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Never my love

My boy graduated high school last week.
It’s an incredibly strange feeling.
My heart strings…. Are pulling.

I see his sweet face in my arms. It’s 10pm at night on a warm September evening in 2004. And all is so well. I’ve never felt that kind of love up until that point. That kind of connection. This hour was one of the most content and peaceful moments of my entire life. Meeting and bonding with my little boy…. And now, somehow, nearly two decades has passed.. and here we are.

I never once set foot in his high school. Or wheel. Memories have been flooding me of my last year with kids before going severe. I see movie reels over and over of details. Moments.

I see a mom and son date at his middle school. We are watching goonies and eating popcorn. I’m not well. Something isn’t right. I’m like a wheel slowly getting ready to stop turning. But, I don’t know it yet. We are so happy though. We had such a fun night together.

I push multiple vacations with my family to build memories because I feel something wicked comes this way. I awaken in our lodge one morning at 5am on the bathroom floor. Something isn’t right. But, why does everyone look away. Why is it invisible? Yet, incredibly visible.

I have to make peace with the fact that I was given what I was with my kids. I’m allowed to grieve hard too occasionally. Which, I did last week. We certainly weren’t given a standard deck of cards. But, many stories exist in the world of many ways humans have adapted through great difficulty.

It’s unsettling sending your child out into the world, as it is, right now. Yet, I know he was made for these times. I know the next beginning is upon us.

I hope my children know, how deeply I love them, despite what they’ve been told by non believers of me/cfs around me. ❤️❤️

*I was able to watch his graduation on livestream on my phone 🦋

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L
Dear Sunshine,

It's always hard to see our children set forth into the world, our world...or so we think. Children grow, and babies even more so. When we see them walk is really the first big break in our relationship, and yet we still hold on. Of course they need us, we're their parents and they look to us for guidance and even discipline. We love them and they love us, although at times there's generally a breakdown in that...at least from the children (when they're teens).

Now your son will go bravely into the world knowing you're there for him if he ever needs it. Someone we think of ourselves at that age, and can't believe how much time has passed. He'll form another family and you'll be part of it, just as your daughter will be an aunt.

We don't lose them (or if we do it's just for a time) and then they definitely want to reconnect when they have children of their own.

Then, before you know it, your first grandchild will be 22 and a fresh college graduate. It seems to me that aging definitely occurs between our children being 24 or so and then their own children are grown up and the cycle is ready to start again. The cycle may be ready, but we aren't, no matter our age.

Well, cry your tears, feel proud of him, happy for him and do the hardest of things....let him go. He'll be back, you can count on it. After all, he loves you too. Yours, Lenora xo
 
sunshine44
lenora said:
Dear Sunshine,

It's always hard to see our children set forth into the world, our world...or so we think. Children grow, and babies even more so. When we see them walk is really the first big break in our relationship, and yet we still hold on. Of course they need us, we're their parents and they look to us for guidance and even discipline. We love them and they love us, although at times there's generally a breakdown in that...at least from the children (when they're teens).

Now your son will go bravely into the world knowing you're there for him if he ever needs it. Someone we think of ourselves at that age, and can't believe how much time has passed. He'll form another family and you'll be part of it, just as your daughter will be an aunt.

We don't lose them (or if we do it's just for a time) and then they definitely want to reconnect when they have children of their own.

Then, before you know it, your first grandchild will be 22 and a fresh college graduate. It seems to me that aging definitely occurs between our children being 24 or so and then their own children are grown up and the cycle is ready to start again. The cycle may be ready, but we aren't, no matter our age.

Well, cry your tears, feel proud of him, happy for him and do the hardest of things....let him go. He'll be back, you can count on it. After all, he loves you too. Yours, Lenora xo
Click to expand...


Thank you Lenora
I appreciate your motherly vibes
And seasoned advice.

Much love 💗💗💗
 
Rufous McKinney
Tears for you...for us, for all of us....

My grandaughter is here visiting, and is going to leave soon.

she is barely four and I think about you, @sunshine44 alot....how every day and every hour you're wanting to be with your two children and how hard that must be.

It seems like we get only a few moments of feeling Present with our beloveds.

Playing, with my grandaughter, is too much, this illness has taken playing.

A whole list of "things" my daughter wanted me to do, with my grandaughter, did not happen.

I was not there, at the park, at the slide, by the fountain.

So now I must focus on at least I was here, alive, seeing her briefly. I have no memory of ever seeing my own grandparent.

It bothers me so much, that I have a single memory of my mother's mother visiting when I was six or seven. And all I can remember is seeing her back, lying on a bed, and a doctor came with his black bag.

Thats it. Why can't I remember my own Grandmother's face? Or her holding me? Or telling me she loves me so much?

Will my own granddaughter even remember me?

She asked me to read the tiny Alice in Wonderland book. I had to get a magnifying glass, to see the print and I tried reading..I tried .to sound animated, to say the words: Curiouser and curiouser.

I got as far as Alice is too big to go thru that door............

Before my throat gave up.
 
L
Oh, I think they'll always remember us. Perhaps not in the way we think they should....but certain things are triggers for them: A smell, music, a certain candy, book, just being loved....really, isn't that the biggest thing of all?

I found with my grandchildren that writing is always a wonderful thing. I never forget anything and send them letters when they're taking trips, school or otherwise. So what if it takes 4 or 5 days....it's something we can do.

I've enjoyed them, even though my energy stores (and other things) are extremely low. I have never been present for any important event....but then I've always been that way to them. Just do what you can, when you can do it. Also, don't let them off the hook....expect to hear from them, call them on the carpet if they don't, thank-you notes are important to people....we can having teaching moments in the midst of life and love. Yours, Lenora
 

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