I posted this originally on wordpress last week, but thought I would post it on here as well.
On the verge of tears I feel isolated, with all my insecurities flooding back, overwhelming my every thought, I don’t know how to go on. I was meant to play cards with my friend, but he messaged an hour after we were meant to meet to say he forgot the time, but it was enough to bring to life the deepest darkest thoughts. Is he mad at me? Is this the end of our friendship? Why do I have no friends? I hate my life! The spiralling becomes destructive, I know that this is just a moment and by tomorrow I will be ok, but it is so easy to let this overpower me, to give into the temptation of believing these insecurities that have lived with me since I was a kid. So I just wallow the evening away feeling shattered and miserable I eat junk food and mindlessly play games on my phone.
The next morning normality is restored, with a lecture at 10, I happen to come across a really interesting feature in the guardian about active listening, and think I can do that, maybe making friends isn’t so hard. So I have a little spring in my step, which feels good for a change. In the afternoon I meet a friend in the library, which I enjoy, even though we only speak for a few minutes, it is just nice to sit and study next to someone you like, her presence gives me a little bit of energy.
This evening’s decision is a choice of poker or yoga. I have got a little bit of energy so I decide to go to poker, which is still a bit daunting given it is at a different university’s poker society and I am new to playing in person. My brain is functioning at about 60%, most of the decisions I make are based on instinct, and I fail to calculate any maths required during hands. I get knocked out of the £5 tournament through a not very good play, and then in the cash I double up but lose my stack on a flip. Poker always brutally exposes my brain fog, I am a good player at it, but I just can’t focus or concentrate most of the time. I really miss my ability to instantly analyse the situation. Unlike yesterday I take this in my stride, these things happen and later this week I am meeting friends, which I am looking forward to.
On the verge of tears I feel isolated, with all my insecurities flooding back, overwhelming my every thought, I don’t know how to go on. I was meant to play cards with my friend, but he messaged an hour after we were meant to meet to say he forgot the time, but it was enough to bring to life the deepest darkest thoughts. Is he mad at me? Is this the end of our friendship? Why do I have no friends? I hate my life! The spiralling becomes destructive, I know that this is just a moment and by tomorrow I will be ok, but it is so easy to let this overpower me, to give into the temptation of believing these insecurities that have lived with me since I was a kid. So I just wallow the evening away feeling shattered and miserable I eat junk food and mindlessly play games on my phone.
The next morning normality is restored, with a lecture at 10, I happen to come across a really interesting feature in the guardian about active listening, and think I can do that, maybe making friends isn’t so hard. So I have a little spring in my step, which feels good for a change. In the afternoon I meet a friend in the library, which I enjoy, even though we only speak for a few minutes, it is just nice to sit and study next to someone you like, her presence gives me a little bit of energy.
This evening’s decision is a choice of poker or yoga. I have got a little bit of energy so I decide to go to poker, which is still a bit daunting given it is at a different university’s poker society and I am new to playing in person. My brain is functioning at about 60%, most of the decisions I make are based on instinct, and I fail to calculate any maths required during hands. I get knocked out of the £5 tournament through a not very good play, and then in the cash I double up but lose my stack on a flip. Poker always brutally exposes my brain fog, I am a good player at it, but I just can’t focus or concentrate most of the time. I really miss my ability to instantly analyse the situation. Unlike yesterday I take this in my stride, these things happen and later this week I am meeting friends, which I am looking forward to.
