Incredible Circumstances and Wrong Doings

Critical Mistakes Were Made

I don't even know how I am doing this right now. And if I look back only a short ways, I wonder… what the hell is going on in my world? I can barely comprehend all of everything that is happening.

The Past 26 Days

I voluntarily temporarily moved into a nursing home (in order to utilize this as a home base for medical treatment) to get my teeth pulled and gain access to a neurologist… so I could possibly get a diagnosis, and maybe even ..get better, so my wife would love me once again.

And what happens instead is that my wife dumps me (I am now homeless) and the psychiatrists here want to commit me to a psychiatric ward because I am delusional, have something called a conversion disorder, and somatic disorder… which by their definition means I am imagining this illness (and on the whole, this reality).

I wish instead I was vividly imagining the past 26 days, rather than experiencing them horribly. It was all a dream, right? Is that what they say.. ? Or perhaps I can utilize the temporary amnesia trope, a technique that's often practiced in the Korean dramas series I frequently watch.

So now what the fuck do I do?
Seriously?

I don't mean to offend anybody with high flying f-bombs, but it's the only bomb I've got left in my arsenal. That, and a whole lotta verve. In real life, f-bombs and verve wouldn't even get me in through the out door. How about some dystopian mind crimes instead? I wonder how those would go over. Well, probably like a lead balloon.

I best stop writing like this or they'll pin me down with another outta-sight outta-my-mind disorder. Stream of Consciousness Syndrome. And when you think about the word "disorder" it means something akin to… lacking order, right? Order unattainable? Asynchronous order?

Am I disjointed right now?
Are you ever?
How do we get ourselves back up and running?

No, not running in the literal sense. Your P.E.M.'d to death corpse won't be held over my head (unless you've got a handy dandy levitation feature built in). But sure thing, I'll eventually come about.. someplace, somehow. I can live or exist just about anywhere, as time passes. Give me a mattress and allow me to mainline some feeding formula at regular intervals… and I'm good to go, ready to travel.

Just imagine the crazy-ass headlines I could generate. Something like - We've got another "Howard on the Mattress" sighting reported.. looks like he's on the tarmac at DFW. Or is it SEATAC.

So yeah, I am no longer affiliated with anybody. I'm free to move about the universe, as long as somebody else is willing to do the moving. And who the heck wouldn't want what I've got to offer?

I really should join a dating site just for kicks, to see what turns up. In the least, I'd make a fantastic long distance romance partner (sight unseen, preferably). From short distance, there'd be problems. Possibly vague forms of revulsion. Eventual apathy. So maybe I need a stuffed animal. Or a stuffed human could suffice.

So where we at?

They just did my feeding formula bag at 110am and now I cannot go back to sleep because I am tripping out. Not a super bad wanting to die kind of thing, but .. far too much unpleasantness. I feel soooooo alone (mind you, I feel the support here, online). But what I'm talking about is ...alone in a physical sense. Like those fail-to-thrive babies.

Unimportant Details

My last hug was experienced on January 16th, 2019.. from my original caregiver. It was her birthday. She was the last human to touch me with intent, besides those poke-poking phlebotomists, a handsy nurse in the E.R. back in June, the dental assistant who squeezed my hand back in February, and various paramedics pulling me onto and off of the carrying-down-the-difficult-stairs burrito tarp.

At least I'll never have to negotiate those twists and turns ever again. Nor shall I ever see my cat again, Samara. That's a double bummer. She loved me. I think. I mean she seemed to.

Anyway, I'll have to reach out to that one mobile phlebotomist, so I can hold her hand again. Heck, since I've showered, she may let me hold both hands simultaneously. Think of all the limitless hand holding positions! Someone should write a book "The Joys of Hand-holding" - with graphic illustrations!

Gosh, I miss human contact. Which may sound peculiar. Unless you are in the same boat, with similarly defective oars, while lacking any natural propulsion options.

But wait, I'm this super masculine testosterone fueled guy .. why can't I touch myself?

Am I sleepy yet? Is there a point to this?

Temporary Advocate Woman was hyper-wound and super-saturated like me. Or maybe we were simply glad to share with like-situated others. And I also talked long and strong with an online friend. Then later on, my sisters joined the fray via text. One asking if I was watching the ballgame, the other suggesting I take the drugs.

My mom called. She was crushed (on my behalf, of course). Apparently my former wife called these people in my family, letting them know she was no longer affiliated with me. Hmmm… I also humored and amused tonight's CNA. She has just now returned from her Covid bout. And then also, my roommate was very kind, understanding, and supportive (if not occasionally loud) all day long.

Ok. Tired and wired now. Aching burning muscles. Be mindful. Breathe. Post this stupid blog entry. Let the world come unto you (me).

These past 24-hours have been super double difficult hell.
These past 26 days have been plain hellish
These past 6 years of my life stuck in bed without much support and little caring have been, at times, gruelling.

2008 was pretty good. I think.

And really, to some extent, I am relieved that I am no longer in limbo. Really, I am. Now I can deal with life as it comes at me sideways and unexpectedly.

Thank you for participating in my life -
Howard

Comments

Very few people get to experience this level of unattachment and freedom.
A time of great transformation and transmutation is upon you.
On a spiritual level, you are on the level 500 course.

Holding space for your massive grief and trauma right now.

Much love and light from all of us friend.

 
Reacting in a shallow petty way, and having gotten lessons via various sources of fiction (see Kung Fu Panda), you could send your ex an email, indicating you'll be sending someone over to Get the Cat, once you've settled in your new place.

I've watched Legally Blonde, maybe 15 times.

Crushed, well thats a great term for it. Wonder what a fly on the wall would tell us, about how that conversation went. Your poor mom.....

(X-wif didnt send your family emails?)

Might as well launch some date chat. The world is brimming with every kind of person, including females who fall in love with men on Death Row. Holding hands thru a cell block. Because whatever it is, that attracts us to others, somehow exists outside of this physicality. In my opinion.

:monocle:
 
@Howard

At the risk of being annoying, I'd like to repeat what I said yesterday in a different thread. This is probably a more appropriate spot anyway.

"We don't know each other in real life, but from all that you've written and shared on PR over the years, my impression is that you have the fortitude to get through this UNIMAGINABLE period of your life, with your trademark patience, gratitude, and sense of humor still intact. It's gonna be a real bitch, tho."

Warmly,
Z

P.S.: I think "26 Days" would make a good title for a future memoir, followed by a descriptive subtitle.
 
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It's a nice surprise to see you back here already, and I'm so glad you are. It's great you have this whole community here who absolutely knows this is NOT in your head as we're all combatting the same illness and have experienced the same accusations you're facing now. I've been completely mystified by all the rapid horrific happenings in your life. My mouth is still gaping open from it all, and I'm truly sorry for what you're going through.

You must know when extremely difficult major life changes occur, you'll return to baseline after a while.

I'm also glad you're not in limbo, so you can move on. You're certainly not exempt from relationships, love, and marriage. It seems like there was a singles thread here somewhere. There should be.
 
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Oh, I am being silly in regards to (ever) dating again... just seeking out small things to amuse and brighten :)

Hugs accepted, haha!

I'll respond to/acknowledge other comments as able. Physically feel as though I've been hit by a truck full of woolly sheep, the one's I missed counting last night.
 
Hi Howard......Did you remember that today's Halloween? I forgot myself. I expect our doorbell to be ringing within the next couple of hours. Seems to be getting dark out.

Now there's some group making certain that every child has a proper Halloween costume???? Sorry, but aren't there more important things they may need? Clothes for the winter, warm hats, coats and gloves....things of that nature. But why spoil what someone else is trying to do?

Yes, @Rufous is right....you'd have so many hugs that you'd be repulsed from human touch for years to come. You do know that, don't you? Even the busy would hug you (OK, in their way) but touch is seriously underestimated as helping to cure the very being of someone. I'm a hands on type of person anyway....I'm sure my grandkids are going to start some serious ducking when I'm around anytime now.

I'm glad that at least Jeff is making your life easier. You're right...in a way it's sometimes easier to know the answer to something than it is to be always be wondering what that answer is. A place to start one for sure.

I know you don't want to, but have you give any more thought to moving in with your mother until some decisions are made? I'm glad that you were in touch with your sisters....your family needs to and should know about your circumstances.

Yes, I can believe that you're feeling in a better state mentally. Not knowing is a torture of it's own type. You're feeling tired, most likely, so I'm not going to keep on the the same old subject. I'm wishing you well...and the reading Judy gave you was rather comforting, wasn't it? Anyway, many blessings, Howard & I'll check in tomorrow. Yours, Lenora.
 

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