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RANDOM THOUGHTS … WHEN THE MERRY-GO-ROUND IS BEGINNING TO SLOW DOWN …

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Nothing’s certain in life, save death and taxes —Benjamin Franklin
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One of the great givens of life is that we’re all going to die. Well, according to B. Franklin, that and taxes. Fortunately, or maybe not, we’re also, almost all of us, blessed with a sense of immortality, which pushes that eventuality deep into the distant, misty, unforeseeable future.


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We also all know that everyone else we know is going to kick it eventually, and we accept that with the same semi-delusional sense of impossibility and distant reality that we bring to bear on our own passing.

I can’t think of anything more painful and emotionally battering, draining, and peace-destroying (and I include all the aspects of this crappy little gut-twisting, endlessly tightening thumb-screw of an illness) than losing someone you’re deeply bonded to and love, particularly a parent, a spouse, or a sibling.

Or worse, a child.

And not to overlook the agony of having to put a beloved pet to sleep, which is horrible and painful, and made all the more painful and difficult by their inability to communicate in words what they’re feeling, or what they want.



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No one who hasn’t gone thru it yet can begin to imagine what its effect on them and their entire world, their view of their own spirituality, is going to be. It’s one of life’s greatest rites of passage, and probably the one that’s most destabilizing and wrenchingly painful.



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I knew that I wouldn’t be able to take mama’s death rationally and calmly, no matter how strong our bond or my spiritual focus was. I knew how much I’d miss her, how huge the gapping hole in my life would be without her, and how intrinsic to my life and world-view she was. I knew that I would go to pieces. I knew that for a time, I’d fall apart completely, and be totally good for absolutely nothing.

I underestimated that by google-plex.



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Since then, in communicating with family members, close friends, and some of the members here about their experiences with this life-shaking, life changing experience, I’ve been consoled to find that I wasn’t the only one who was left hobbling along for years after, or filled with soft, simmering guilt and self-recrimination about having somehow failed at one of the most important undertakings in anyone’s life, or still having almost daily one-sided ‘chats’ with the departed, or occasionally thinking, “Oh, she’d love this, gotta call her ….” and actually reaching for the phone before realizing that no one would answer. Or at least, no one that I wanted to talk to.

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I wish I’d found this Reddit thread before The Event, but it occurred to me that it could be helpful for those of us here who’re either still dreading it, or who’ve already gone thru this dark tunnel, and are still recovering their balance and finding their way thru an entirely new landscape.

I’d love to hear about your own feelings, experiences, observations, or reactions, both to the life-changing effects of The Event itself, and to the input from the Reddit thread.

Here it be.....

When your loved one is close to the end, be aware that in most cases it isn’t the peaceful way it’s depicted in movies. Be prepared to go to therapy if you plan to be there at the end.
https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/y1smhu/lpt_when_your_loved_one_is_close_to_the_end_be/

Lemme know what you think, yes?


PS .... Because of a raft of commiserating posts to a poster who lost a child to a particularly rare and brutal cancer (more than heartbreaking, but perhaps not one of our immediate problems, at least not if we're lucky), you might want to fast-scroll down to entries starting 14 hours ago, as of 230 PM, 10-12-22)

EDIT ... For yet another typo after checking multiple times, and it was in the FIRST sentence ..... some days, I do despair ....

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Reactions: Cloudyskies, Jyoti, Rebeccare and 2 others

Comments

Jyoti
This is such an important topic and one we are so ingrained to shrink from, to deny, to avoid till there is no alternative. Thanks for raising it, giving us all an opportunity to mull and engage.

I've had a number of big losses in my life and they have all been different --both in terms of the circumstances and my response to them.

But somehow...it has always felt incredibly important to honor the passage. This is a huge thing we all get to do....just as we all get to traverse that birth canal (another not-so-easy job) and when someone I love is navigating it, everything else falls to the wayside. This is our ultimate act and I want to pay both attention and respect. I hope there will be someone to do the same for me when the moment arrives.

The first big death for me came when I was just shy of 30 and it rocked my world. Nothing I had previously believed made sense anymore, nothing I had valued held much water without him. I re-evaluated everything and my life changed dramatically as a result. There was no other option. I could not go on being who I was before he died. Before he became ill.

I suppose I needed to find some meaning in an process that felt so painful and anathema. Like @YippeeKi YOW !! and so many others, I spent years picking up the phone, lost, so full of raw grief that I could barely function. But in the end, I grew so much. My heart opened so much. I will never understand why he had to suffer so much and so young, but I know that despite the pain there were blessings for me that came out of his untimely death.

Losing my parents was altogether different. They had lived and were ready to let go. I knew that, and I while the actual dying process was not altogether easy or dignified I knew those were just little hiccups on their way to their next place/thing/phase....? I think it was helpful for them that I could sit with the ugliness without letting it freak me out.

There was a lot of laughter and joy during my mom's last days, endless Tibetan chanting (she was a Buddhist) and mostly just a sense that we were sitting with her while she negotiated the twists and turns involved in leaving a body. We were sad/happy when she got out. That was a nice one! I miss her, but it all felt right.

You can't prepare....not really. Not to the point that it does not devastate you. After all--our grief and our love are twined. But we can be present. Really present. It is hard, it takes a lot of courage and also kindness to ourselves --because no one really knows how to do this.
 
YippeeKi YOW !!
@Jyoti
What a lovely, deep, thoughtful comment .... it summarizes so much about this last of all earthly experiences, and how unprepared I think we'll always be for it.

You description of your other's passing was almost a textbok example of how to do this 'right' or at least as well as possible under impossible circumstances.

Thank you so much for posting it :thumbsup::thumbsup: :hug::hug: !!!!!
 
YippeeKi YOW !!
perchance dreamer said:
everything you love will be taken away. The trick is living with this knowledge, but still enjoying the present and valuing what you have, while you have it.
Click to expand...
I totally agree. It's one of the reasons I'm such a huge believer in gratitude ....

I wish I were better at that, but the mounting losses have left me edgy and uneasy about what blows the future will rain down on my reluctant head ....

Like, "Will this be the last Christmas that I'll remember with DB?" With two of my old friends, both battling illnesses that, while not immediately dangerous, don't necessarily portend well ???

It's not a topic any of us are really happy thinking about, and I've always been bad at it ....

I think I'll hunt down some dark chocolate.....

PS ... It's good to see you @perchance dreamer, it's been a minute. Or maybe I've just been missing your posts :hug::hug: ....
 

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YippeeKi YOW !!
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