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Talk is cheap

I saw an episode of Sherlock the other day, the new ones with Benedict Cumberbach. The villain said that he wanted to talk to his daughter and co-workers but had set it up so that they received a drug and in an hour they would forget the entire situation. He could confess and feel the relief that accompanied it but keep his relationships unchanged by the weight of his words.

I know exactly what he meant. I want to tell my friends exactly how I feel but after the conversation it all seems a bit pointless at best and harmful to our friendship at worst.

My vent to the sky is this:
I'm sick of being ill.

I had strep throat before Christmas, a cold/flu bug 2 weeks later, on Tuesday I fell down the stairs and damaged some soft tissue in my ribs, pulled a tendon in my foot and bruised my arm. Last night I had nausea and diarrhoea. Today was my first day back to work and I had to leave after an hour due to stomach pains and nausea.

When you are in utter disbelief that you could have such bad luck/bad health, how are your friends/colleagues supposed to understand? I know that this is my issue. I want them to understand in a way they may never be able to. Which is not their fault.

For the first time in such a long time I feel genuine grief over the loss of my 'normal' life.

The unanswerable questions in my head: Am I ill with something new or is it still the cold/flu bug? If I can't go back to work tomorrow what will happen? Can/will my Dr back date a sick note if the worst happens? Can I keep going like this and still have a job? I work 4 days now, would reducing more help? Can we afford it? Should I look for a new job? Who would take me with my sick record? Work from home? As what? I want to be a freelance writer how do I get my foot in the door?

I wish I could discuss this with my friends without them thinking I'm complaining/going on about my health again/looking for sympathy/comparing my illness to theirs. I wish I could let rip and tell them everything I normally hide under a smile and 'I'm fine'. But then I wish they would forget the whole thing so they don't try to give me solutions/advice.

Today, I feel like talk is cheap but writing is quite cathartic.

Comments

I'm not sure what kind of advice would be right, because the kind of people your friends are and the kind of relationship you have with them makes a really big difference.

In my case, it was my friends that finally convinced me to slow down and take this thing seriously, but not until after I had pushed myself into the early stages of moderate and couldn't hide it from them anymore.

I often marvel at the support I've had and continue to have, since I've known other chronically ill people who end up so isolated because no one believes they are sick. I've spent a lot of time trying to observe what the difference is, and I think it boils down to a combination of me feeling very uncomfortable with accepting help (because I'm terrified i'll use it all up and end up abandoned), and several situations where I was trying to be a normal person and ended up crashing right in front of someone. Had to be spoon fed in one case, lol.

I used to also never talk about it if I could help it, because I used to date a woman who may or may not have been a hypochondriac, but who was never happier than when she was talking about how sick she was and she never seemed sick while talking about it. Just a broken record. I was afraid of turning into her and was really close-lipped until people began pushing me to explain.

They used to give me the usual inane advice, so I tried it just to shut them up. LOL. Totally worked, and I learned some interesting things in the process. One of which is that it can be rather unwise to try people's inane advice to shut them up.

Regarding jobs that's not something I can speak to, personally. I got one a few months ago but was laid off before training began because I had to explain the condition. I've read countless stories on this forum about people who just pushed themselve into severe. I think people thinking i'm just lazy is preferrable to being imprisoned in my bed for years.

I hope this added something valuable, perspective wise!
 
Thanks @Kinesis
I'm glad that your friends are supportive and that they encourage you to take is slow. I've given advice to someone on here before that if they are true friends they will support you, if not they don't matter. I should take my own advice!

I definitely understand not wanting to keep talking about it for fear of becoming the 'hypochondriac' of the group! I struggle with finding the line between sharing enough to be honest when asked about my health and not oversharing and seeming like I'm always complaining.

I'm sorry about your job, it's awful that employers treat people in such a way. It really seems to be an issue for so many people on this board, not only gaining employment but keeping it and balancing it with their health needs.

You have definitely added perspective! I'm a thinker rather than a talker so I get very caught up in my imaginary world of 'what ifs'. I often need a voice of reason to keep me on track!
 

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