This will be the first Thanksgiving in 15 years during which I won't have my special someone with me. My fiancee, domestic partner... the bright center of my little universe, just packed up left a little over two months ago, with very little explanation, and no contact since.
It's a long story that probably merits its own whiny post-thread, which I may yet do (", he threatened ominously."), but right now I'm just thinking about this day.
I know change and heartbreak can and will (in one way or another) be part of the human condition. Intellectually, I do get that.
But this whole series of events, and confusion and anxiety have been so overwhelming to me--even physically--that I just don't understand how people get through things like this.
My head is flooded with memories of holidays past... Thanksgiving, followed by her birthday, followed by Christmas & New Years. It was always a huge time of the year for us. And now, even though I am still with family (right now, just me & my parents), everything feels empty. Horrible. Maybe if I could make sense of her having left, or if she were still maintaining any kind of contact. But as it stands now, it's almost no different than as if she'd just died. I can't process it, I can't make sense of it. Despite some of our more "practical" hurdles, our personal relationship (as far as I knew!) was great, committed, loving... so for her to shut me out entirely flips my world upside-down.
Combine with that having to field the guilt of making those around me upset or worried at my own mental or emotional state. The fact that because I feel like my soul isn't here anymore, I can't enjoy the holiday, even with the family I have. I feel like a ghost. And it's clearly wearing on them.
Which in turn just grinds down what energy I do have, and I feel like my only recourse is to find a dark corner and collapse. Hopefully to disappear entirely. And the prospect of Christmas coming literally fills me with dread. She & I had so many personal traditions that I cannot--and will not--observe on my own, but I won't be able to avoid it all. The lights, the music, the images... it'll be everywhere.
I realize I sound like a cliche of a cliche. And I realize a lot of this issue, and the aftermath I'm trying to pick my way through, isn't entirely about my CFS. So maybe this isn't even the best place to talk about it. But in case there are some understanding or sympathetic ears (preferably connected to actual people) out there, maybe this wasn't a waste of time.
I won't be able to hold her hand under the table in anticipation of today's meal? Smile our private smile as we wait?
I can't fathom it.