Why I like birth? Everything to do with birth? Because it feels like a do-over. Every birth I've been to has been special, each one different, & I've felt lucky & honored to be there. Like witnessing a re-do of my own life. At a birth, right before the baby is born, time stands still, & you can feel & smell & see the time stop. It is a magical occurrence. After it stops, it starts up again, speeding up & catching up.
I have been obsessed with time for a while now. Having to lie in bed makes it feel like it goes so slooooooooowly, or when finally I can sleep it passes in a wink.
I think yesterday was about a 6. Sometimes it feels like it's been a while since I felt the brain fog coming on, sometimes all I think about is how soon it will set in. My new female problems have been an obvious let-down (no pun intended, nursing mamas!). Pregnancy (one of them, for certain) was near blissful for me. I felt weirdly, unusually energetic & glow-ey, like things were working right inside. My births were beautiful, fast, empowering. I had huge, healthy babies (8.5 & over 10-pounders). I thought there could be one part of me that was untouched by disease. Time moved so differently then, even at my own births. I am mourning the loss of that special alternate clock, where I caught a glimpse into a life free from the weight of fatigue & the nagging pull of sick tiredness. So I am trying to pretend this is a birth. Just a long, slow one, with normal contractions, ups & downs, pain that comes but also goes away, that will build to an end of one state of being and bring forth the new life of another, that will slow down & let me enjoy a new miracle, having faith all along that it will.
I have been obsessed with time for a while now. Having to lie in bed makes it feel like it goes so slooooooooowly, or when finally I can sleep it passes in a wink.
I think yesterday was about a 6. Sometimes it feels like it's been a while since I felt the brain fog coming on, sometimes all I think about is how soon it will set in. My new female problems have been an obvious let-down (no pun intended, nursing mamas!). Pregnancy (one of them, for certain) was near blissful for me. I felt weirdly, unusually energetic & glow-ey, like things were working right inside. My births were beautiful, fast, empowering. I had huge, healthy babies (8.5 & over 10-pounders). I thought there could be one part of me that was untouched by disease. Time moved so differently then, even at my own births. I am mourning the loss of that special alternate clock, where I caught a glimpse into a life free from the weight of fatigue & the nagging pull of sick tiredness. So I am trying to pretend this is a birth. Just a long, slow one, with normal contractions, ups & downs, pain that comes but also goes away, that will build to an end of one state of being and bring forth the new life of another, that will slow down & let me enjoy a new miracle, having faith all along that it will.
