Life is Painful - 5:55am

I am being tested. How far over the edge can Howard be pushed before he totally disintegrates… before he explodes into a blazing fireball of raging fury?

My roommate is seemingly a horrible human being. He's forever angry, hopelessly self-centered, and flatout mean. He's also an admitted manipulator (not a very good one) who regularly demeans the staff to get what he wants.

And he's just had his blood drawn at 4 flippin' a.m. .. and doesn't think twice about having the room lights left on afterwards for an indeterminate period of time…

Then there's the noise. Always the noise. From all directions. Encroaching upon me. Ceaseless. Unending. From him. From everywhere surrounding, generated always.

I NEED to make myself permanently deaf. Somehow. In a painless fashion. The noise is stressful. It's physically burdensome. It's hurting me. It's harmful. I cannot relax. My guard is up, constantly. My defenses fighting and battling this unseen intruder that permeates my being.

Why is it necessary that I be tortured in such a way? What is the plan here? Can this noise assault lead to a personal bettering, or possibly a medical cure? Perhaps I need to endure a full-bodied all out sonic saturation event to rid myself of my inner demons… not that I believe I actually have any.

Then again, three long beautiful hours being CT scanned in a hopelessly narrow tube amid deafening sonic booms, penetrating sound factions, and grinding gears had no discernible impact, besides it's uplifting aftermath… which has long since dissipated.

Lights, they're still on. On me they shine. Bulbs of everlasting beauty enliven me further in this wrecked state during these wretched hours where every first, last, and every soon to be expiring soul here, is pleasingly unconsciously unaware.

Did I write "enlivening" ..???

No. Perhaps something more akin to enraging.

Light, my enemy. Sound, my foe. Touch me gently instead. Make THIS alright. Make everything okay. Give me moments of plain, spare, nothingness, inside and out. I require calm loving. I crave deft ease through empathy. I seek out this peaceful realm, openly. There's no shame in admitting.

I am human, therefore I want. And through wanting, I suffer. I know this. I've done the math. Somehow, I must move beyond and past being human. But how is it that I attain such a state within my existing form?

Achieving nirvana amongst this carnage, this excess, that which is making every effort to consume me… to render me dead, both inside and out… well, that's the challenge. How is it that I may simply be? And why is it now so difficult… Why am I unable to let everything pass through me, as I once was?

Am I lacking Acceptance? Is that what this is?

Probably yes. Acceptance and Surrender. It's as simple as it sounds. I must let go. Fully. Totally. Yet still, I resist.

My roommate is human, too. And he's merely doing the best he can to avoid his own pain, the only way he knows how. And I am judging him. I have no right to do so. I need to see him as he truly is, a hurting, neglected child who is striking out in all directions, seeking his own salvation. And somehow, I need to accept him fully as he is. It's not he who is making me miserable, it is me.




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Comments

Maybe, just maybe you could ask kindly if there is any storage rooms available at night, with
enough space for your bed.
I know I would.
I’d go absolutely mad if I where in your place.

the last years I was working, I had my working place in a tiny storage room.
That isn’t really allowed in Norway, we have tons of rules everywhere,
but that was how I could get any work done.
Little noice, no flickering nor aromatic candles.
 
First, the thing I think you should try and let go of is thinking that you must not be doing something right. ie/resisting, non-acceptance, yadda yadda. This present suffering you are experiencing has nothing to do with thinking or not thinking a certain way. It's called CFS/CNS torture from too much stimulus. There was a time when I would have gladly crawled into a cave if I knew of the whereabouts of one...............to get away from the stimuli.

Accepting Jeff fully as he is doesn't mean you have to put up with his noise or disrespectfulness. It is harming you. Harm isn't something you have to accept.

Can you be more upfront with Jeff in a way you maybe havn't been yet? Does he really understand the repercussions of the environmental stimuli? Does he really know how tortuous it is for you? You might not be able to do anything about the noise in the rest of the facility.............but I think it is worth it to let Jeff know how it is REALLY affecting you so at least there is a chance for change in your immediate area.

Hope today has some peace in store for you.:hug:
 
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@Howard....It's perfectly within your rights to ask the technician to turn the lights off. If he/she doesn't then call him, croak, use a stick to hit the sides of your bed, whatever to draw attention to the fact that the lights are still on.

I remember those highlighted beams, something like 4 in all that were blinding...to say the least. And the computer (a very large one) whose screen was left emitting a strange light.

Jeff does NOT have the right to make life utterly miserable for those trying to help him. If he doesn't behave, he'll have to hire his own private nurse to take care of him and yes, they'll make him. You're allowed to have a major temper tantrum caused by him....but it probably won't help.

I agree that another room may not be any better....but ask the "favored" nurse to check around and see if there is a thoughtful person in another one. Someone who isn't going to check out too soon, one way or the other.

Why is that you always leave the hospital, nursing home, rehab hosp. in worse shape than when you entered? It's just wily nily entering any time someone feels like it. How about a mask, do you need one? That may help.

See, there are all sorts of things we don't think we need until the time comes. You can always leave it for some other person if you don't want it when you leave, thus it isn't wasted. I should have read this blog before I answered the last (?) one. Yours, Lenora.
 
Yeah. I need to do something. And I need to figure out a way to get message to my favorite nurse (pass her a note, I suppose). I'll do that tonight. Ask her if there are any better roommate options. Someone who is quiet, and nearly dead. Someone without a TV.

And I'd like to confront him, which I've done before, but then he eventually ups the ante.

This morning he was angry because the CNA was paying more attention to me... because, today is my shower day. So he gets exasperated, and has no one else to take it out against. He knows and realizes that I am sensitive to volume. It's been discussed often and regularly enough. But he wants to do what he wants to do.

Yes, he's improved, overall. If I tell him I'm going to sleep, he does turn the TV off. Or utilizes his headphones in the middle of the night.

Eh. I'll just call social services right now, and see if they have any other rooms available.
 

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