freaking out, crying..HELP

i cant breathe im so upset thinking about having to take one of my kids to appointment today...i dont want to get out of house and drive...i cant take medications to help...i wish i wasnt crazy like this..i ddint use to be like this...i use to be more social...worked...went to holiday parties...did so much..now i freak out because i have to get outside....i feel so worthless and crazy..i have to hid it from my kids i dont want my crazy rubbing off on them or them being ashamed of me...i hate these illness...it wasnt until i got sick that all these other issues were magnified and come up...

im so upset alos becuase my sister sent pictures of all of my family who all got together at her home...im crying as i write this...i feel bad for being sad that i coulndt be there with htem..use to wed drive all that way to spend just a day or two...i cant stand a drive like that anymore...and it hurts that they were all together though im really happy that they were because i know it made them all happy..but at the same time i cant help but to feel sad that me and my family wasnt there because of me...i wasnt going to look at the pictures but my hubby had on his computer thing and just said look at showed them to me...he wasnt being mean..he didnt know i was trying to avoid looking he just thought i ddint know she had sent and was showing them to me..

i feel so desperate...and hopeless...we are having pluming problems which will probably cost a fortune that we dont have...my kids are in shcool...i cant work...i cant even hardly get out of house without having a melt down before and after...if feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and i cant hold it anymore..nothging good seems to happen for me...i dont know why but its like i have a huge target on my forehead.....

i felt sorry for hubby his family didnt call him and he had to do the calling...ive posted on other peples threads where they were having famly issues...my inlaws are terrible...the are mad at my hubby for trying to find biological family and they are dangerous pepole...he trys to keep peace as much as possible...because they know the people who run the city government agencies etc. in the small town they live..and at least one sibling has boasted knowing certain people who could make peoples lives hell so to speak....they live constatnly on each other when they are mad at one another...and now that they are mad at hubby we worry they might try to spread lies on us or worse our kids...they could call their colleges and say they are making bombs or stealing or anything...they have started rumours that each other steal to get fired...cheat on spouse etc...they are dangerous..at least we live away from them...

i dont know..maybe im so sensitive i just over worry...at least i hope i am over worrying...i just always feel like gloom and doom around the corner...always liek a black cloud over my head...im overwhelmed trying to find a new psych doctor theold one has tried many medications and i always have side effects and hes said hes pretty much done all he can think of..im one medicatiosn but still very depressed...and conselour suggested i find new psych doctor..but as i saaid i get overwhlemed so easlily its a huge huge deal for me to find a new doctor and one that i can drive to...etc...i feel like im having a breakdown...all i do is cry....im crying writing this...worried over the pepole comeing to estamiate the pluming..worrying over takeing kids to their appointments...i just feel so overwhelmed and crazy and alone...

why does it have to be like this...i use to be so different so in control doing a mlllion things at once...now i feel like everythign has and is crumbling down as usual...how can someone go from being so active and to what i am now???

sorry just needed to vent feel like so much going on...so scared...and alone

Comments

Hi, hatt, very sorry to hear of your problems and also that they are upsetting you so much. By the time you read this, you've probably already taken your child to the doctor. Was it as hard as you thought it would be? Did it work out all right? I hope it did. Sorry I can't help with your problems. All I can suggest is to do what I do. I look at my earlier fears about going out to do something and then at the way things actually turned out and plan how to approach the task better next time. It's the best way I know to bring my panic levels down and under my control.

Good luck, Lynne
 
thank you for you kind post...the appointment went ok...it was very long but i stayed out in car...and it was eye check yearly...so it wasnt as bad as i thoguht...i did start to have panic attack and i know this will make me sound more crazy than i already do..but i was surrounded in this tiny undersized parking lot...by huge suv's and those giant trucks...everyone seems to always park all around me with those tanks! i coulndt see anything but straight ahead and i was praying they would all leave by time the appointment was finished so i wouldnt have to worry over pulling backwards...it really is one of the most tiny parking lots ive seen.....and my prayers come true and they moved so i was able to back out and my daughter helped direct me so that helped alot...

two appointments down....got another coming up for dentist..oh i hate going to dentist....but it has to be done...im just so easily overwhelmed...its funny you never no what someone is going through when you see them out and about in stores or on street...i try to smile and look happy and the whole time im panicing over the traffic...the crowds..the pain the exhaustion....
 
The fact is that this illness, probably like all illnesses but even more so, makes us very sensitive. If you recognize it as one of the symptoms of your illness, you will realize that it's not your fault at all. You deserve credit for what you do accomplish eventhough you are ill. As hard as it was for you, you DID take your children to their appointments. You have to try to shift your thinking to what you are accomplishing and less on what you can't do.
I know it's very hurtful not to be able to attend family social functions but, at least you have your immediate family around you and you have to keep faith and be hopeful that this is just a temporary situation. Things will get better. When you build things up in your mind, they become like big mountains that you feel you can never climb over them. Trying to take baby steps one at a time and giving yourself a pat on the back for what you do (even if ilittle), will shift your brain into a more positive way of thinking.
I hope that things calm down and that you gain some more strength both physically and emotionaly.
Feel better,
Nielk
 
Great advice Neilk.

Hurtingallthetime, I'm so sorry for the hard time you're having. I really understand what you mean about everyone being together at the holidays. This has been a hard holiday season for me too and I can really relate. I hope you will find a doctor who can help with the depression issues. I have a really hard time finding new doctors and have trouble leaving the house so I understand how hard it is. I hope you will have some turnaround in things soon. I understand the feeling of being down when there are just so many challenges all the time. I'm thinking of you!
 
Sounds like you are very overwhelmed, that easily happens with this illness.

"...i wasnt going to look at the pictures but my hubby had on his computer thing and just said look at showed them to me...he wasnt being mean..he didnt know i was trying to avoid looking he just thought i ddint know she had sent and was showing them to me.."

You say you feel alone and I wonder if you need to share more with your husband about your feelings on things.. maybe that would help you not to feel so alone if you could connect to him stronger.
He obviously had no idea at all over your feelings over missing out on the family gathering and how much that was affecting you so you were alone with all your feelings which probably would add to all the alone feelings.

I do that avoidance thing too if Im being completely overwhelmed by things, to try to bring things down to a more handable level. I understand that missing family thing, I often miss family gatherings and used to cry due to it.

Best luck in finding a new doctor (or maybe you rather need a new counsellor if you have tried all the meds. I have one who is a great emotional support for me).
 

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