Not used to admitting defeat

I want to start this out by saying I was never the type of person to ask for help..I'm still not..I don't concede to help unless I'm on the verge of passing out or dire straights, and I know that's bloody stupid of me, but such is just my personality..But..Even i have to concede that six years into this illness, I'm finding myself really, really, unable to cope.
I was used to having friends who messaged me a lot, I was used to going out with a boyfriend, or traveling with family..And now, six years later, Barely anyone contacts me, my family feels distant, but still loving..they just don't seem to have enough energy or time for me. My best friend, while supportive, makes more trouble for me than she helps(we live together), and I have no voice to anyone around me. I am finding myself without words. I speak, but somehow the words seemed gloss over all who they're directed to. I feel as if I've become a non-entity to all but my dogs. Trapped in the same four walls, only broken by grocery trips, or errand trips(always accompanied, because I can't drive), I feel like a child. A toddler that tugs at their sleeves desperate for someone to listen, but only met by 'yes yes dear, come along so we can hurry this up'.
This is a new feeling..I've never been outwardly ignored or brushed along before. i was a vocal, outgoing person, and now it feels as if I might as well keep my lips shut. I'm not used to the loneliness..I have always been independent and favouring quiet, but the quiet has turned crushing, and while I have no independency left, I have never felt more alone.
It's a peculiar thing..And not something I'm used to processing, so more often than not it just becomes a panic attack, which is not at all healthy. I have to wonder how anyone copes with this. The crushing silence. The becoming less than a person..becoming background noise.
I'm not used to complaining or anything so I will probably delete this, but I'm going to try, for once, to speak.

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Hi xxRinxx
Oh boy, what to say to that. I do understand, although that doesn't help. I have the same personality type. My identity is at least partly derived from being the person other people come to for help. I feel like the silent scream painting sometimes.
However, I do have one suggestion. Our situation tends to render us powerless. Perhaps since you are an engaged and interesting/interested person you might spend time learning about the politics surrounding ME. Engaging politically might help with a sense of purpose directly related to being ill.

You have been heard. And you matter. Rest up but don't give up.
Wishing you better days ahead.
SD
 
Background noise says it all. This is so hard. I am sorry.

Please do not delete the post! We hear you!

It gets better. I promise it does. You can speed up that process, thankfully. Define and work through grief and other emotions, gain some acceptance of your new life, alternative universe as it is, and redefine you. You will be stronger and happy. It doesn't change how much this all stinks, but it gives you a new and strong base to live life.
 
Of this experience, of late, my mind keeps tossing up the phrase, "baptism by fire"... Just keep fighting though. You're not alone. :)
 
You captured this very well. Don't delete it, so many people here can relate.

So, you've been ill for six years... I've been ill for three years and just saw a specialist last month. I'm optimistic about getting my life back now. Do you have the ability/means to see a specialist?
 
Thank you all for the kind words, I really appreciate it! Admittedly it made me a nervous ball of jitters even posting anything akin to this..So thank you indeed!
Anything Jeff's question, I live in the middle of the USA so i've seen just about everyone there is to see around here..But i've read up on just about everything and i feel i've tried most things too..I have a dreadful dislike of doctors now anyway and have had much more success with homeopathic remedies instead so i think i'll just stick to that.
 
i have just came across this blog and it struck such a deep chord as like yourself i am very poor at reaching out for help. i have always enjoyed well written pieces stories and such.and perhaps this is a talent you can complete 100%..i hope you are still writing even if it is only for your own pleasure.thank you for your honesty in this emotive blog.
 

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