Midlife Crisis

Haven't been on in awhile. I felt well enough to sort of escape it for a bit. I check in, graze the boards to see if I have any words of wisdom, or not. I need to vent. I need to throw something. Where do I begin? I hate this illness, but isn't that redundant? Does anyone like it? I would hope not.

Well, I will begin with the most pressing of news to many on here. Those shots I have been getting...the amino acid peptide shots that I am not supposed to talk about; well, I can eat almost EVERYTHING. Yes. They have basically taken away my food allergies. I have no allergies. No up all night, itching and losing my mind moments. I have had pizza. PIZZA. I am allergic to cheese, wheat, and tomatoes. Well, not anymore! Before you email me and ask all of these questions, I need to ruin the parade. I have no info on them. I don't understand them, I don't know why they work, where to find out about them, etc. They are from Germany. They work. That's all I know. I was at my wits end. Well, I am not anymore. They have helped my allergies to everything and I feel much more stable. You won't be able to tell that by this blog though...I am exhausted, so that's why.

Onto other things. I am in full on work mode. I had 2 events this weekend back to back. It was really hard. I am super sad. Yesterday was great. Today was a total bust. Sometimes, I wonder what I am doing? Do I really want to be an artist? Maybe I should just go work at a store. Like Pottery Barn. "Hello, welcome to Pottery Barn. How may I assist you? Here is your change, have a great day." Then go home and leave work behind. This business is so much work. I have hired 3 assistants and I rotate them. Am I crazy to do this while being ill? Sort of, but I love designing. "F" the business though. I have had to fire my web folks who have now threatened to come after me with a lawyer. It's a mess. The contractor hired a subcontractor and he is the programmer. The programmer or subcontractor wants to sue me. The website was supposed to be done by May. Well, I am in my busy season with no website with shopping carts. I have a website, but it's better to have a site with carts. They want the money. I am really stressed out. I can't sleep. I need legal counsel and I don't trust my lawyer. Why should I pay for a site that is not done? They have no lawyer. They have a contract that says will be done in May. There is no kill fee. I have never had to hire a lawyer for anything other than a car accident where I was hit and hurt. I am upset. It's stressing me out so much, I am waking up in the morning with that feeling that a gun went off. I want a husband to rub my back or someone to have my back. I am not alone on this, I know.

Totally different. I came home tonight and googled myself. I can't believe how much info there is out there about me or anyone. Photos, address, phone number. Is this right? Is this normal? I googled my ex and sat and cried when I saw that he moved to a really posh condo downtown. I broke up with him, he was crazy, but he is living in such an expensive condo and I am trying to figure out how to cut corners. I don't want to be with him, but how does he move up in the world when he is a psycho? And here I am trying to get by. Ahhh...shit. Plus, he has a new telephone number. That upset me for some reason. I see him in his penthouse suite with some woman, and he is making it work with her and I think, "That could have been me, had you not been an obsessive, possessive, jealous stalker." And then I remember, he is still that guy. That scary guy who wanted to own me, buy me, bedazzle me. Didn't happen. I am feeling sorry for myself. SHIT. But seriously, isn't it weird that anyone can be found? I hate that. You can stalk people, as I clearly did tonight. I stalked myself and was freaked.

So, for the most part, I have been ok. But today, today I lost it. I am not ok. I am sad. I am exhausted trying to make my jewelry business run and float and succeed and I am sad that I didn't get what I wanted.

Last night I had a dream with my ex from years ago. My first love. He and I were married in the dream. I woke up so sad. He was who I wanted to be with. I can remember him in my dreams and in my dreams I remember things that I can't remember while awake. The sound of his voice. How does this happen? I miss the love I had for him. I miss that he loved me. He loved me so much. But, he couldn't handle me being ill. He was too weak and he admitted it.

And now, I am this person. This person, an artist. How did I get here? I was going to be the housewife with a career, a marriage and a dog. Maybe one kid. Now, I am this driven, ailing soon to be 40 year old. On the 25th, I will be 40. I am single and alone and I have no one to help me with anything unless I pay them.

I just feel lost. And, I am so far behind on how much you can find out about "anything" on the net and I never watch the news. I am too tired to watch the news. I put my energy into other things. Like my business and trying to stay afloat health wise.

So yeah, I should be happy that these shots are working. And that I can eat pizza. I mentioned this in the past but I have to mention it again. I have gained some weight. Like 13 pounds. I am not even eating a lot of junk. For years I was unable to gain a pound. Well, not anymore! I think it is due to the shot. If I am not having inflammation anymore in the gut, then I can only assume that it must be helping the gut and me to keep on the pounds. I went from a 2 to a size 4. I look ok, but it all goes to my midsection which I hate. And, I have cellulite now. Suddenly, this year, I am noticing it. I was in a bathroom this evening while out for dinner and there in the mirror, I could see ripples in my butt. It was a bathroom for one where the mirror was like this huge...annoyance due to seeing every flaw. And ripples in my once hot tush. WHAT?? Now I have this obsession with staring at other women and their legs and butts. "Do they have cellulite" I wonder? "Did they escape cellulite?" My 81 year old mother says, "I never had cellulite. I wonder where you got it." LAUGH. THANKS MOM!! Feeling better, thumbs up! And yes, I am going blind to boot. Reading glasses are everywhere. Purse, bedside table, dining room. BLIND.

Once I get some sleep, I will feel better. I know I sound nuts, but I am not.

You know how they say that CFS changes the brain? Clearly we know it does; I can't help but think that CFS has made me creative. I have always been creative, but now I am really creative and I think it's beyond weird. I used to be really book smart. Now, not so much, instead, the other side of my brain has fired. I want a balance. I like the creativity but I want both back.

Tell me a story. Anything. Help me to not feel very alone right now. I am having a midlife crisis. I will probably have another one too. Tell me you have had one. Tell me you survived it. Tell me you had another one and survived it. Lie if you have to! :D

Comments

Looking up ex's is way too depressing. I saw a pic on the net of mine and he was all smiles and partying it up with his celeb friends. And then I saw another pic of a different guy I dated and he was rock climbing and looking in the peak of health and we are the same age and I look like someone's mom. Way too depressing!

I'm glad you found something for the food allergies. I hope it's a treatment that will become mainstream.

I do think this disease opens up hidden talents and particularly creative ones. I guess because it works on a different part of the brain.

Don't get so stressed over the legal stuff. If they don't even have a lawyer, they might be all talk and no action. And if they busted your contract by not finishing by May, they don't have a legal leg to stand on. Make a few calls and get a free consultation, you'll feel better.
 
Thanks Carrigon. I think I may have to change my name on here because I googled spitfire and my photo came up and since my ex is good at tracking down info, he'll be sure to be reading these. Oh boy! I need to figure out how to change my name.

That was funny about the mom part. It is depressing. You are right!
 
Hey Spitfire,
I sure like the "Tell me a story... Lie if you have to!" I feel that way so much and so often.

For some years now I've been trying to make sense of those of us who are sick and have spouses or partners, and those of us who seem to want that connection so badly. How can the world be that cruel, right? But damn it, it really is. I can relate to almost every single sentence in here except about the allergies improving so much. I get why you want a job where there's a built-in boundary. I get that you're also so incredibly talented at what you do that there must be a true fire in you that flares up and causes all of the heartache about things and the sometimes-unrealistic expectations. I wish I had something to add to the web stuff, because there are practical answers to that I bet, and I bet many here at PR have some insights. I get the horror of knowing you were better than the men you loved, but it meant everything to have them to love, and whatever they were able to return. It's sick that if a man is well, he will do okay with women (minus some obvious exceptions) even if he's a stalker, a sociopath, or just a hot mess. It might be even more likely he'll couple easily if he's any of those things. The only reason you aren't moving up and with someone better is because you're forced to live life not knowing what the next day brings, and that makes for some damn hard circumstances when you meet people. It's partly a feeling of guilt a lot of us (or all of us!) have about not being able to give all we know we have been, and sometimes that fear is actually given right back to us by someone who says, "I don't want to do this" or "I can't do this" or--worse still--who says nothing and just disappears. I know how it feels to be a size 2 and go to a 4 and to think, hey--wait a minute, this isn't fun anymore (after the excitement of gaining weight wears off), but having to accept the possibility that even though guys and others had great things to say about how we looked, our bodies weren't okay, weren't taking in nutrients. Our organs were starving and all they know now is to stash what has come their way, just basic math like a squirrel and his acorns. It still sucks, and it's a part of being a woman that just never feels easy, and as our bodies change and we can't exercise them or have them feel good and strong, the fact that time isn't standing still while we've been in suspended animation to some degree, really twists the knife. If you're anything like me, you thought at least you'd keep being the you you remembered until you got that project, that partner, that security, whatever, and now it seems even less likely.

So yeah, I have had a few midlife crises, and I expect another one soon as I get ready to move after 5 years of being in the woods, away from the world, not having to offer explanations for "why I can't...", where I leave the memories of my ex-fianc who quickly moved on to an 18-year-old. If there's an answer, I haven't found it. If there's one more decision I have to make, my head will pop off of my neck. If one more thing goes wrong and one more night of sleep is abruptly interrupted (and it will be) just UGGGGH.

Thanks Spitfire, you've got balls of steel and I always admire that you say what I'm often too embarrassed to say. I'm guessing there are many more out there who feel the same way.

And a good (enough) night to us both...
Zoe
 
Zoe, yes I do say what's on my mind. I loved what you wrote. Every word. You summed it up. You expressed it better than myself. I have energy for work because it's not as emotional as an intimate connection. If I lose my job, it will upset me, but it won't bring me to my knees like losing a romantic partner. I am sorry about your ex fiance. That would be a tough nut to crack and it shows me a lot that you mentioned it at the end. No offense to men, but they can all get a younger girl and I don't get it. I have no desire to be with someone that much older.

And I love the woods and the silence and that is heart breaking that you must leave it.

I wasn't always this ballsy when it came to speaking my mind. I used to be quiet and I would hide my emotions. Now that I am ill, as the years have passed, I don't have the energy to be anything other than myself in all it's glory, flaws and honesty. This woman that I recently hired told me that she loved me because I came right out and said, "well, you are not right for the job and I knew that before you came, but I wanted to give you a chance." She told me that she loved that. That I just was so honest and she had never had anyone say that and so bluntly. I then turned around and hired her because she told me if I ever need help around my apartment with papers or work, she could help. So, I hired her.

Anyway, I went off a little there...I don't want guilt anymore. I am tired of guilt. Of not being good enough. Of not having the energy to hike or play tennis like I used to. To not be able to keep plans. Not even with my job at times. I don't want some man saying, "you don't meet my needs." I am over it. As far as I am concerned, no man, not even my first love ever completely met my needs. Because if they did, I wouldn't have broken up with "them!" I broke up with all of the ones I loved, because I knew to cut my loses but I cried. I cried myself to sleep and still do.

THANK YOU. I like your story or how it's not so distant from mine.

I found the privacy controls so you have to be a member to read my blogs and what not.
 

Blog entry information

Author
Misfit Toy
Views
440
Comments
4
Last update

More entries in User Blogs

More entries from Misfit Toy