Pain in Mind / Rage and Comforting / Athletic Prowess / Learning Church

Because I've been experiencing physical (pain-related) issues, my recent free time has been more dedicated towards coping with the discomfort, rather than taking part in creative pursuits. There's nothing terrible happening here, but there's a fair amount of "ugly" embedded within my writing attempts. I'll get through this… ummm, I'm not seeking out solutions to the problems (here), but I wanted to offer reasons (or an excuse :)), as it relates to my recent lack of participation on this site.

Either way, lots of positive things are going on as well, so let's first dive right into the shallow end of an empty pool, shall we?


Days of Pain, Nights Bathed in Blue Light (April 13th)

*It's possible I have a low pain threshold, and/or my nerve issues (dysfunction) make me more bodily sensitive, soooo….

I am angry. Perhaps you are angry as well. Yes. Anger is a thing. And with me, pain is an anger thing. So in the past several days, I've experienced a whole lot of both.

Yesterday started off kind of swell. For the first time since my new roommate moved in I awoke with the kind of energy I'd become formerly accustomed to. It's the kind of energized feeling that makes me think I'll walk again someday.

What led to this?

I wore my semi-new blue blocking shades in the evening, blocked the all-night television with the black umbrella (also draped a shirt across the top for additional opaqueness) and each of the usual artifacts were applied or ingested - Plus, I focused on mindful full-bodied relaxation before officially turning in.

And despite the intermittent all-day pain (stoma pain and continuing tooth extraction site discomfort from 6 weeks back) I found satisfaction from having my former strength and mental agility returned to me.

Throwing Shade

Then things unraveled. A phone call. Bad news. The Doctor People weren't gonna take my insurance. No visits with the neuro-gastroenterologist or neuromuscular specialist… because… that's how the universe works!

Clearly, we live in glorious times filled with Inglorious Bastards. And I think that was the title of a movie… something starring Telly Savalas, Gregory Peck, and Engelbert Humperdinck!

So, back to ground zero. The scene of the crime. Detonation Boulevard (a kick ass song by The Sisters of Mercy, by the way).

Well. I lost it. Erupted. In the courtyard. Yelled at the top of my lungs. Violently and repeatedly punched the side of my chair. Then ranted and raved for a short spell before quietly staring into the abyss as a means to….. ?

My Emotional State?

Distraught

Mary rushed out to the courtyard to see me. To see what I'd done.

Nothing broken. Nothing bleeding.

Then Angela came outside, in an attempt to further comfort me. She offered supportive words. She rubbed my head and massaged my neck for a while. I cried a wee bit. Ranted quietly. Then she braided my hair!

I almost, sort of, kinda, just about… felt loved, from simply having been comforted. Not exactly, but I suspect that's what I was almost feeling. And I think it's what real people in real life experience from time to time, especially when others physically touch them. Comfort and validation. Compassion. Caring.

Finally, I calmed down while clutching and squeezing the rubber stress ball she'd just handed me.

"I feel like throwing something," I hinted, while demonstrating my former throwing motion, the one I utilized back when I played baseball.

So she and I played catch! And I was able to throw the ball an easy 30 feet, fairly accurately - overhand, sidearm, and even a few (crappy) curve balls. As an added bonus, I also caught each of her return throws… although I did so in an unnaturally awkward slow-motion manner. It seemed as though my reactions were lagging, but I made the catches despite that perception.

Then two hours later, Blanche and I played catch twice as long, a full ten minutes. I threw more easily this time. Yes, I was figuring it out again.. the proper coordination required .. executing a halfway passable pitching motion despite being stuck in a slightly reclined chair on wheels. Fun stuff!

order:
GU
M
TART C
HERRY
Pure map
le c
andy chea
P?

Church Goer #141,326

Yes. I did a church-like thing in the cafeteria Friday evening. My friend Jillian invited me to go, so despite having reservations (literally), I accepted her invitation! Also, my Friday nights are rather admittedly… wide open, here at the compound.

As a direct result of my attending, I learned a plethora of church related things. For instance, Jehovah is another name for God. Well… I already sorta knew that. But what I didn't know, nor understand, is that only 144,000 believers get to live in Heaven after they die!

At first, I thought I misunderstood what The Preacher Man was saying, but he kept finding different ways to explain the same thing.. disseminating additional related bible facts and bible figures for a solid 20 minutes (regarding this matter of numbers crunching formerly unknown to me).

So there's that.

And, I didn't know also that the moon had made only 25,286 round trips around our planet since our planet originally came into being.

Note: I may have been slightly preoccupied by The Numbers and related calculations throughout the service.

Everything else? Well, I was intimately familiar with most of the concepts and content… Adam and Eve kinds of stuff. Bad Apples. Apostles eating bread (containing no yeast or salt, whatsoever). Also, the usual suspects doing the usual things for the usual reasons.

Oh, I Recently Bought Things

In the past week I've purchased several things for myself, and I am doing my best not to feel guilty. Basically, I was given a large sum of money from a variety of people, and I was told to buy things that pleased me. Perhaps even… things that would help me return to my music making.

Note: this large sum of money is probably not very large compared to what other people would normally and nominally consider to be a large amount -

I was hesitant at first…

And in my next entry, I will offer explicit details regarding my purchases.

Ugh. That sounds SO wrong!

Saturday 917am

The pain thing remains painful. At times. And during those times, I feel the need to punch things, or break things. I want to smash everything in sight.

Yes. I breathe deeply. Exhale slowly. Consider the consequences of my violent intentions. Practice presence. Focus directly on the pain. Recognize the pain as being impermanent.

Eventually it goes away.. if I don't move. Or breathe. Eventually everything goes away when we stop moving and breathing. Ha! Yes. I think I am onto something here.

It's not really that bad. I just enjoy complaining to a captive audience.

Eureka! I've made a DISCOVERY -

"Stress Relief Toys, Desktop Punching Bag. Comes with Desk Clamp and Suction Cup" -

I really really think I may get this. I can attach it to the armrest of my cart with the clamp, so that I may use it when I go outside in the courtyard. Hmmm… Brilliant invention, right?

Easter Sunday Event

She instructed us to sing along, so within the large holiday gathering I did my best and sang along .. utilizing incorrect words, while paraphrasing lyrics unknown.

Most of the material sung by angelic voiced Mary was from decades prior to my ever existing. No Led Zeppelin. No Metallica. No Alice in Chains. No Oranssi Pazuzu. And No Jute Gyte either.

But I socialized plenty, held court, and incessantly spun a plastic easter egg counterclockwise upon the tabke surface.

It's Next Thursday (2 days ago)

Get this… I awoke pain free, and I remained that way all morning long! A huge difference maker, not having to contend with that kind of unpleasantness.

Other than that, I've got a number of eventful events on the agenda.. stuff that'll blow your mind. Stuff that'll be addressed in the next meandering missive.

And I hope this read okay. I do not seem to have a sense for proper word assemblage at this juncture, nor of late.

Next Time:
Dietitian Talk(s) and Timeouts
A Different Formula for Success
Singing (a New Job)
Instrumental Well Being
An Overmedicated Other
UNEXPECTED visitor
Imogene likes Basketball Gospel and Country Western
Appointments Rescheduled!!?
Procedures and Removal


Take care,
Howard



Twilight Fade
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Howard's Television Blocking Sleep Setup
20220412_222714~2.jpg

Comments

Then things unraveled. A phone call. Bad news. The Doctor People weren't gonna take my insurance. No visits with the neuro-gastroenterologist or neuromuscular specialist… because…
:oh-dear::aghhh::cry:

I wore my semi-new blue blocking shades in the evening, blocked the all-night television with the black umbrella (also draped a shirt across the top for additional opaqueness)
Very smart.

Get this… I awoke pain free, and I remained that way all morning long! A huge difference maker, not having to contend with that kind of unpleasantness.
:)
 
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mmmm, maple syrup candy. high in trace minerals! and suuuuper YUM :)

I am soooo incredibly happy you were able to purchase some things for yourself. Gratitude to all the beautiful hearts that helped make this happen! YOU deserve THIS. You are a deserving and worthy human despite what cognitive distortions this illness has placed upon us. I hope you can eliminate some of that guilt you feel at times. Although, i know its easier said than done.

I am looking forward to hearing what musical apparatus you treated yourself to after so many years of being without. It feels like a new chapter.

I know you are in limbo land with no income for the past and forseeable future as you navigate the labyrinth of attempting to get disability. If anyone reading is interested in supporting you getting mostly necessary items for yourself from time to time, the address can be provided upon request :)

Also, promising about the blue blocking glasses and setup. Although ideally, roomie would just be considerate and turn it off and find alternative....but i know how mum is probably the word with you.

Thanks for sharing your 'weeks' with us howard. Praying the stoma issues get resolved sooner than later. We appreciate you :)
 
Hello @Howard......yes, ongoing pain can be considerably bad for our overall emotional state (and I imagine that of anyone else suffering from it). I've found Ace ice bags placed along my spinal area will help deaden the most difficult of pain. OK, teeth are a different matter, but one draped around your neck may help even that area.

In all the years I've suffered pain, ice has been my strongest ally. No more than 15-20 min. on, although the Ace bags aren't as dangerous. Heat just doesn't work for me....sounds better for sure, but the reality is something else. Somehow deadening the cord area works....and thank goodness I found help.

I do know something about insurance refusing requests....and it's disheartening, to say the least. Call the office involved again and ask them to resubmit the request....this may have to be done a number of times, with the doctor's particular request. Or, it's possible that the request has to come from the hospital you want answers from...either way, you need to know. Of course I have no idea how things are handled in AZ, but probably not that much difference.

If the doctors where you are now think you have muscular dystrophy (?) have you inquired about the long term outlook as I know there are different types. As far as the GI problems are concerned, that's the one I'd really lean on getting an appointment with another specialist. That's your immediate concern.

Smart thinking with the blackout you've rigged up. How is the new roommate? More compatible, I hope.

I'm glad you've made some friends there, helpful ones from the sound of it. I'm sure their day was also filled with gratitude that they were able to cheer
you up.

Good to hear from you. Yours, Lenora.
 
The last couple of days I've been thinking.....................I need to send a Ground Control to Major Tom message to Howard. Today I find your latest blog...................and I'm happy you checked in :)

I have no words for the whole insurance debacle.....................well actually I do have some very choice words:huh: Also have some choice words for the pain you experience.

Easter Sunday Event. "I did my best and sang along utilizing incorrect words, while paraphrasing lyrics unknown." :sing::lol:.. ........................Ha Ha......I'm sure you did! I can picture yu doing that and would have loved to hear what you came up with! I do that sometimes even with songs I'm familiar with:p

Dude.............you've got some serious hair growth going on.........tops of feet:eek:. Hee hee

As always, I love to read whatever it is that you have written and again I'm so happy you checked in. Looking forward to next check in.:heart:
 
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Glad to see your latest post :squee::squee: :):) :D:D ....

I've wandered in and out, hoping to see how you were doing, and a few days ago, just as I was about to launch the ever-unwelcome R U OK, saw that you'd responded on your previous blog post.

But a whole new entry is much better .....
 
Although ideally, roomie would just be considerate and turn it off and find alternative
Under ideal circumstances, roomie might be perfectly willing, but under the current ones, the TV may be the only real company and connection to the outside world and a sense of being part of it that roomie has, soooooo .....

Knowing Howard's powers of gentle persuasion, I'm betting that as time rolls along, he may be able to persuade roomie to at least lower the volume ....
 
Under ideal circumstances, roomie might be perfectly willing, but under the current ones, the TV may be the only real company and connection to the outside world and a sense of being part of it that roomie has, soooooo .....

Knowing Howard's powers of gentle persuasion, I'm betting that as time rolls along, he may be able to persuade roomie to at least lower the volume ....
When I was in the psych ward and placed with a roommate who watched TV presumably at all hours of the day and night, I immediately complained to the head psychiatrist that I would literally “die from the TV noise” if I were exposed to it for any length of time. Then I proceeded to tell my new roommate, in a most panicked state, that I would literally “die from the TV noise” if I were exposed to it for any length of time. The roommate looked at me like I was crazy, which I was at the time, and promptly decided to lower the volume, at which point I commended him for being such a standup guy.
 
.I need to send a Ground Control to Major Tom message to Howard.

that's called: need David Bowie right now. Happens to me, episodically. But its guaranteed. (and somebody intends to make a new version of The Man Who Fell?)

so nobody offered to look into your current suffrage, as you were breaking things and hollering out loud? Bless everyone who attended and aided and abetted.

Maybe you could design badges. Lived Through Howard Outburst 9. Special pins, for staff.

I witnesss the pain anger daily here. My husband. All over, and most of the time. Plus the philosophy- do not talk about it.



I immediately complained to the head psychiatrist that I would literally “die from the TV noise”
this part I'll never understand.........this wasn't not happening in the Home my mother was in.
 

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