The Faith of Fate

Destiny is a very strange thing. Sometimes in your life, you come to a crossroad, and you can see that crossroad. And you get to make a choice. How much of that choice is free will and how much of it is destiny, I've never been sure. What I do know is, if I hadn't gotten sick, my life would have been very different. But I've done alot of things since becoming sick that I never would have done had I been healthy.

What's really interesting is when hidden talents come out that you didn't even know you had. But they were sort of there in the background just waiting to be let out. That happened with me.

When I was in high school, I was one of the very first computer hackers. I actually hacked into my teacher's pc from across the room with him watching me do it. It was great, no security back then, he was powerless to stop me. My hacking talent was there, my ability to decipher computer codes and read and write computer languages. It was always there, just hidden beneath the surface. But I didn't get to use it again until almost ten years later. I started to hack games. And eventually went on to help create the SimPE program for Sims 2 and create over six hundred coded files for the game. What's interesting is I never would have done it if I were healthy. I'd be out doing other things in the world.

The SimPE program and the files I've created and the tutorials I've written are used in nearly every country in the world that plays Sims games. I spent about twelve years of my life making people happy every day all around the world. And I did it for no money because I knew I was doing what I was meant to be doing by God.

After my mother died, my relatives tried to belittle and make fun of my work. They did everything in their power to try to get me to stop doing it. I couldn't convince them that I had really been doing what I was meant to be doing. And I think that's a real test of faith. Who is anyone to question what you feel in your heart and your soul is coming from God? I've done altruistic work most of my life, even before I got sick. And it was a choice I made because I believe that some gifts are meant to be shared freely. Not everything in this world is about money.

When I look back on my life, I can see things that helped to prepare me for what I've been going through. Different situations that had alot of impact after I got sick. They gave me the strength of will that I have now. And odd things that really came into play much later in life. They weren't coincidences, they were fate and destiny. I think we are given a certain amount of free will, but I also think some things are meant to be. And when people in my life who don't understand about this disease keep pushing me, it just comes back to faith and destiny and the will of God.

I think I wrote this post because an old family friend attacked me this week. The usual junk about getting a job, which I can't do. And she wouldn't stop saying, "There must be SOMETHING you've overlooked. There must be SOMETHING you can do to earn money." Well, anytime in my life that I've tried to earn money, it was always like fate or God stepped in and did something so it never happened. Therefore, I believe it just hasn't been meant to be. Not everyone is meant to work. And the things I have done were a lifetime's worth of work. I just didn't do it for money. And I was very fortunate to have found something I could do in spite of this disease that took my mind off my symptoms and pain and gave happiness to alot of people for years. Who is anyone to say that I am not doing exactly what God wants me to do, and that I'm not exactly where God wants me to be? Let them prove I'm not.

I think what surprised me was the rage my relatives had that I had found a way to cope with the disease and not be miserable all the time. They were actually really angry about it. Like they wanted me to be miserable, doing nothing, and just suffering every day. Like if you can't work a traditional job, you're supposed to just suffer. Who are they to judge? I believe with all my heart and soul that I've been doing exactly what God wants me to do, and I'm exactly where God wants me. So, they can all prove I'm not. Let them try it.

My faith is still strong. I believe the disease makes you see the world alot differently and alot more clearly. A few people mentioned the word martyr to me in regards to this disease. But that's not what this is. It's a test of faith.


Your relatives sound like really sad people. Who's to say that work only counts if you get paid for it? Where would humanity be if mothers did not look after their kids, Martin Luther King demanded a salary before writing the "I have a Dream.." speech, carers walked away from their patients, Ghandi insisted on a CEO post (with benefits) before making his great humanitarian stand...

"People of worth are nourished" - the I Ching
"I tell you, we are on this world to mess around, and don't let anyone tell you different" - Kurt Vonnegut
"There are more things on Heaven and Earth Horatio, than are dreamed of in your philosophy" - Will Shakespeare
"It will be as it is" - jace ;) x
My relatives worship money, power and looks. That's it. They think they can buy their way into heaven. When they give to a charity it is only for the tax write off and to brag how much money they donated. Usually, it's not a charity, it's a political thing they will donate to and then brag how they gave the most money for it. They have no compassion or feelings for anyone. Several of them are sociopaths and the others, I'd say are just extremely selfish and selfcentered and self absorbed. They only hear what they want to hear. They believe they are always right in every situation and the rest of us are just stupid. They think that having a PhD in their chosen professions makes them better than the rest of us and that they know everything there is to know about everything. And the rest of us are just stupid for not having gotten a PhD and married into money. If you don't look like a model and you can't keep up and you don't have money, you are a disgrace and embarrassment to the family. They want to hide you away and forget you exist. Their love of money and power turned me off to it completely, and that is a very big reason I've done altruistic work most of my life.

They refuse to believe CFIDS/ME exists. No amount of showing them info ever did any good. In fact, I was ordered to never send any more info about the disease to any member of the family ever again. They insist it's a mental illness and that's that. Not even bloodwork showing immune system abnormalities had any effect on them. I was told to shut up and go to work like everyone else or go back to school and if I couldn't do that, they said I belonged with a psychiatrist and should be in a mental facility. Well, considering the kind of people they are, they are the ones who don't live in reality and should really be locked away so they can't hurt anyone anymore.

I have nothing to do with them now. I stopped accepting their phone calls and they have stopped emailing me. They are pure evil. The only person I still have dealings with is the old family friend, who is unfortunately, exactly like them. But I'm limiting that contact and will eventually stop it altogether. She is always pushing me to get a job or join something. And no amount of trying to explain that I'm too ill does any good at all. Every conversation is a fight. So, I'm getting tired of dealing with her.
I would have never become a jewelry designer if I was well. This illness made that talent come to fruition and I know that. I would have been in PR or advertising working long hours and probably exhausted but not from an illness. I believe fate stepped in for me. For me creativity has come alive and why? Because if you can't use your physical body to "do" what can you do? USE YOUR MIND. I still have a mind to some degree. I can sit in bed and upload pics on my website in my pajamas. It's great!!
I'm one of those happy Sims 2 people! It's nice to be able to say a personal thanks for the hours of enjoyment you helped with.

Well, if it wasn't for CFS I'd probably never have played Sims and then never been able to say thanks for all you've done. That's pretty cool.
Thanks, Krizani. I always knew that alot of people who used my work were disabled or sick, and that's a big reason that I always fought to keep the files free.
You have another talent that might not have blossomed in the soil of a "normal" life- writing. Seriously, from the title to the last short paragraph, your words were therapy for my mind, and aerobics for my soul. Keep posting, friend. And remember what C.S. Lewis said about faith:
"“Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted in spite of your (or your relative's) changing moods."
Thanks, Kelvin :) Actually, I have a degree in creative writing that I got while sick. I actually am more proud of that degree than my college degree because I got it while ill. I used to write short horror stories, even had one published in a mag a long time ago. Things in life and circumstances really got me out of doing it. And seeing how corrupt the publishing industry has become. I kind of lost my desire to do much with it.
I agree with Kelvin. I found this (and your first long response) a very thought-provoking post, as I have also thought about the many ways my life has changed due to this illness, and how some of my previous life really feels like preparation for being ill in this way.

I think sometimes it's hard to know what's fate and what's the vibration we're sending out, attracting a matching vibration. I don't subscribe to the "make our own reality" thing, because I think it's just another version of the Iron Man ethic that your family subscribes to. Besides, it's megalomaniac: there are a lot of beings here creating realities, and we're all intermeshed. Yet we do create our own part of our reality; that's the only thing we have control over, so it's worth paying attention to. Part of what we experience, at least, is a result of what we let in, what we're willing to receive.

I do think that the whole notion of suffering as a virtue is a peculiarly Protestant one, and especially in the US it has become a big part of our secular culture (our country was founded by some pretty radical protestants, and they started the law system, too). We can make suffering into a virtue, but it's not the only way to be virtuous (means "strong" if you look at the original derivation).

Here's a question: if you had the opportunity to use some of your many talents for money, would you? Why or why not? It's a different question than deciding it all must make money or all must not make money, I think. I understand your need to not do the empty status thing - I came from an environment that supported that, too, and felt how empty and mean and lonely it can be. But I'm currently wrestling with the notion that taking my place in the world doesn't equate to striving for status, and that NOT having money doesn't make me virtuous by default.
I think it depends on the skill. I used to do tarot card readings, but I never took money for it, even when people offered. To me, that was a gift that was meant to be shared without money. My game files, I knew most of my fans were disabled and poor and couldn't afford the money it would take to have the files. That was a choice. Fanfic I've written, did those free, you really can't charge for fanfic, you don't own the rights. All the years I spent reporting for tv and movie entertainment, should have gotten paid, but most of us do it free on the net. You can put all that affiliate stuff up, but anyone i know that does it, they don't really make anything.

If the writing industry wasn't so corrupt, I'd be willing to sell my work for money. Same goes for alot of things. That's the problem, some of these industries are so badly corrupt that it's almost impossible to make real money at them.

If I were healthy, I would definitely be working at a job for money. So, it's kind of like, unless I can find something that I can do with this disease, everything is going to continue to be altruistic and not necessarily my choice. I just haven't found the right thing yet.

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