Ever since having been on VFEND for killing yeast, falling due to a wedge sandel and then immediately getting my period, all in the same time, a week and a half ago; I have been sick as a dog. The biggest problem is, I can't sleep.
When people write on here how they sleep 14 hours, I feel jealous. I have never had that problem with CFS. I have never been able to sleep. I have been sleeping 3 and 4 hours a night. I understand how sleeping too much is awful, but not sleeping is worse. I don't know how anyone can function, or how I am even functioning on such little sleep. I wake up with this feeling of "Holy Shit"...like a gun just went off in my head, and that is it. I am in extreme pain, which has been the primary symptom of this year.
It just amazes me how I have this new symptom called pain. Pain, like Carrigon speaks of that I have no idea where it has come from. It's the new major symptom that predominates everything.
So, I am in full on anxiety mode, texting my friends...I can't do both concerts, I can only do one and I am having a breakdown. I need someone to go to U2. Or is it Soundgarden I should bag? Or both, I mean, I can't "effin" sleep. Therefore, I can't think.
Another thing that has happened, is that I am not wanting to work anymore. I am tired of my job. I want to quit. Why work and do all of these events when I am too sick to even function? I have limited desire on the jewelry design front due to lack of sleeping and unpredictability.
I am miserable.
The amount of stress I have had from work, on top of the fact that this past weekend my computer or internet blew out due to a major storm. No internet. It was Comcast but it was also Apple and the gadgets I bought (the router which was $400) 2 years ago, that went bust. A "Time Capsule" which backs your stuff up (but wasn't with mine) Also, the battery in my Apple computer, fell out and was oozing out, so that I had to spend my Saturday at the Apple store. It was a defect on Apple's part, but the stress from this, the pain, the illness, the concerts coming up, the date I had and thinking about work....
I am at my wits end, but when aren't I?
Seriously though, I don't want to work as much. And, now I don't want to go to either concert.
I want to be put to sleep. I want what Michael Jackson had...anesthesia to go to sleep for 14 hours.
I know it's awful sleeping all the time, but I would take that over this. I feel nuts and I can't take it anymore. Yes, I have ambien, Klonopin, Dilaudid, Ibuprofen, but NOTHING is helping me to sleep. Nothing.
I can say it on here and hopefully not be judged, but I hate my life. I HATE IT. I would trade it for death at anytime. I don't have enough good times, moments, sleep, or sound decisions to make my life worthwhile. I spend so much time alone that I think, why am I here? And when I do go out, I feel like I am with people who I don't truly always want to be with. Well people. People who don't get me.
I have very few CFS friends really. Not in my area. Only on here and some of the CFS friends in my real life bother me because they are constantly looking for the holy grail to get better. After 23 years (my one friend has had it that long) you are going to fly here, fly there, see this doctor, try voodoo or whatever it is you are trying....every other month.....still? I can't relate. I have accepted this thing. There is NO BEATING IT. You may get better, only to relapse...............again. So all of your money spent, essentially is going out the door, unless you consider feeling better for a month or two, worth the $ thousands you just spent. I love my CFS friends, but some of them I have nothing in common with anymore. The one I talk to and enjoy talking to...actually, there are 2; they both have learned that this illness does what it wants, in spite of all the promised cures that doctor's offer.
Yes, I know. I am sure some are scoffing that I am saying that. You are mad....right? I would just like to have a convo with a CFS friend about how they are living this so called life with CFS, what there problems are from it. I don't want to hear how they just went here or there for this crazy ass treatment. That. will. only. work.....momentarily.
There are a lot of new people on here who will dislike this post. I did all of that traveling and hoping for a treatment from 1989 until 2004. And that was it for me. That's 15 years of serious hope. The hope faded and so did my savings.
Am I here to work? For what? All of the bills that I can never truly get a grasp on? And I get sicker from working causing me to spend more time at the doc's or on meds that are expensive.
"F" it. Please don't write me how you are mad that I am saying this. These are my feelings. Let me have them. Let me vent and feel what it is that I am feeling. I am a veteran with this illness. I have been sick since I was a kid. I am allowed to be angry.