Subject: Emotional Well Being

October 6th, 2021

Please AVOID if emotional types of things put you in a bad place


Heart Health

Late at night is the worst. That's when this hurts most. I want to communicate with her directly. Badly. I am impatient. I want to know. Will my wife want me back?

I keep thinking that the longer I am out of sight, out of mind, the more likely it is that she'll realize I am not at all missed. But how can she NOT miss me?

This feels like a never-ending slow motion break-up, the kind where one person isn't willing to let go, keeps trying to convince the other to stay.. promising they'll change, and other such nonsense. And I am that person, the one (figuratively) begging for a second chance. Yet, there's nothing for me to change, and little to improve upon. I can promise nothing beyond the efforts I willingly give, within my limited energy envelope.

So I wait. My heart hurts above and beyond any physical pain I am currently suffering. Yes, I do have "people" experiences now.. staff in and out of my room throughout the day. But they are unaware of my suffering in this way. And if they were.. how would it matter? Is this the kind of suffering others make known?

When the sun comes across, I am okay. Fending off excess light, heat, and the incessant wall of sound requires a dedicated effort. And sometimes, intense focus. But in darkness, the hurt creeps back in. There's no avoiding, just a slow torturous pushing through. An emotional meandering.

Suffering is a choice. It's all about craving that which I cannot have. To relieve this craving, this wanting, I need to let go. But I cannot let go of a love relationship that hangs in the balance. It's not yet over.

I could imagine that my wife is caught up on an interplanetary transport, out of communications range indefinitely. And that maybe, possibly, I'll be reunited with her in this lifetime. Or, I won't be.

Or perhaps it's that I am imprisoned, without visitation rights. And a clean bill of health, a miraculous recovery, is the key to my escaping back into her arms.

Or perhaps I shall simply go through a daily rotation of imaginative scenarios. Plausible ideas. Implausible outcomes.

Okay then, be well…
H



P.S. COMING SOON - funner stuff -- yesterday's road trip, w/pictures!

Comments

A better day & night, Howard.....It's very hard to say anything when you don't know both parties.

May I ask you what you say to yourself about the situation? Does she drop any hints at all....has she arranged to make visits?

I'm afraid it's one of those in-between times between a husband and wife. My guess is that she's staying awake at night also. Has she asked anything of you that you can deliver? What is your gut telling you, that perhaps your brain is shutting out?

I'm sure that all of us are in the same position....we don't know what to say because we simply don't know, Talk to the nurses & others there about what's going on. Sometimes our best answers come from others and you know that as well as I do. You're now living in an in-between world...and I'm sorry. This may take some time to resolve but let's hope not. Find peace. And please, don't worry about entertaining us. I think a lot of us live with this fear. Yours, Lenora.
 
In stressreports, a breakup is counted as the most stressful event a person might experience, second only to death of a close family member.

limbo even worse, I guess

You write as well about your grief as about everything else.
As leonora says: don’t you worry about entertaining
 
My heart goes out to you, Howard. No one can actually know how much you're suffering.

I went through this with my boyfriend, and I was waiting and wondering for weeks, and it was tormenting, as he was at my house packing up and making plans just before Christmas. He came right back, and we were together for many years until I left because of ME (all pre-Christian;))

I hope and pray this all works out, and I do believe your wife will miss you. How could she not? I'm optimistic for you.
 
I was originally going to post the following succession of responses yesterday, but the situation deteriorated further…. and I had to skip forward to bigger and better things :)

October 6th, 2021

Thank you for rescuing me with your responses! You saved me from posting the angriest rant on the planet, in regards to today's extremely volatile roommate situation. Tensions mount. Holy ffffffffff#!$@##$!!!!!!

I'll just hold it inside, let it ferment.. consider next steps. :)

well ok, not THAT emoji
the one where the guy rubs his chin, all sinister like
 
Does she drop any hints at all....has she arranged to make visits?
Has she asked anything of you that you can deliver? What is your gut telling yo
Those are pertinent questions -

We are currently on lockdown, so no visits either way. But if I asked, my wife would probably visit. Maybe. Likely. Eventually. I think. 70/30???

I am the one who typically initiates social interactions. But as suggested by others here, I have been doing my best (not fully succeeding) to give her space.. not bothering her. She's had six years worth of daily tasks and chores to complete on account of my being disabled.

Not asking questions (of me) is the normal dynamic in all of my real life relations (friends and family, too). So it's difficult to determine her current level of engagement…
 

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