Stir Crazy

Do you ever feel so held back from life that you get into a totally crazy mood where you just want to do something totally out there?

I was seriously considering dying my hair olive green! Not the whole thing, just some parts of it. But that's how stir crazy I get. I swear, I may yet do it.

I'm just so tired of not living. All the nots in my life. Can't go to parties, can't travel, can't go to a concert, can't go to the movies, can't go to a club. Everything is can't, except for an occasional dinner out. So BORING, so tame.

I can't even relate to normal people anymore. Even the women in the magazines I used to love, I'm just no longer a part of that world. Getting hair and nails done at an actual salon, having a job in a normal place, having a boyfriend, dating, going out to clubs and movies and fun places. Going to the gym. All the stuff I used to be able to do. Most of the time, I don't even realize how much life I'm missing until it is shoved at me.

I don't even have a smartphone. Why? Because there's no one left to call. I don't have a circle of friends anymore.

I just want to do normal things again. I want to go out and LIVE. This is not living. This is an invisible prison with see through walls.

And I feel so held back from life that I just want to go totally crazy and do outrageous things and wear outrageous stuff, and I wish I had the money to just get on a plane or take a cruise and just go somewhere fun. I just want to live.


Curandera Patricia Padilla says that because we're beings of unlimited potential and power, practicing gratitude is the most powerful way to pray. This opens a connection for the divine to enter. We should also consider creating an altar in our home, and making offerings, because it's a way of participating: we can avoid being spectators in our own lives. An altar is a powerful way of focusing our attention.
Carrigon, I feel as if we're twins. Everything you mentioned I've been thinking about also, except the boyfriend part. I understand what you're saying when you want to do CRAZY because you can't do anything. I wish I had words of wisdom, but I'm grappling with the same issues. Thanks for writing.
I miss having a clear head, used to be the life of the party with my quick comebacks and jovial personality. Try now to stay clear of parties , m.e. has robbed me of having fun. It makes me so jealous to watch healthy people having fun, and of course they're clueless about what it must feel like to be us; there, but for the grace of god......
I just cut my hair down to a crewcut for the same motivation. It gave me a temporary reprieve from wanting to just scream. I think you should go green! Maybe just one 1/4 inch strand on the side to start-- then after a day if you regret it you can fix it relatively easily. Or, my daughter visited me recently and had a bunch of hair on the side in the color purple. She laughed and said it was a clip on extension!
I got my green nail polish today. It's Verde from Nubar. I just love it. It's kind of the color of ground up gold and money, or that old jacket Madonna used to wear in Desperately Seeking Susan, but with a bit more green tone. Just that little thing gave me a small lift today. People just take for granted that they can do their nails or their hair, but when you are sick for many years and can't do it, you really appreciate it when you do get to do it once in a long while.
Took my first step in using a scooter in front of my family of origin. They all think I'm nuts. My support group were great. They made my husband call my sister and tell her to insist I rent the scooter for a tour of a local famous garden called Longwood. It was fantastic. No one chided me and I was able to enjoy the 400 acres of Gardens and Fountains and a Huge Conservatory of exotic plants. Now that Virus X has finally been identified as a potential culprit and the US Center for Disease Control has ordered the condition to be moved from a Psych disorder to a Central Nervous System Disease, I can't wait to shove the scientific White paper right up my brother-in-law's nose. Dyeing my hair takes so much energy, I think I'll stick to golden brown. Wouldn't want to have to change it back. Don't have the money to have it done at a salon.

But I might try the green finger nail polish. It might get some attention from new friends. So far I've been lucky most of my friends understand. But it's a bummer when your own family doesn't. My husband is great because he sees me everyday and knows my condition sometimes better than I do. Spiritually speaking I'm Christian and the Lord never lets me down when I'm down. You do what you have to but don't give up. Support groups are great if you give them a chance. Sorry for the ramble.
Definitely try the nail polish if you have the energy for it. It always chips on me. I just had to touch it up again, but it looks nice and it just feels so much better to have that one little normal thing.
Ooooh! A kindred soul. I wish I could say I had the cure for the Stir Crazies, but at least you got it off your chest to people who get what you mean. The last time I made the mistake of venting similar feelings to someone I considered a friend, she said "Well, then get off your butt and go out! It's not like you're working! You've got all the time in the world and not a thing to do. Think of all the people with no time to call their own....." Blah, Blah, Blah. It went downhill from there, but ended with an admonition to stop feeling sorry for myself. Aside from throwing in another "I hear ya", IMO, go for the green hair or nails or whatever makes you feel connected. That's the key. This disease is so isolating it's easy to feel cut off from our own past and from the life going on around us. Cut your hair, dye it, wear something fun or crazy, or invite over someone fun or crazy. GO FOR IT!
"IMO, go for the green hair or nails or whatever makes you feel connected."

Yes! And I can relate. I can leave the house sometimes now -- but NOT being able to leave the house, ever, crawling around sometimes, not fun. I missed doing THINGS. I still miss even sitting through a movie. I'm improving (yay!) but it still lingers. Now I get invited to things I can't do/ places I can't go yet!

I used to take a nap outside - just so I could see trees, and have a changing scenery. Nowadays, I play Farmville & look at stars. Every night I can, I walk outside, and look up. It keeps me happy, even though it's only for a minute or two.

Nail polish sounds awesome :D

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