I should be happy, but it is killing me

An old friend/coworker, someone I've worked with for like maybe ten years or close to it on the net, he and his wife just had a baby. And he's been sharing the pics with me for awhile. And while I am very happy for them, I find it very painful for me. I've been sterile from this disease for over twenty years. I can't have kids. And just the fact they have a happy marriage, which I never got the chance to have because I've been sick so long, it's painful to me. They have everything I cannot have, the marriage, the baby, a good life together.

I'm just tired of watching other people get to live and I can't. Everyone else's life goes on normally, and I'm left to rot. I am happy for my friend, but it's just like more torture to me. Having things shoved in my face that I will never have or get to do. It's hard to deal with. And no one really knows why some people get to have that, while others of us get to be like this. And I just wish I had real answers because I'd probably be able to deal with it better if I knew the why of it.


Hi Carrigon and ((hug)),

Sometimes it just sucks. And I guess 'why' is the question no one on this earth ever has the answer to (at least so far as we know, while they are still here). But that is no comfort at all when your heart is breaking for what you've never had a chance to even try experiencing. For so many here the years just keep marching by, and every once in awhile something happens that vividly reminds you just how many years it has been. I have no answers, just a big, silent hug for you.
There aren't any answers are there? All we have is the knowledge that there are so many of us suffering with this rotten illness and we know exactly how you feel, the pain, heartbreak and grief sometimes is momentus.
We share your anger at the injustice of it all.
I think you cant only look the happy persons with happy lifes,there is a lot of people suffering for illness, or people that is not among us because is dead,or in hungry because is in Africa.
Allways there are people more rich, more healthy, more handsome more intelligent that us.
There are parents with very problematic sons that make them a miserable life.
Why? All our life is a mistery.
Its important to realize that we have, not that we have not.
A big hug, Carrigon.
Grief comes in like a tsunami. Then the waves keep messing things up. Finally the waves calm down and the grief recedes. I have struggled with my own anger/grief and come through to acceptance. And I know as it has been for so long grief will come again and I will learn something new about myself and the practice of omg.

Blessings and Peace Carrigan.
I can relate. Carrigan... I can relate.

I was listening to this NPR show yesterday: Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me.... it's a funny show, spoofing politics, etc. They had a trivia question: "If someone is sad, what will make them sadder?" The answer was to show them a happy picture. It was multiple choice, I forgot the other choices. (this was based on a scientific study). Anyway.... I understand.

some things just are - and have to be accepted as such - as refusing to do so will only cause you pain

so questions like "why me?" (or even "why not me?"), grieving over loss, anger and frustration, are all worse than pointless - as they lead nowhere

the only way I've found to deal with the challenges of other people happily moving forwards with their lives is to accept my own and ignore the insticts/thoughts that tell me life should be different/better for me - it isnt - nothing I can do is likely to alter that - so until a better option comes along acceptance is it.

which isnt to say that I'm good at it - or even particularly graceful about it - or that I dont have days where acceptance doesnt get a look in

but in the end - what choice is there?

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