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The Battle for Christmas Rages On / Gimme Drugs / SSI

12/25/2023 - 0017 hours


I'm in the midst of what sounds like a war zone (out there). Round after round of gunfire, explosions on all sides, and flashing pyrotechnics are at hand. I'm not exactly sure why this is happening on what was once known as Christmas Eve —- but perhaps I missed the memo, and maybe now we're celebrating the representational birthday of Jesus with high-impact explosions and projectile launching, instead of the formerly more typical Jolly Fat Man in a Red Suit squeezing down a chimney kind of action.

What's interesting is that I can readily detect the after-explosion smoke that's wafting about, even though I am 100% inside the garage. I'm hoping I don't take any bullets either. Shrapnel is bad for the body. And likely, bad for the soul.

At least people didn't start shooting their semi-automatic weapons into the air until just now. I suppose they ran out of their m80s, and m100s, and whatever else they had queued up in their apocalyptic arsenal.

So now I wonder … What's going to happen on New Year's Eve? I suppose End Days are here.

Just Shoot Me, Already

As part of my update, I'd like you to know I haven't been outside since the guy with the gun threatened me. My pain level has been intolerable, so that's my excuse for the moment. Plus, I'd like to figure out a way to arm myself. And better than all that, if I do get a gun, I can go outside and randomly shoot bullets towards the sky without fear and without consequence (on any given holiday, real or pretend).

In Arizona, we don't believe in gravity. So any and all bullets aimed towards Jesus's high heavens never actually land. Or if they do land, they somehow rain down across the way, over in Mexico. Not our concern. Apparently. Perhaps they can hand out Kevlar umbrellas to the needy.

Weed

I'm also thinking of trying marijuana again. The last three times I tried it —---


Ohhh… hold on a second. Someone is shooting a rifle right outside the front door here. And it's taking forever for the person to complete the sequence. Damn that's loud!

So three shots fired, with exceedingly long pauses in between. Maybe the poor dude is nearly out of bullets and he's milking it. Dumbass. He should have planned ahead. Walmart sells super cheap bullets, especially this time of year. At least, that's what the billboard says.

Nope, signage actually says, more specifically, “Cheap ammo!”

You see, in the authentic billboard image (located adjacent to the Pizza Hut down the street), “dad” is strapped to the teeth, bulging muscles, tattoos in all the right places, looking like a modern-day Rambo. Meanwhile, “mom” is tending to the couple's small children as they light a series of celebratory candles with an industrial strength blowtorch. “Safety first,” as the mother insists each of the children don welding goggles.

In any case, if I'm going to be carrying around loaded weapons, I need to get the slang down. I'll need to be more convincing.

Oh, and just in case I do get murdered some day soon. It's okay. As long as they murder me quickly and painlessly. I'm really quite alright with dying. This suffering business is getting ridiculous (although I suspect there are others of you dealing with pain, finding ways to make each day memorable / worthwhile). Or maybe I'm being a big fat baby.

Gosh, I hope the marijuana works (the last three times I had very bad muscle burn, somnolence, and other terrible side effects afterwards).

There have got to be other options, right?

Acupuncture. Or acupressure? Acapulco? Or simply, alcohol.

Will alcohol help with anything? Probably not. Probably not a good idea with uncooperative intestines.

Either way, I can afford to self-medicate now, because…

I AM FINALLY OFFICIALLY GETTING SSI MONEY, STARTING THIS WEEK!!!

Can you believe it?

So now that I'll have money (for the first time since 2012), I can find creative ways to numb myself. Heck, I may also try cigarettes again. Because they have nicotine. And I'm sure nicotine does the body good, or else people wouldn't be smoking cigarettes all the time, now would they? Although in my neck of the woods, vaping seems to be the way to go. People vape this and vape that all day long. So maybe I should get into The Vapors!

In any case, the relative onslaught of money brings up … Pregnant Questions

How much SSI will I be receiving?

About $900 a month.

Nooooo, thank The Lord for proofreading. It's not “Pregnant Questions” - it's Pertinent Questions! The gunfire suddenly escalated, thus my phone failed to recognize my voice syntax over the racket.

Additionally, I'm trying to keep things quiet down here with my voice… which seems to be all together silly, considering what's going on outdoors. You see, the person who used to be my wife is heading off and out (and about) at 5 o’clock in the morning. She has to go downtown, pick up her mother, then go across town to meet up with the grandkids, so they can open up their thousands of dollars worth of Christmas presents.

And then after she's completed the little children related festivities, she's heading over to her daughter's home for the remainder of the day. And the thing that's kind of neat, is that the daughter invited me to come over to her house.

Due to my physical complications right now, I cannot attend. But that was very nice of her to think of me. Most times, people don't think of me. Which is kind of my M.O. When I fly, I fly below the radar, yet, just above the sonar. It's a tight squeeze between the navigable flying realms, but I take pride in my virtual invisibility.

Nursing Home Visit (details belated)

I enjoyed having people smile and welcome me back into the fold - temporarily, back in the fold. But more importantly than all else, I saw (and visited with) several of the people I had hoped to see.

Initially, the director of nursing invited me into her office for a chat. Then, two of the physical therapists greeted me warmly. A nurse. The secondary maintenance guy. Then eventually, two particular residents went back and forth with me. And then of course, I spent 15 minutes chatting with my former roommate.

Apparently he's being gravely mistreated / ignored without me advocating for him. Last week he didn't get his evening meds, so after calling out for two hours (seeking help), he somehow dropped himself safely out of bed, then crawled out to the hallway, in A desperate attempt to get his Klonopin.

Note: so you know, he was successful!

I also saw one of my favorite CNAs. We have a crazy good report. And I am drawn to her in every way, shape, and form. And based upon her behaviors (etc.) she feels the same way about me.

Note: she's young and married, and I'm old, broken and partially involved already - so this is (was) more of a fun / playful and less-lethal kind of adventure, back when I was there.

Fortunately, we were both smart about things, and avoided each other (and temptation) as best we could. But every now and again, we ended up at the same place at the same time, unintentionally working ourselves into a state of conversational bliss - so much so, that it felt like being on drugs. The good kind. Cocaine. Top of the line.

Is cocaine still a good drug to abuse? Gosh, I haven't messed with that stuff since high school.

Either way, it's nice knowing there are people on the planet with whom an intense connection can be made (every now and again).

Boom Boom

Wow, the explosions continue on and on into the night. Perhaps there's a military coup underway. I know (former defeated Governor hopeful) Kari Lake wants to overthrow the government, as do some of the local congress folk. I suppose it's an Arizona thing. And maybe it's a Texas thing, too! New Mexico? No, they seem somewhat inclined towards practicality. And Utah is content. Meanwhile, Nevada is gaming the system.

Besides the nursing home people, I eventually traveled a short way down the bike path and found who was looking for: my main homeless buddy (and his girlfriend). I'll get into that later though. The details. But they're currently struggling against the cold — and also, they've lost their sole source of income, because the police are cracking down on panhandling. In the meanwhile, I'm trying to get my friend set up with an Arizona ID, so at least he can work some day labor jobs every so often.

3 Hours Later….

I managed to squeeze in some sleep. Three hours of unconsciousness between psuedo-bombings within my neighborhood construct. And interesting as always, I woke up with a flat belly. No pain anywhere. And then within minutes of ingesting a small amount of white rice, boom! Here comes the burn. The bloat. The Ballroom Blitz … “The man in the back said everyone attack and it turned into a Ballroom Blitz” —- that's some lyrical gold right there!

In my case, it's more so a matter of an intestinal blitz. Minus the dancing shoes. No punch bowl either. Just repeated gut punches. Wince, cringe, double over and repeat after me.

Indeed, the abdominal expansion is underway.

Eh. I didn't want to eat the rice anyway. It tastes like blueberries. So clearly, I'm eating white rice out of yesterday's unwashed blueberry container. It tastes icky and awful, so I'm going to bypass. Next up? The hard boiled egg.

Alright, I need to post this. I need to give you guys some reading material on Christmas Day Eve. Is that what this is called right now?


Take care,
Howard





Picture I took back in August of 2011 - motivational message added, from Louise Hay? Maybe... maybe Tolle

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Comments

Hi Howard.....I think you need a bunker. And no, you don't need vaping, drugs or alcohol....please, they're all just one more pitfall.

It sounds like mayhem where you are. Can't you call the police? Poor men and women in blue....or whatever they're wearing. All should be behind shields and have helmets.

We have the occasional gunshot or more likely fireworks in our area, but nothing on Xmas Eve. New Year's Eve may be a different story. Apart from the just plain folks who got semi-automatics for Xmas, you also have different groups who routinely use fireworks and yes, guns, at midnight. We have not just our own traditions, but traditions from a few other countries thrown in. (The come in from other neighborhoods...maybe that's going on in yours Howard.)

July 4th is a nightmare here in TX. Bear in mind that it's summer, we're often in a drought and a roof can catch fire in seconds. Especially when they were all wood shingle. The police are good about patrolling, so that possibly helps.

Young males seem to have a severe testosterone overload. Biology, I guess....really, they could probably do without bullets & put it to use.

No wonder your stomach was under fire this a.m., don't you think it felt under fire from that circus the night before?

Yes, folks, Howard's right....These killing machines are actually still made here in the good old U.S.A. And Walmart must make a ten fold profit at this time of year. Why people probably get bullets as Xmas gifts.

I'm from a part of the country that also hunts (PA). No one, but no one ever behaved this way. Why? Society was different (& truth be known, guns and rifles were probably buried somewhere). Now deer come up and eat out of your hand. They're insane, too. Yours, Lenora
 
Sorry you’re dealing with intolerable pain issues.

Regarding the “weed,” I’ve been using it daily for the past two years and it can be a tremendous aid at times. When I had tried it four to five years ago during a more severe period of illness, it just made me feel more awful, just like you describe.

The strain I use, a hybrid of mostly Indica, seems to hit all the right notes. It says it’s good for stress, pain, and depression. All I know is that it’s great, and also potent, so I don’t need a lot.

Here it is, in case you’re interested:

https://www.allbud.com/marijuana-strains/indica-dominant-hybrid/sunset-sherbet
 
Yay, at the SSI coming through finally. :)

As my Mom used to say, "One down...one to go..." or in your case 3 more to go:
-pain meds,
-more Kate's Farm formula,
-hospital bed.
 
@Howard- Im a couple thousand miles further south of you.

It's explosive here, often and frequently. They call them rockets we call them firecrackers or fireworks or something along those lines.

But around here they are deployed at the oddest times, often by Priests.

Less gravity danger than real bullets, but who knows.

Meanwhile, marijuana can be a favorable reducer of PEM/shielding, and generally can knock down pain, inflammation, more pain, and your 500 calories will taste way way better going down. But some folks experience other types of effects that aren't helpful, so obviously it depends. Like it can lower BP quite a bit.

I apply some topical substances to odd neuropathies. Like swelling up veins. And some other person, tells me it MAKEs their veins swell up. And in me it makes that stop.

I had to throw out a $75 jar of THC/CBD that was the best topical I'd run into.

That made me very MAD. I hate wasting stuff. But customs, and a possibly prison sentence for drug smuggling of topicals, forced me to toss it.

Customs took our peanut butter. (in the carry on)
 
All I know is that it’s great, and also potent, so I don’t need a lot.

the part they miss, whenever they rant about drug abusing.

If the pot is better and stronger, you need far less. Indica strains also have lots of nice entourage effects, from the terpenes (think, all that smelly stuff)

I ended up obtaining an oil with alot of b-caryophylene in it. That has been helping me out. Threads around here about that helping some folks recover.
 
Brief update (minus responses to be above comments):

Purchased lidocaine stick with THC and CBD. Not sure if it'll help or not, but it was only $14, and it's not supposed to make me high or anything, because it's topical. For pain. And then also picked up a THC lollipop for $5. Again, not sure if that was a good idea or not. But for $5, what the heck...

They also pitched in a marijuana joint for free. To entice me to come back again and again to the neighborhood marijuana store.

I'll get some responses out coinciding with my next effort.

Now, if I can somehow get my formula and supplies delivered! Those damn flipping people never answer their phone, nor do they call me back. I even tried their stupid app today and no one ever got back to me.

H
 
Hey! I don't know if this would be helpful to you or not, but I recently learned about Lidocaine patches (after an unplanned/unwanted surgery) and they are such a help to me. They can be worn up to 12 hrs a day. I use mine at night so the (nerve) pain doesn't disturb my sleep.

There are tons of name brand and generic ones available online. The brand I can vouch for is Wellmate, and if a patch won't work for you, I believe they sell a tub of cream or ointment with the same 4% Lidocaine.

These Lido patches were suggested to me in hospital by a nurse, and they make such a a difference. I'm sorry I didn't think to mention them to you before. Your purchase of a Lidocaine stick prompted my response! I hope it works for you!
 
I recently learned about Lidocaine patches (after an unplanned/unwanted surgery)
That's funny (not your surgery, of course, hope you are improving / feeling better), purchase lidocaine patches a week ago and they don't really seem to help. Maybe they do a little bit. But yes, I keep using them.

That's why I wanted to upgrade with the marijuana related products.

Really, it's a delicate balance. I start off in the morning with the Liquid Hope (the stuff that gave me diarrhea for 36 days straight), then in the afternoon I switch over to the Kate Farms feeding formula. And that's when the pain intensifies five fold.

My eating experiment continues. I ingested an entire box of cashew cream cookies. 1,000 calories. Yesterday.

So my goal is to eat as much food as I can (orally), then try to limit both formula brands... and then perhaps the pain won't be as bad. I just have to stop oral eating each and every time and nausea kicks in.

Sorry, overboard with information (not necessarily directed towards you, of course), but it's 3:51 in the morning I'm trying to plot out my next moves.

I got to take the bus down to the Department of Economic Security, to secure food stamps. And then also, I need to figure out how to get these feeding formula distributors to help me --- which means spending minutes to hours on the phone.

Their headquarters are down in Chandler, Arizona. I guess I could picket in front of their offices. Right around in semicircles while maintaining an evil medicine grin!
 
Would the SSI income be enough for you to rent your own place Howard?

Nope. I'll need to convince somebody to take me on. Although, my former wife suggested she would purchase a new place where I could have a room on the first floor. But that discussion took place a month ago, and I have not heard anything since. So maybe she's no longer on board. I mean, I have / had been rather ill, and nobody wants to deal with that.

In any case, I've got two months to come up with solution. Perhaps three, if I'm cutting it close.
 
It sounds like mayhem where you are. Can't you call the police? Poor men and women in blue

I can't call the police, because I'm kind of secretly hidden away inside a garage. I can't afford to draw attention to myself.

Well, if it was an emergency I would. But there were so many explosions and so many gunshots, the police wouldn't be able to do anything anyway.

Oh, I went outside for a ride last night and no one tried to murder me. Hurry for me!

At least now, I'm expecting the worst. My head's is on a swivel. If someone tries to attack me I can dial up the cops in no time flat. Although, response time may vary. LOL
 
Meanwhile, marijuana can be a favorable reducer of PEM/shielding, and generally can knock down pain, inflammation, more pain, and your 500 calories will taste way way better going down.

That's my hope. My other hope is that I can continue increasing my caloric intake orally. Yesterday I knocked out 1200 calories by mouth. A lot of that was sugar (30 grams) though, so, not ideal for the intestinal wellness.


Do you think your issues are associated with the j-tube itself, etc, or is this your actual intestines as well? the bloat?

The actual bloating is occurring as a reaction to particular ingredients or food elements in the feeding formula. It comes on very rapidly, almost instantaneously, after waking up with a flat belly from having had nothing but water through my feeding tube overnight.

The secondary problem, the thing that's causing all the pain, is that the air / gas gets trapped in and around the feeding tube area. Basically, the area just prior to the splenic flexure. A place where the third part of the duodenum, the transverse colon, and the superior mesenteric artery intersect. But also, that was a problem area initially, even before I had the feeding tube. And then also, and beyond that, I believe that's where the direct route of the vagus nerve passes directly...

So yeah, that's where it hurts so badly. But even more than that, anywhere around the feeding tube is painful to the touch.

If I even blow on that area, the pain is sometimes triggered.

However, if I'm not bloated. If I'm not in the process of getting bloated. And / or if I haven't been bloated in a few hours, the pain is nominal. Tolerable. More of an irritation.

What's frustrating is that I have all this pinned down, located, cross reference, whatever, and I still can't get a fucking human soul to help me on this issue.

Perhaps my appointment next month at the pain management clinic will resolve something.

Hahaha!

Haha.....

In any case, I'm glad you made it somewhere. Anywhere. Away from here. Or there. Hope you're enjoying your visit to the greatest extent possible (assuming you're visiting with the daughter and grandchild).
 
I know you’ve heard this from me before but it seems high priority to get you off of your feeds. They are both high in pea protein which personally causes much bloating and discomfort in me. Amongst other things. Many plants are actually difficult to digest in compromised digestive states as me/cfs complications can present.

Hasn’t your nutritionist developed a plan for you to help you slowly introduce food back in? Like here, take 10 bites of blended sweet potato or rice and chicken with Zuchinni? Or whatever carbs, proteins,fats and vegetables you are doing well on. Then week after move to two times a day etc. don’t forget you show signs for years of mast cell activation in your intestines, so be easy with relish packets etc. I would wait till your digestion is stronger to make moves like that. Or buy baby food packets for first few weeks introduction.

Can you hire someone to help you make a homeade feed until you are strong enough to hopefully make it to oral eating solely one day again? You sure seem to be moving in that direction and it seems like your ability to make enzymes and acid etc has improved. Although you’ve still a ways to go. Here’s a video on how to make your own feed. Key is they need to be frozen right after making.

It might change your routine and energy to have to source and obtain your own feed but eventually hopefully you will be living inside a house with greater access to freezers etc. you would eventually adapt to the energy you used to use to tend to your wounds and pain and can now allocate that to obtaining and making feed. That is the desire anyhow! How it turns out is yet to be seen 😊until then you could hire someone and obtain high quality freezer bags or plug in mini freezer for your garage. I would not make your blenderized meals in garage with such stagnant air and little airflow (microbes etc).

I’m no dr, but if you were my patient, it seems like nothing would be more urgent than to get you to a feed you tolerate. Which beyond infant formula or begging a formula company to make a special one for you, doesn’t exist. So plan B is make your own.

Also, has anyone discussed eventually and possibly allowing that feeding hole to close up and heal one day? It’s been through so much. Your pain levels are extraordinary.

So, In short, if you have a dietician as you said, I would STAT make a plan for making your own feed. It’s rather simple really.

Also, keep in mind your vagus nerve and other parts of you are probably depleted immensely in this as Dr. Berg discusses. It’s not even routinely tested and it’s just as widespread as vitamin D deficiency but not yet talked about. It very well could be PART of your issue. Go slow and I would play with transdermal first with something like this. Still gets in your system with less side effect potentials. And make sure to take magnesium and zinc and bcomplex if you try this route as taking B1 alone is a no no.

 
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Hope you're enjoying your visit to the greatest extent possible (assuming you're visiting with the daughter and grandchild).
I'm not Home Alone any longer. It's pretty busy around here. I'm still trying to figure out how to do This Version. A bit like how you're figuring out your New Location. Or wondering about getting one's head examined. Or both.

The actual bloating is occurring as a reaction to particular ingredients or food elements in the feeding formula. It comes on very rapidly, almost instantaneously, after waking up with a flat belly from having had nothing but water through my feeding tube overnight.

I've managed to recently reduce a considerable amount of bloat. (SIBO related I suspect). The latest fix I ran into by accident, I wish I'd had this ten years ago. It might be helping a whole list of ME irritations. I would almost type that SIBO Is gone.

definitely not placebo, as I had written this off as another purchasing blunder, and I"m not allowed to answer the phone any longer (some guy called me from Florida) (my husband got lots of health food items shipped in from Florida)...

its just some thing from Pomegranates. Who knew? Then I noticed some long covid types discovered it.
 
I'm glad you made it somewhere. Anywhere. Away from here.
thanks.

Husband is sprung. But still aphasic. We chat. He tells me elaborate things, which I have no idea what the topic is. I'll sit and blather on, about the birds outside our window, or the Remember When This or That happened, which he seems to enjoy, or is he just pretending, the way I'm just pretending.

I'm in an incredibly exotic place, without much capacity for experiencing the exotic. On Jan 11, it will be one year since my husband's stroke.

BTW: had that not occurred, we'd still be parked in our apartment, I'm fully confident. It took this disaster, to get my Rear End In Gear.

Manifesting can be challenging, eh?
 
the pea proteins are hard to tolerate, I cannot tolerate them.

I think @sunshine44 it would be so good if @Howard could get some real help with this.


I know you’ve heard this from me before but it seems high priority to get you off of your feeds. They are both high in pea protein which personally causes much bloating and discomfort in me. Amongst other things. Many plants are actually difficult to digest in compromised digestive states as me/cfs complications can present.

Hasn’t your nutritionist developed a plan for you to help you slowly introduce food back in? Like here, take 10 bites of blended sweet potato or rice and chicken with Zuchinni? Or whatever carbs, proteins,fats and vegetables you are doing well on. Then week after move to two times a day etc. don’t forget you show signs for years of mast cell activation in your intestines, so be easy with relish packets etc. I would wait till your digestion is stronger to make moves like that. Or buy baby food packets for first few weeks introduction.
 
@Howard: did you make it through New Years Eve Phoenix, in one piece?

Around here, most people visit with their families and it's not a street party.

However, for about an hour around midnight, this place felt like THE ALAMO.

Rockets going off all over the city, often at the cathedrals. they call them rockets. mostly loud Kaboomers. I don't see fireworks per se.
 
Considerable forensic evidence was visible across the street....spent rockets, little ash debris piles, etc.

Good thing I never tried to look out the front door during The Alamo.

(probably affiliated with a small four stool place that serves beer with something like Chile sauce added to it. Sometimes it gets a little rowdy over there)
 
@Rufous McKinney......Surely that can't be. Almost one year since Michael's stroke? Time has no meaning for me any longer, nor for Michael, I'm sure. Or for a great many of us over a certain age.

Yes, Howard, I wonder how you fared on New Year's Eve? We heard one set of fireworks....and then all was quiet. Maybe they all took the night off and went to the areas where there were real fireworks. Or, what's the fun if you can't set houses on fire? Probably the latter.

You're right, Rufous, you probably would still be sitting in your apartment. You still have some settling in to do, but you've already made a good start and you've been out and about shopping and the like. Are you going to get your driver's license? 😊 Well, I think you've done a great job and even Michael seems to be happy enough....well, most of the time.

Howard, my wish for you is that SSI will come in for the start of 2024. Stay low, real low. Do the limbo. Lenora
 

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