Magic wand anyone?

I needed somewhere to come and vent about this. I am doing better, due to the shots, but I have had a set back due to my period. My period is the albatross around my neck always. It takes me from 60 to 5.

I am really sad today and need somewhere to come and let it out. I just watched the movie on Coco Chanel. I feel so inspired and so sad all in one. I always had the dream of becoming so successful and really being awesome at whatever I did. I cared more about that then a man or marriage. I have always wanted to love what I do as far as a job is concerned. I have found that in my job. I love designing jewelry and know it is my passion and I am good at it. I am great at it. I look at other jewelers designs and they are one trick ponies. I can create something out of anything. But I am too sick to get entangled in the business aspect and I can't formulate a business plan.

I got together with a friend the other night who is a multi millionaire. He had one good idea on top of another for me. He owns his own company and has 30 employees and he doesn't deal with them, he has hired someone else too. He told me I need a business plan, I need to hire employees, I need to decide if this is a hobby or a business. WELL, he knows I am sick but doesn't get it. How could he? I look great and we were in a bustling restaurant, which I recommended.

For 2 days now, I have been so down. That is what I would love to do is hire employees and have a serious business. I am a "one woman show" and I do it all. WHY? I can't afford to hire people and I don't have the energy to train someone. But, I do know that I have to change some things. I do hire people during Christmas and I have an assistant at that time, but that isn't enough.

I hate being ill. When you have so much to give. When there is so much in you that you want to do. I am also a good cook and I can make great cakes. I would like to start a gluten free wedding cake business along with an ice cream parlor for those that are milk intolerant. Nothing like that exists here in Philadelphia. So, I sit and dream. I dream of all that I want to do. I need to marry rich. If I married rich, then I could make all of my dreams and business desires work. My jewelry business does work, but it's slow and depends on my illness. The economy is killing me. I would never marry for money and I tend to go after those that are broke and super smart. Or, are they not so smart because they are broke??

I know so many other people must be able to identify with my feelings. With having so much to give and being unable. Or being able and then suddenly being unable, due to the unpredictability of this illness. I have this brain that chirps constantly with ideas, so much so I can't sleep. And yet a body that is unable to keep up. I am stuck in this skin.

Thanks for listening. I really needed to get that out. I think I will go cry now and throw a pillow up against a wall.

Comments

hi spitfire
oh how i relate to that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you have no idea how much. i practically could have written it myself. i always wanted to work in things i was passionate about. well i have had several careers that ended (not good) due to this delightful illness. i actually did open my own business and ran it for about 6 yrs and my cfs got worse and worse. it was a joke trying to run the business. people loved it and were so upset when i closed it down. but i was literally killing myself.

if i had know how sick i would have become i would have married one of my various previous boyfriends who i had broken up with - im not explaining that right. not for the money- but because i am not ABLE to work and support myself, and they were wonderful guys. and now i am too fat and too ill to date - ha! oh the irony!

on the positive side - some 23 year old freak wanted to get "cyber naughty" with me tonight in a chat room. i was like "um, no, i am old enough to be your mother. so, no thanks, i dont want to get nekked and chat about it". gross!
 
Your so not alone Spitfire!!
it's so sad and frustrating to have all those great ideas, and be inspired every day and have absolutely NO energy to get out of bed some days:

it's like swimming in a pool of jello, i too know i could be so great at what i do( or used to do) i had major dreams for this small 10 acre farm i live on.
and like you, my friends and family just dont get it. my cousin is always telling me, if you can't start yourown business, then go work for someone else.

She knows im sick, and has even had a client of hers that died with severe fibro. yet she dosent even acknowlege im sick or even ask me how im doing. Unless they have been there they dont get it.

So i say Cry and throw that damn Pillow against the wall as many times as it takes to make you feel a little better. you have to let out the greief or it will consume you.
when i get that way, i get in my old golf cart and drive way out to the other side of the farm and cry cry cry, and sometimes write, it helps.

as far as your period, have you had your hormones checked?? theres a lot of things now they can do to make that better depending on your problems, i made the horrible mistake of just having a Hysterectomy to make things better, but all it did was make a bad situation worse.

I know it's hard, But as long as were still here breathing. we have to just keep pushing along until they can fix us, i believe one day we will have our lives back.so keep on dreaming and dont give up your dreams, i know they will come to fruition in thier time. I Pray for better days for all of us, theres so much talent here on this board.

I keep thinking about florence Nightingale, she was bedridden yet she started the red cross!! Hang in there, ill be thinking about you tonite and keep you in my prayers
Kat
 
That's the story of us all here, isn't it. The mind is willing, but the body is not.
 
Yes it is Carrigon. I guess I am happy I even have a business and so much of what I do can be done on the internet. But there is nothing like personal contact out and about which I can still do minimally. The events and the setting up of tables can be draining. A couple of years ago I was better at it. Not as much anymore. I am still doing what I do and making money, just nothing like I "could". It's hard to swallow sometimes.

Thanks for getting it folks. And bigmama2, I love the cyber thing with the 23 year old!! That's so funny. And Kat, I did cry last night but I didn't have the energy to throw a pillow...so I just went to sleep early. Which...was probably better for me.

As far as the hormones, they have tried everything and I am allergic to my own hormones. That is the problem. Can't take them.
 
I am in the same predicament. I have a successful online business, but could potentially be doing much more with it, if only I had the energy to hire and train employees. But I don't. And it eats at me. On the other hand, I already spend too much time on the business as it is at the cost of my health. It's about denial. At some point though you must accept your limits. If you don't you'll drive yourself crazy. You must remember that you are ill. That others in the same position would not be able to do any more than what you are doing. That it's not a matter of will power.
 
Have you seen this one?

Go here, tell them you have a small business doing well and that you want business advice for growing. An expert should be helping and guiding you.

http://www.greaterphilachamber.com/

(I think you're from Philadelphia but if not, just the same thing in wherever you live)
 
Hi Spitfire and ladies,

My heart goes out to you. I relate to what you are saying about your ambitions and dreams, and longing to plan and do and make it happen, but knowing you can't - and I'm just the caregiver, not even the CFS patient.

It is so frustrating for your head to know, and others to tell you, what you 'should do', but with the unpredictable nature of CFS, plans just aren't something that make a lot of sense. And it so sucks when others have no clue and keep giving well meaning advice that only makes the sting worse.

What's funny about this for me is I'm a biz coach, for heaven's sake, and earn my living, as much as I can, helping others plan and grow their businesses. Which is all well and fine if you can make a plan and follow through. But CFS is so unpredictable, how the heck could you? For a few years, before John stabilized a bit, I did not even dare plan for my biz, let alone think we could make any plans for him.

From what I can see it just has to be a case of doing what you can on the good days, WITHOUT self imposed time lines and shoulds - or you will drive yourself crazy and sicker, which serves no one. Dream and plan for the future, yes - just no time lines or other people's expectations on you.

I hope you will throw pillows, cry and scream at the heavens, all while taking good care of yourselves so you can 'live to play another day.' And we can all keep watching the amazing progress finally starting to happen with research and dream that the day for real planning will indeed come.

Bless you,
Pam
ps MNC - thanks for the link to A Very Long Engagement - I just ordered the DVD from Amazon
 
So, awesome responses here. Thank you! I will look on that youtube video MNC and than you to SENSING. It is good to see someone else is in the same boat.

I am always working, even when I am not. My mind constantly is creating or deciding what is best. But you are right PAM, I can't make a business plan or a time line. I am flying by the seat of my pants. I am going to make a wise decision though. I am going to go to a college and ask for an intern to help me and assist me for little pay or possibly none. They can receive college credit. This way, I can let go of the reigns a little. They can do stuff like put the tags on jewelry or tags on boxes or help me set up events.

Here's hoping. Whatever, the illness always wins and comes first. It BLOWS! I am just happy if I can make some money and pay my bills at this point and maybe have some extra cash for a night away or a new shirt.
 
Hey Spitfire,

Getting an intern sounds like a great idea, as they can usually be pretty flexible as well, as the credits are what they are working for. Make sure you do your interviews just like you would for a real employee. There are so-so interns and great ones, so you may as well be picky and get a great one.
 
Books to write, lectures to give, people to meet, so much to love. Not a day goes by that I don't dream of what I might be doing.
This week I've been craving adventure. Windsurfing, a smooth rock wall to climb, a jaunt on the Transiberian railroad.
Not there yet. All the same, I love this bit from Paulo Coelho: "The hills of Andalusia were only two hours away, but there was an entire desert between him and the Pyramids. Yet the boy felt that there was another way to regard his situation: he was actually two hours closer to his treasure...the fact that the two hours had stretched into an entire year didn't matter."
 
Spitfire and others,

This has to be the greatest tragedy of CFS. Lives unlived. Unspeakable loss for us and society. Take care.

BEG
 
Spitfire -- Can you ask this millionaire if he'd help have someone write up a business plan for you? Or would he be interested in investing in your business? If he's truly a caring, compassionate gentleman, with no alterior motives, I would hope he'd be more than willing to help...

Hope you're feeling better again soon.

d.
 
Haing lived with this for over 27 years I have had times when I could function and others when i couldn't. Lately I am just dealing with daily living. Loooking back I see that sometimes I pushed myself to do projects and things I loved, only to have them take a terrible toll on my long term health and well being.

It seems you have a gift which you can probably use while working at your own pace. If you can be disciplined to do things only at that pace you may achieve what you desire....it just may take more time.

In my situation I need to interact with others to assist me with some business issues .From time to time I have had assistance from some very generous people who have voluntarily given their time. This has worked better than when i tried to hire somone (as I could not always keep to appointment times).

Now I am opening up to getting more support and simplifying my life so that things flow better. Because I am a visual person it takes me a while to get "the picture" but once I've got it things tend to fall into place.

Just this morning I described how I created a home by visualisation.

So with your active mind you possibly visualise receiving the payment for your jewellery as a part of the creative process. Then this could come to you in a number of ways.

V
 
These are all such good valid points. To danny, I could never ask my friend to help me out financially or even with advice. He has a family and lives out of state, so we talk sporadically. He is busy as hell.

Today I was told by my web designer that I need to answer the phone and say my name...not "hello." I have been told twice in one week that I need to be more professional. It's very hard for me. I have never been able to work in a professional setting. I got sick when I was 18. I am told how talented I am and that I have a great product, but that I need to step it up in all areas. I think I am doing a good job. I am doing the best I can.

This web guy said I need to get into shows where you pay like $3,000 grand to sell your stuff, but these events are 2 weeks long. I could never do that. I just can't. It pisses me off.

I have been given a gift and this illness prevents it from really getting OUT THERE. Monetarily, physically, etc. What a bummer!

But, I am going to keep on trying anyway...because that is what I do.
 
Your designs are very nice, Spitfire. I meant to say this earlier, the day I read your blog. I am slow. And disorganized.

I have a lot of hope for the young people here who are ill. I'm optimistic that you will get real medical help in the coming years and be able to realize dreams.

Please take care.

Merry
 

Blog entry information

Author
Misfit Toy
Views
789
Comments
16
Last update

More entries in User Blogs

More entries from Misfit Toy