

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I thought I would follow up, with where things are at, after such a downward spiral last week.

Thank you to all who reached out, private messaged me and so forth. I know it may seem inappropriate to talk about menstrual cycles since there are so many men on here, but I feel that I want to set it free; set it free what it is like not just to have CFS, but what it is like to have CFS and hormonal issues. I want it on record what it is like to have CFS and then go into perimenopause. Or menopause.

3 years ago, I went to Mexico by myself on a 7 day getaway. I sat on the beach and listened to my iPod, snorkeled and spent my nights having dinner with a guy I had met on my excursion. I took loads of pictures, walked everywhere, went to Playa del Carmen for the day and drank. Tequila was one of my favorite drinks once. When I look back, it amazes me that I was able to get up at 3:30 am for the flight; I took showers everyday and took the time to get ready for dinner and I sat in the sun for hours everyday. I was able to mingle and get excited about "stuff," whether it was my going to dinner, talking to guests from Europe or flirting with a fellow American. I had CFS, I worked and I was still vital. Mind you, I spent a lot of time sleeping or taking a nap, but I "did" stuff and enjoyed it. I had joy and was full of vigor in spite of being tired. I made it work for me.

A year later in 2008, I fell apart. I had messed up menstrual cycles, panic attacks and going away was out of the question. I went to the shore for a vacation, which was an hour's drive away. I had a nice relaxing time, but nothing, I mean NOTHING like the year before. My memory and cognitive abilities started slipping. I remember being at the shore and I was trying to play a game of cards and I couldn't figure it out. I finally said, "F" it. I was told by 3 gynecologists that summer, that I was in perimenopause and that I should go on progesterone, which I did. I was also told to take calcium, which I also did. I was extremely depressed, incredibly tired and I couldn't sleep as well anymore. The light within me started dimming.

Things got a little better and I was able to keep working. I felt lifeless though and tired. I pushed through life. This was in the fall of 2008. I had some ok days, but nothing great. I was still able to feel like I was part of society due to working. Other than that though, I really couldn't do much. Things became an effort and I became stressed out over nothing. The gynecologist that I was seeing at the time remarked about my liver function test, citing that it was pretty messed up. Yes, I know. She suspected that was part of my problem and surely it is. Part of the problem.

Then I started dating and I had a boyfriend. A boyfriend that was too much work. I will not go further into that, as I feel I have already divulged too much. I will say, I hadn't had a boyfriend since 1994, when I was 24. A boyfriend who was available at least. A little too available. And I became a lot too sick.

Fall of 2009 came and I was sick, but pushing. Winter and then spring of 2010 came and I am far from Mexico. I am in Antarctica. The wind and the whiteout blow around me. I cannot be outside. No lounging in a chair by the beach for me. What beach? Snorkeling? It's too cold and there is no light to snorkel. All of the fish are dead. I am locked away in something warmer than an igloo; my apartment. I feel so cold. I feel so far from warmth and light. I have moments. Moments of happiness, but as I sit here trying to read about the Rolling Stones re-relased "Exile on Mainstreet," I think to myself, "How is it I cannot process this article in Rolling Stone about one of my favorite bands?" Plus, I want to be excited about this. I want to be excited about this article, but I really could care less. Huh? I am too ill.

6 days after my period, and the suicidal thoughts have gone. But that blah feeling, that feeling like everything is too much remains. After this period, which still isn't over; my sight is worse. I can't stand up without feeling lightheaded and I am nervous about driving. I am wearing reading glasses like some sort of switch has turned off. I don't wear glasses folks. I have reading glasses, but my sight is screwed right now. Can I now scream the "F" word please?! Plus, I need more light for some reason. Everything feels or seems dark. I am having trouble connecting the dots. Yesterday, I walked outside to find my car in a different place then where I had walked to find it, which left me feeling nuts.

I wonder when I get my period and with different ebbs and flows throughout the month, I wonder...does my hypothalamus shrink? What is up with my brain, the glands and the hormones. Why does my period disable me? When I say disable, I mean "unable to do anything." Why in the middle of the month, can I think better? Of course estrogen is related, but why to this extent?

So, now I wait. I wait to feel better and hope I do. I take off from work for 3 months or longer. I do not make any plans. I do not make any plans. I do not make any plans. Yes, I am repeating that because every time I do, I get sick and I am sick of it. I rest and do only what needs to be done. I make jewelry only to sell it via web. I try and relax. I try and relax. I try and relax. I repeat that because relaxing for me anymore is so hard and yet that is what my body wants. To relax.

And I sit here and think of Mexico.
"Oh, Mexico
It sounds so simple, I just got to go"

And, I will hope for another time, another day, another hour where I can feel that life. That vigor. That hope that I once had. To blue skies and the smell of the ocean. To cocktails and guacamole on corn chips. To living. May we all live again.


i'm a guy and that's o.k. by me, I love minstrels that ride cycles! And yes I feel it in my gut (excuse the pun) that we are all going to live again!
like i have said before, your very artistic and write beautifully, i feel like i've been to mexico, drinking tequila, sitting by a Pool
thanks :)
This is why it's so important to tell these stories. It shows what this disease takes away from us. Everything that makes life worth living. It's so easy for people to look at us on the outside and think we should just shut up and deal, but these are the things that are taken away. Just the ability to go out and have fun or do anything.
Very well written. I really feel for you at that time of the month. Most guys just do not understand how much our hormonal issues affect us & how critical it is to our well being for them to be understanding & tolerant of our "bad" days.
And now that those days have disappeared for me (quite literally in a 90 second laser treatment), I can only say to you........It WILL end one day & you WILL feel fantastic once more.
Another poignant piece that just made me want to cry. Hang on there. I firmly believe better times are coming for CFS - the research is looking up, we're about to have a really positive study on treatment come out, XMRV may be turning around, things seem to be happening......I feel that more than ever. :)
Thank you for liking this. I am surprised because I used to be such a good writer. Not as much anymore. I think this is ok. It takes me awhile to construct things and put it all together so I feel like I am not as proficient in getting my point across. I like writing on here because it makes me think and put my brain to use, not that it isn't already. I still love writing.
You really hit the nail on the head with this piece. It is amazing what we can go through, just how sick we feel, yet our pain and suffering isn't even recognized as real by so many doctors... still.

So honest and well written. Really well done and your point was clearly made, no question. Quite emotionally gripping.
Spitfire I really enjoyed your piece, I've never been to Mexico either so feel I've had a taste of it too!
I was a really chatty sociable person before becoming ill, I now feel quite emotionally mute, suppressing so much, people around care but really don't understand. Reading stories like yours enables me to empathise and get back in touch with my feelings. thank you for that.

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