Impermanent P.E.M. / Supplies Unchained / I am Board?

October 19th, 2021 - Yesterday into Today


This morning I achieved total victory, in regards to today's Commode Olympic Event. I did not stumble, nor did I fall. My moves were athletic, while my form was easily maintained.

My return to the mattress had me safely landing, face first, torso and legs falling into place, not far behind. Then I waited impatiently for the worst to hit, hoping to crash out quietly, returning to slumber as a means to avoid.

No such luck.

Lay still. Breathe slow and deep. Stop thinking. Stop considering. Just stop.

An hour of muscle aching preceded the joyously welcomed 45-minutes of napping. Yes. Napping during the height of a P.E.M. crash is the best solution. Three hours after the original event, I was mostly recovered.

Was it my concerted effort to breathe slowly and deeply? Maybe last night's tart cherry powder finally kicked in. Either way, I felt pretty darned good the rest of the day.

Supply Chain

After I finally received the correct feeding formula a few days ago (hooray!), I asked the supply guy when my formula bags would be arriving.

"We already have those in stock."

"No, you don't," I responded, matter of factly.

He picked one up, briefly examined the package, and claimed this and that, not knowing exactly what he was talking about.

So I battled back, unleashing a host of ill-tempered adjectives, ill-begotten adverbs and some sick southside Phoenix slang. And just as it was about to get ugly, The Supply Guy at long last admitted his wrongness. And that was several days ago. And I am about to die a true desert death due to acute dehydration.

Okay. I've got two empty formula bags left. And they could always send me over to the hospital for IV fluids if/when deemed necessary.

But come on people! Do I really have to micromanage my own healthcare while here?

Beyond that, how do these less fortunate elderly manage to stay alive, unable to deal with these types of obstacles? As it stands, my mother may be better off fending for herself at her current home, despite suffering from short and long term memory loss (and every form of memory loss in between). If it weren't for daily video call check-ins...

Anyway. I am a terrible administrator, yet I somehow manage.. to muck things up.

Example Sample

Today I received a message in an envelope. A letter from the state. And I think it instructs me to pay $180 per month in order to continue staying here.

I am not employed. So perhaps I shall start a campaign.

"For only $6 a day, you can support an averaged size 'Howard' .. and he'll pay you back with .. words. Lot's of words, randomly constituted. Or, for only $3 per day, your 'Howard' will cleverly place your name in one of his yet-to-be-sung music compositions. This is for real! Just think, your 'Howard' will popularize your name to the extent that each of his 18 youtube subscribers will blush with envy!"


I am now regularly experiencing boredom during the evenings, which is far better than crying my eyeballs out. And here, I shall explain the thing about that.

Note: I almost deleted the entire "Loner" subsection because it may be entirely self-indulgent.. having little meaning and no value to any of you. But, I wanted to convey something -


Year in and year out, my life filled with loneliness wasn't unenjoyable. It's what I knew. It's what I understood. It's an existence I accepted. I was always okay with doing my own thing, keeping busy with my projects, because spending time in the company of others (who couldn't or wouldn't understand) was both exasperating and exhausting.

Sure, I had girlfriends. And we talked simply about unresolved happenings, a movie to go to, a restaurant to visit, or that TV show I had little interest in watching in the first place... inconsequential stuff. Of course, I listened intently. Politely paid attention. Nodded. Memorized and compiled.. All the while waiting patiently for that moment where I could quietly slip away, back into my books or my music making.

More Perspective

It wasn't until after I met the person who capably understood, that I experienced true loneliness for the first time. My difficulty right now is all about our being apart. It's all about my losing that daily connection.. having lost a readily available means to relieve and release thoughts and ideas accumulated. There's pressure in knowing and always holding onto.. rarely being able to share comfortably and honestly.

With my wife, I could say things, many and most things. And there existed a high level of comprehension.. perhaps even a mastery, based upon intention and potential outcomes. Or how about.. words unspoken? Knowing I didn't need to over-explain was freeing. I felt a level of confidence, as well as competence, knowing she existed. And I suspect I am not the only one who's experienced this sensation.

The transition from alone, to NOT alone, can be a shock to the system. It's also quite likely the reverse is true.

Being understood is what it all comes down to. Everything else is puppies and rainbows.

Well, physical chemistry is a real thing. Pheromones. Touch sensation. Yes, those things, too. The difference makers between friends and .. something way more than just friends.

*I've met others riding this same or similar plane of existence or realm of knowing - but have never been closely assosciated


My F.B.O. (formula and bandage operation) fell way behind schedule today, pushed back this afternoon by three hours (apparent nursing emergency), then tonight it's been much the same. So I had to wait until 1244am to complete the third and final changeover.

But right now I've got the all-new earplugs wedged deep inside my ear holes. A black bandana looped over my eyes. My industrial strength ear muffs locked in place by an additional red bandana wrapped around my head for another layer of protection, and then my pillow on top of my head, with my white sheet tenting on top of that.

Why? Why? Why?

My roommate Jeff decided to loudly watch some TV (with the lights on) while eating a bag of freshly popped microwave popcorn (Orval Reddenbacker brand) after having already put away four packages of graham crackers and three Fig Newtons moments prior.

You see, he wasn't tired because he slept most of the day. And obviously, I am at fault for not having mirrored his napping schedule.


And even despite the layer upon layer of ear protection, I can clearly hear the TV voices, some kind of sitcom, something about a big misunderstanding. Canned laughter abound.

Would any of you be able to sleep through this? Am I simply oversensitive?

Now It's 443am

I did sleep for two hours just now. But activity out in the hallway is beginning to ramp up. My 100-year-old neighbor is already croaking away, the CNA is performing maintenance tasks on my roommate, and the groundskeepers are stirring up the dust in the parking lot.

Pulsing at 606

I dozed off again, but suddenly came to be awake, as they needed to unwrap me, in order to take my vitals.


Beep beep beep - my formula ran out.. so I try to keep my eyes closed while also reaching for the water bottle, pushing buttons on the feeder to shut it down, while uncapping the lid on the formula bag. I also add water to the bag without spilling, then pull off the tape and disconnect myself directly from the feed because I need to bleed out the excess air in the tube, dripping it off and into last night's empty container. And then, having completed those tasks, repeat everything I just did in reverse order.


Because it took too long and my eyes at times were partially open, my window for sleep is now closed. Body aches. Muscles sore.

You understand.

Now I hope to get my new formula feed going in the next 90-minutes, or today's schedule is going to go off the rails again.

Talk is Cheaper

I did have a long talk with the Assistant Nursing Coordinator yesterday afternoon, and we hatched a plan. It's now official that my formula bag needs to be changed out or cleaned within 2.5 hours of the start of each new shift.. that way, I'll receive all three of my prescribed formula bottles within a 24-hour timeframe.

Coffee Burn

Jeff dumped his coffee. Bad karma from loudly watching the "Rocky Horror Picture Show" at 3am. That's his go-to irritant. I never ever want to do the timewarp again!

Take care,



Hi @Howard. Re: Example Sample. No, I'm afraid you're going to have to sell your body to pay for this. You refuse to give us your address. See what it has done for you?....and yet the State has managed to track you down!

You have a duty now....and it's to keep Jeff awake during the daytime hours. Somehow, that diet of his sounds just terrible. Not good.

Busy today, Rod's 77th birthday and it has been a steady stream of calls, our daughter popping by with lunch and the one from CA constantly calling to see if her present has arrived. Thank goodness it did about an hour ago.

I'm exhausted even if Rod isn't. So I'm going to bare my teeth, pretend I'm smiling and head into the bedroom to gently rest up. I know...there's no such thing as sleep when you're in the hospital, respite care....any of it. Never ending days and nights....rather nights that end far too early, like when you've finally fallen asleep. Too much! Yours, Lenora.

Life makes less and less sense. That seems to be a plan.

Is there not nighttime, bedtime? If somebody wants to watch TV at 3 am, wear earphones. Use your laptop.

A person has a right to sleep, in a place that says you can Stay Here.

Oh brother Oh brother.

No, any sound not generated by me personally, is intolerable to my nervous system. I'd go postal. If you were asking me. I consider filing divorce papers, each evening when hubby returns to crumple, rumple, throw, toss and clang glass and paper. And he retrieves my supplies and I consider filing the papers.

I and I alone control the remote volume. Its adjusted every few moments. (you tube ads are loud). My counterpart is n't happy about this, but given he can't see the TV Screen well, and we find ourselves watching a CNN clip from 5 years ago, I control the scene.

My spouse is 8 years older and rather losing it, in that special way.

Meanwhile: $180. I"m happy to have a Howard creation dedicated to my name, but every month?

A solution must exist. Repeat. It just must.

Like the now missing famous boyfriend/fiancee, he must be somewhere, that Brian guy. So must be a solution.
We know swamps exist in Florida. And when one entirely blows it, crawl off to the swamp is a good plan.

I frequently just say I wish to be deposited by some large rock, adjacent to perhaps a large scenic vista, preferably remote. Leave me here, for a jaguar.

You being a loner is not newsworthy. That somebody crossed over, and was able to reach the loner, IS of course newsworthy.

I was never a loner. My INFT or is that INTJ is more or less illness- induced.

Unless the part where we get more and more eccentric with time counts. I am far more a loner now. And working alone was important, as everybody else is really bugging me.

Early career, I Did Two Months Alone In the Wilderness Surrounded by Bears. Happy, so happy.

But I recall long long ago, various dates, various boyfriends. Drama drama it got very old. I wanted out of this drama. And I was far too charming. I simply would be witty, charming, funny and darn it, the guy Thinks I" m in Love.

Why do they think that? I was just my nice, cordial, amused by life, Self.

so the boyfriend who became the husband was the one I could talk to. And now many years later, thats changing a bit. But its OK. He is a bit less paying attention. His attentions have shifted, to internal issues he must deal with.

But its Ok.
Thanks Howard, i always get a slightly dopamin release when there is a new blog entry :)
Same here, and I really look forward to the tales from the nursing home.

@Howard, you're a brilliant writer, and with such a talent you could be super-wealthy.

so Jeff likely does not have a laptop, or earphones....

is that the problem?...I mean, it seems like there has to be some time for quiet or the whole place might implode.
Exactly. There should be rules, like at least 8-12 hours of quiet time.
@Howard We might all be willing to call and file a complaint for you.

Those lights, are they above your head? They would have to be since you took the photo. They're super bright.
@DrUniverse and everybody else, I'm glad you guys are getting something out of this, as am I. All these inane thoughts, ideas, and perceptions floating about in my head desire fast escaping…

Otherwise, I just wish there was more doctoring going on. I want my damn muscle biopsy!!!

Oh, and I don't know if owing $180 per month is a real thing. Documents like these confuse me. Terminology too vague or over my head. Perhaps they'll be paying me that amount!

If I remember, I'll take a picture of the confusing line item.

@lenora - I put the Suns basketball game on, hoping he'd snap out of it. Awaken. And he sorta done did, but not until the nurse came in and gave him drugs. So, we'll see.

@Rufous McKinney - No rules. No bedtime. I've slept in worse conditions. I'll adjust. But yeah, back at my former home, I controlled the remote, and my wife preferred relative darkness. A most agreeable arrangement.

Yes, you are an INTJ. I am INTP with a rapidly developing F on the side.

@christian - I appreciate the praise. Helps motivate when motivation is lacking.

The lights are above me, but I control them myself. My roommate has his own bank of lights… two meters to my right. And he just turned them off.

Will he sleep through the night???
hey, tell us what formula feed:
we can all chip in and have a box sent to you to keep under your bed for emergencies.

love and light friend!
They procured my formula, now it's a matter of finding formula bags by tomorrow.. or I'll be mainlining it by tomorrow eve.

I will discuss in my next blog entry. You will be shocked ...and even more shocked. But I have a plan. :)

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