Thankful on Columbus Day

I haven't been writing, and there are so few resources to work with these days. So forgive the crudeness.....



Yep, I'm one of them.

Canadian Thanksgiving is here. A shorter growing season yields an earlier harvest. :nerd:

Rather than travelling to my sister's for a meet and meat feast, I'll be alone. Maybe tomorrow I'll have enough energy to make real food. :thumbdown:

However, 'tis the season to be thankful. Thankful. Yes, not whiny suck. Thankful. Focus!

OK.

Worst case, “thankful it ain't me” works too, arguably if hubris-free and empathy follow?

Pfft. Arguable. Theoretical. Ideally. Oh for the good ol' days when I could pursue these.

But survival is the recent and current preoccupation. Getting anywhere close to the intended (if much reduced) target counts as a win – closer costs more than I can offer.

Then the news. All the news.

But thankful. Thankful. Right.

OK.

So, you may rightly ask: With so much suffering, in so many directions, for what am I thankful?

Spoiler/Edit TLDR...

(or Join our adventurer on his Space Tack, as he tries tacking his spaced out brain, due to narrowed blood pressure from sitting, to the point his heart wants to make... Defn-ish - tacking: zigzag sailing in a direction with unfavourable winds.
May need to vent the pressure cooker before getting to the roast.)


Well.

True confessions?
I lost it over credit card terms trying to buy a wheelchair. Oh, the back story on the whole wheelchair thing. But I want to ferret out why I'm thankful.​

So, this is first person.

When I'm suffering, my heart often wants a target, a seething, three-headed devil target. Can I direct my anger all at one thing, please.

Sometimes that 'devil' just isn't the case. (Single threat primitive brain response? - identify, locate, dispatch - but this is no tiger in the bushes.)

Sadly, that "one target" doesn't exist. I have never laser targeted that 'devil' - there's always the mess of context and responsibility - mine and there's and others'.

The slings and arrows come from so many directions.

And my low thresholds unexpectedly activating my threat response don't help.

And I have gone off. The volley returned with interest, you could say... albeit in frustrated desperation.:cry:

However, I am still responsible for my choices, to act or not. That weighs heavy, but thankfully my soul seems to get weary without full PEM.

Responsible? Clean-up – Aisle 3! I don't have the energy for this!!!

Note to self, energy better spent maintaining restraint.

Great. So, now...

Forgive myself and forget as soon as possible. How? Work that poor short term memory to benefit, of course. Forgiving is soooo much easier if you can forget.

To forget? Personally, I find it easier to forget if I don't so readily anticipate (or put myself in high risk of re-exposure, as forgetting gets harder with repetition). Again, fueling the fire applies.

Devastation can be wrought when the once strong dam can no longer hold the reservoir. Mindless, thoughtless words, actions - can appear evil. The primitive brain cries out “Why would something so seemingly benign have such consequences? Evil!”

But I covered that.

Meanwhile, the seeming fruitless struggle for mere survival has me thrusting up my hands from my grave – in my lack of coordination the blow lands to the face, undesired but for the vain attempt to clear the pathway FROM my grave.

My once mindful self, no longer has resources available to big-picture-anchor.

No, this is a flailing to survive thing. Clean up. Aisle 3, again. :zippit: :bang-head:

Welcome to the side opposite self-actualization on Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Higher self? Let's shoot for safety, then we'll see.

We'll see?!?

Hmmf. Grr. argh. ummm.

And why do I have to apologize for what, in another disease is dubbed heroic. Fighting tooth and nail to get through the day, minute or second. And not to endure a hopeful treatment. No, the fight is for: more of the same; to not get worse; to avoid other problems too!.

And I can't win, only fight
myself apparently.​

And with cognitive issues,
misguided is almost guaranteed some days. :thumbdown:​

Regardless, stopping, doing nothing, is rarely a viable option.

Such harsh realities.
That was not my point.​

Suck it up buttercup.
That wasn't it either.​

...TLDR;

Which brings me to that for which I'm thankful. Oh, yeah, I know it is awkward wording, but my brain's 'editor' function has been offline for a long time now.

Focus...I used to have such great focus....:rofl: yes. Right. Thankful.

I'm thankful that I've learned how to 'put out the fire' (as it were) as fast as I can. Qualifiers apply as to efficacy, etc. Yes, some coals continue to burn long after.

I'm thankful that I try not to pour gas on it. I really do try. I'm thankful I try, amid my inner rage of loss - so much loss - at times - until I process this new, most recent experience of grief.

I'm thankful that it is only 'at times'.

I'm thankful for my illogical resilience.

I'm thankful that I create as much 'positive bias' as I can – laughing when I can at the many physiological oddities:rofl: displayed by my body, and then tracking and/or addressing the symptom:nerd:. The laugh is worth the 'back time':sleep:.

I'm thankful for those that taught me. So many things. And about my body, and possible ways to treat/finesse/hack it.

I'm thankful for all those that try to help. Of course, most thankful for those that succeed!

I'm thankful for all those that fight for justice, awareness, equity – to be heard.

And yes, I am truly thankful for PR, and all those who give of their limited time and energy, sharing knowledge, experience, warnings, hope.

Wishing all a Happy Day!

Metta
Likes: Wonko

Comments

Dear @MastBCrazy, some of what you wrote, I get it. What a struggle it can be each day! I'm sad for your struggle but I'm glad you can come on PR and let it all out!!

I have to say, my struggle is surely different than yours yet the same....
Each day what should I do, what should I not do. Then......Why did I do that cause now I'm suffering for it. Confused?! Everyday.....

Nice to meet you Metta. I am also thankful to laugh at my cognitive brain struggles.
I am also thankful for PR.

Big Hugs to you......Hope you don't mind hugs..
I will be thinking of you. I think mostly because this post is so different and I don't understand some of the words you put together. I do however hear your grief and frustration.....

We're with you Metta....
 
Free form thought in writing, it's practically poetry.

I like it, well done, other things of that sentiment.

I get it, I've live it, maybe not exactly the same but enough.

Survive.

Happy Columbus Day.

Thank you :)
 
Thank you. It is hard to hold a sentence, so structure and flow and form and have become this primitive goo. I'm afraid to post anything.

When my very heart starts to turn... well, I have been so pent up, and needed to wrestle something to the page.

But, Metta is a meditation of extending an intention of loving-kindness out to the universe. I understand that it is a Buddhist practice, but learned it more directly from early vipassana instruction. The world needs more goodness, just because.
Thanks Wonko.
 

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