Sometimes, i close my eyes....and i'm there.
Hes 11, shes 2. I'm 36....
I see the parking lot of the church where his boyscouts was,
i see my daughter i'm holding on my hip. I see the parents i am mingling with as we say goodbye. I see the golden moon glowing on a dark blue winters night. Sometimes, i see us rising up in the sky.....
I used to wonder why. This scene especially would play in my head over and over. I do believe, its my consciousness way of honoring that woman i was. I've already blogged about my feelings on unbecoming everything you ever were to being bathed in a bed by strangers that read your story in a newspaper. But, what i feel has happened more and more with me, is an acceptance. a deep respect for that woman. A deep respect for this woman i am now. These are two very different humans. It almost feels that a transition occurred back then. Because when i see that scene, me and my children are always enveloped in a golden egg of light each and together. I feel the deepest sense of peace. Because, in a way, that last image, was a death of me in many ways. Somewhere i stopped fighting it. Somewhere i began accepting my reality. I have such deep admiration for her and all she held together as her body and world fell apart.
I have many different shades of difficult dreams, night terrors and all in between. One nit surprising theme that shows up often is i am in different scenarios searching for my children. Especially for my daughter, trying to keep up with her toddler self and as you can imagine, not being able to (my body), it creates many difficult dreams. The other night, a deceased friend visited me in a dream. I had the backdrop going of a challenging situation in which the details are murky. I remember she took my hand amidst my immense physical suffering of trying to breathe and stay alive after trying to find my daughter....and she told me that i am a good mother and
i have done such an incredible job given the amazingly difficult card i've been dealt. I felt such peace. Yes, there were my normal dream things occurring and i feel and taste these shades of gray in so many of them as well. But there was this knowingness, this acceptance. This deep love and honor. For it all.....and that, that is a shift in me. Because this pain, has been an unbearable weight at times pertaining to my children.
If you are looking for a soothing and beautiful meditation that is simple and short yet allows you to shine your love to gaia and humanity, i love this one:
"Now, it would seem logic would dictate that these investigations be considered separate entities however i believe otherwise. I believe that these mysteries are not separate entities but are in fact complimentary verses of the same song. Now, i cannot hear it yet but i can feel it. And that is enough for me to proceed." -Agent Cooper (Twin Peaks)
Isn't that really the root of so much suffering? Separation until we no longer see the actual picture anymore, with humans, with this illness, with the medical field in general, with governments, with God (Source). How can we ever fully heal as humanity, when we think everything is separate? When we forgot we are whole and not just the puzzle piece. No wonder the anguish humanity feels over holding individual puzzle pieces for so long looking to complete a puzzle they do not fully realize exists.
Much love and light to you all
Hes 11, shes 2. I'm 36....
I see the parking lot of the church where his boyscouts was,
i see my daughter i'm holding on my hip. I see the parents i am mingling with as we say goodbye. I see the golden moon glowing on a dark blue winters night. Sometimes, i see us rising up in the sky.....
I used to wonder why. This scene especially would play in my head over and over. I do believe, its my consciousness way of honoring that woman i was. I've already blogged about my feelings on unbecoming everything you ever were to being bathed in a bed by strangers that read your story in a newspaper. But, what i feel has happened more and more with me, is an acceptance. a deep respect for that woman. A deep respect for this woman i am now. These are two very different humans. It almost feels that a transition occurred back then. Because when i see that scene, me and my children are always enveloped in a golden egg of light each and together. I feel the deepest sense of peace. Because, in a way, that last image, was a death of me in many ways. Somewhere i stopped fighting it. Somewhere i began accepting my reality. I have such deep admiration for her and all she held together as her body and world fell apart.
I have many different shades of difficult dreams, night terrors and all in between. One nit surprising theme that shows up often is i am in different scenarios searching for my children. Especially for my daughter, trying to keep up with her toddler self and as you can imagine, not being able to (my body), it creates many difficult dreams. The other night, a deceased friend visited me in a dream. I had the backdrop going of a challenging situation in which the details are murky. I remember she took my hand amidst my immense physical suffering of trying to breathe and stay alive after trying to find my daughter....and she told me that i am a good mother and
i have done such an incredible job given the amazingly difficult card i've been dealt. I felt such peace. Yes, there were my normal dream things occurring and i feel and taste these shades of gray in so many of them as well. But there was this knowingness, this acceptance. This deep love and honor. For it all.....and that, that is a shift in me. Because this pain, has been an unbearable weight at times pertaining to my children.
If you are looking for a soothing and beautiful meditation that is simple and short yet allows you to shine your love to gaia and humanity, i love this one:
"Now, it would seem logic would dictate that these investigations be considered separate entities however i believe otherwise. I believe that these mysteries are not separate entities but are in fact complimentary verses of the same song. Now, i cannot hear it yet but i can feel it. And that is enough for me to proceed." -Agent Cooper (Twin Peaks)
Isn't that really the root of so much suffering? Separation until we no longer see the actual picture anymore, with humans, with this illness, with the medical field in general, with governments, with God (Source). How can we ever fully heal as humanity, when we think everything is separate? When we forgot we are whole and not just the puzzle piece. No wonder the anguish humanity feels over holding individual puzzle pieces for so long looking to complete a puzzle they do not fully realize exists.
Much love and light to you all
Likes:
Tammy and Emmarose47
