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Shyness and CFS are a recipe for isolation

There is a buzz of chatter, laughter and joy seem all around, but I just feel so isolated, unable to express myself, I just sit there while dark thoughts circle, I hate being shy and I hate being tired all the time. I leave with this empty feeling of despair in my stomach, just wanting to cry, but unable to. I hate this so much right now, my life feels empty, university is becoming a real struggle, and I am really doubting my ability to make it through the next term.

I pushed myself to go to a society meet-up, but no one wanted to come with me, so I went alone, and it didn’t go very well. I tried but I didn’t feel part of the event, being in those situations have a tendency to bring about my darkest thoughts because it brutally exposes how much I struggle to socialize, especially when I am not on top of things.

This follows on from a previous night when I went to a quiz with a few friends, one person I sort of know and someone I didn’t know, and I ended up barely saying a word. It just feels so debilitating, it is one thing to feel tired, but something else when it completely prevents you from functioning in a social situation, which is fast becoming the norm at the moment.

My immediate thought process is to completely isolate myself, not talk to anyone and avoid my friends, not that I have got many. I would just be better off disappearing, but I know this won’t help and I understand this response is based on my childhood relationship with my brother. Right now I just need to wallow, and tomorrow things might be better. God I feel rubbish!

I was shy throughout my childhood, and only really got a glimpse of my social ability a couple of years ago, when I found some confidence and energy, before stress and tension headaches through me off course. So I am use to being shy and isolated, I did have one really good friend, but that ended badly a few years ago, bringing about a relapse with my CFS, one in which I have never truly recovered from. I still miss her, and miss the positive impact she had on my health, the grief and sadness is still there.

Comments

You're coping with an awful lot, @carvahlo. University life is so busy as well as being hard work and the loss of your special friend is still affecting you. All of that is bound to take a toll with an ME sufferer. The feeling of wanting to shut everything out and isolate yourself, I know you're shy but I have to do that myself just because I feel so ill. I suspect you are the same and need the quiet to help you recover.

I hope writing your blog has been cathartic and helps you think about what's the best thing for you. All the best to you.
 
You're coping with an awful lot, @carvahlo. University life is so busy as well as being hard work and the loss of your special friend is still affecting you. All of that is bound to take a toll with an ME sufferer. The feeling of wanting to shut everything out and isolate yourself, I know you're shy but I have to do that myself just because I feel so ill. I suspect you are the same and need the quiet to help you recover.

I hope writing your blog has been cathartic and helps you think about what's the best thing for you. All the best to you.
Thank you for your kind thoughts.

I think that this term is becoming quite frustrating, because I know with the right set of conditions I can have plenty of energy, but I just seem to be very tired this term. So from a positive standpoint, there is always hope!

I have found this blog to be helpful so far, it can at times help put things into perspective rather than letting thoughts rattle around my head.
 
Thanks for replying, @carvahlo and I'm glad your blog has helped you. The reason your story resonated with me is that my son has been through the same doubts and fears. He, like me, has ME. He went to a local university and lived at home which helped in some ways. He joined in a few social events and enjoyed the academic work but, as time went on, his energy was giving out. His last year was spent just concentrating on getting through and he graduated with a good degree. I should add that his last year was also difficult because I was diagnosed and very ill for the first few months so he was also helping me.

He has always been glad that he was able to finish the course. Good luck and take care.
 

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