Extreme Highs and Low Lows / Nocturnal Ambitions / Infected

October 21st, 2021 - 1133pm

Nurses Unmasked

Perhaps I am making slight progress socializing the nurses. I have two regulars regularly coming in here, casually removing their masks as they relate.. making sure I am seeing them, making sure that I am catching a glimpse (before putting their masks back on).. which makes sense. They can see me (probably way too much of me, at that!).

Or they arrive for their duty shift, hair down, before putting it up in a bun, or some kind of ponytail configuration while in front of me in my room. And each is physically touching me more often, as well, adding appropriate emphasis to their words spoken. It's appreciated. I like when people touch my toes. Wiggle wiggle. Makes me bodily aware. More present.

So, perhaps they are reading my blog? It's as though something clicked in the past couple of days with each. The conversations aren't particularly involved. Superficial stuff. Small talking. Matters of facts. A 30-second synopsis. Then gone they go.

Physical Therapist Dos

She interacted with me, too… in the afternoon, when I was seriously down in the dumps. Good timing. It was instructional talk, but it was also me getting out of my head.

Oh. And at long last, I may shower soon.

A Depressed State (Arizona)

Wow. There I was, fairly high on life (deep slow breathing, muscles making very nice), then a sudden sinking crazy super low seventy billion leagues under the sea sensation takes command. Rebound slightly, into some music making. "Nursing Drone Home" is the working title. Then without warning, my brain trips me up. Stumble. Stumble. Crushingly sad.

This is NOT normal for me.

Is what I think I am experiencing real?
Can someone bound about like this, extreme to extreme? It doesn't seem possible.

Much Later

Sleep undertaken, 'round about midnight

But 45-minutes later… I am awake. The nurse is in the room. All the lights are on. She and Jeff are discussing the Rocky Horror Picture Show, while she is emptying some pouch of his. Then Jeff asks for more chocolate milk. She says something about white milk.

Earlier in the day Jeff admitted that he loves being waited on, adding.... "Waitresses. Really, that's what they are, waitresses here to serve us."

I tell him that I hate asking for help.. hate imposing.

Because I am tired, and it's now past one o'clock in the morning, I pull both of my sheets up, covering my head.. which is already covered by the bandana over my eyes (earplugs and earmuffs already affixed). But that's not nearly enough.

Oops, my bare ass is showing, but f*** them and everybody else. I am absolutely sick of this crap.

217am - Barnyard Game. Lights still on, full spread. Moo goes the cow. Cock-a-doodle-do goes the chicken.

Then, I must have dozed off - YAY!

415 - The 100-year-old lady be shoutin' out loud 'bout nothin'

426 - The Help Guy is having a mel-mel-mel-meltdown. Yes. He stammers. Poor fella

Is there a full moon?

433am - Glory be, the nurse happens to come in. Why not?

WARNING: course language, anger, and other nonsense

"How the f**** are you?" I ask. And, liking the sound of that, I raise my voice several more notches, until I am f****** nearly shouting about this and that… complaining that I cannot sleep because the lights AREN'T f***** on anymore (Jeff takes the hint, turns the lights back on… asks what all of the f***** yelling is about). Then I ask her for some f****** heroin to shoot up, or some morphine… so I can overdose, go to heaven.

*I only tried heroin once, when I was 18. Snorted it. This pusher acquaintance named "Egg" was wanting to get me hooked. But I was mostly living in my car at the time, and had more important things on my agenda.

My nurse asks if I want to talk to the psychiatrist, and I tell her I don't. I tell her I want to smash everything in this f****** room instead. Which is okay, because I am paying for it anyway… or the state is. Hell, someone is going to pay, I tell her.

"Where's Clem Fandango? Yes, Clem… I can hear you, Clem Fandango!"

The nurse continues saying things, but I'm not listening, and neither is she. I mention Mogadishu. Hans Christian Andersen. Chernobyl. Bhopal, India. The plot to overthrow the cut-off man. The time Katie Palmer dumped me on graduation night, back in 8th grade.

Another staff member comes into the room. He asks what's going on. So I explain to him what's going on, then I ask him for hard drugs. Or hard candy. A self-addressed stamped envelope. And an ice cold chicken sandwich. No mayonnaise.

He's visibly perplexed.

Across the way, the Help Guy loudly asks for help again. Says something about falling in or out of bed. He's moaning and groaning.

Then there's Jeff. He is snoring again. Fast asleep. Lights on. But sure, he's heavily medicated.

Meanwhile, I want to do bad things, but I am stuck in bed. I am always stuck in bed. I'd rather be Stuck Mojo. The band. Yes. That was the name of the band. My best friend Eric and I saw them perform in Mesa, Arizona back in '97.

Eric died nine years ago. Drove off of an overpass. Died instantly. I was too sick with this undiagnosed illness to attend the funeral.

7:47am

I slept for another hour. That makes three (point six-six). Feeling a lot better. Halfway relaxed.

H



P.S. 8:13am - Doctors came on first thing… said they had to talk to me about my UA/ultrasound results. Nice. Ugh.

They said I have an infection (kidney and/or bladder) and a possible blockage (had ultrasound Monday). Require CT scan, seven days IV fluids, and heavy antibiotics (which freaks me out). They said they would try to treat me here, versus the hospital.

If the antibiotics don't kill me, perhaps I'll feel better (overall) after this.


*Morning Dream - I was in some sort of group home, and I had slightly greater mobility. And there was this nurse, bright eyed, alive, quietly engaged.. and she came to lay next to me on the living room floor (while the other residents were watching television). I got a good sense from her, so I asked if I could hold her hand.. and she allowed me to intertwine my fingers with hers, bringing my hand towards her heart.

It was very nice. Calming. Reassuring. I no longer felt alone.

Note: I am not normally like this, so please don't spread the word/get the wrong idea. Hand-holding is for fifth graders!


P.S. #2 - 9:44am - HOLY CRAP!!!!

After further review, the UA and other related test results were for my roommate. NOT me! They mixed us up, again. He requires the IV and all the rest of that jazz. And my weird kidney/bladder symptoms seemed to have resolved on their own. Yes. My hypervigilant immune system rides again.

Oh, and perhaps as part of a trade-off (having nearly botched the UA's), they are going to write a referral for a neurologist (at Barrow.. insurance allowing), so that I may get a muscle biopsy at long last!

New Invented Word for the Day -
Hypervigilante

Comments

Is hyper vigilante, Spanish?

You do have a sharpie pen, right? to write: I AM NOT JEFF....across your chest or something?

I'm supposed to get my Spanish happening, but I prefer the idea that my little grandaughter, will be serving that role. So at 2 and a half, mostly she is good at Sign Language. Self taught. Este Este. Mira Mira.

How can the nurses read your blog?

In fact, who Can read this blog?

So glad you still have your kidneys, not exchanged with Jeff.

You seem to describe that you fought back using new skills gained there at The Facility. 4:33 am. UNDERSTANDABLE, I think.

So this happened to me: I was wide wake here, at 3:33 am thru 5:33 am.

WIDE AWAKE. Was I over there in the room with Jeff, only I'm in the Pacific Time Zone?

This hasn't; happened in months. Wide awake like that, I should have started my new project, entitled Small Mammal Herbivory...

Did you know that a rat, a real brown Norway roof rat, got into our downstairs, would not leave and came up to sample my husband's toe. He slept thru it. I didn't.

It came back the next night. I felt it land o n the bed. A multi day war was fought to evict this rat.

We like the native wood rats. Cute, fun, playful, creative. They don't dine on toes.

No wonder my mother would never set foot in New York City, 1931, ever again.

***
Toes- connect to everything in the body, just take my expert word for it (been cured, via toes). (That guy died, darn it, come back here to fix me please My Original Miracle Fixer).

If I can manage to get clean, I somewhat beg my husband to "pull my toes"...they just long for it. I can get that much out of him, usually.

(my husband's hands don't really work right anymore, so its OK).

A whole healing method uses the channel beneath the toes, and is done in Indonesia. Cured, Anthony Bourdain.

So the touch- its real, its real medicine. And trained nurses know this. They know alot of things. Wise women, sometimes men, but often, very wise women. Women know how to take in a whole lot of things, with a glance.

Never underestimate it.

Enjoy. And enjoy holding hands.
 
HI Howard....

I tuned into BURN NOTICE-it wasn't on Netflix. On amazon.

We rather enjoyed it. The first episode. its funny, tongue in cheek, light hearted etc.

James Bond does not get a Burn Notice. (laugh) Nor does he run out of money, nor does he move in above the whore house.

Miami is so bright. Thats my main issues, Bright and Busy.

So thanks for the recommendation! Hubby may be willing to stay awake thru another Episode!

Rufous
 
So glad you still have your kidneys, not exchanged with Jeff.
Yeah, that was a close one. I had no reason to believe that the doctors were taking actions based upon the wrong person's test results. So then Jeff became concerned, because he doesn't have any infection symptoms or kidney pain whatsoever.. not like I did. Cross fingers -

"Burn Notice" is more of a guys kind of show, but I hope one or both of you like it. It's also not particularly mentally fatiguing.

Oh, and I am no longer angry now. It takes all kinds of energy to maintain that level of unbridled frustration. Not sleeping though... makes things rough.

So the touch- its real, its real medicine. And trained nurses know this. They know alot of things.
Yes, I am thrilled that they were touching my feet. I made my mom do the same thing when she visited a while ago.
 
@Howard

I have been sitting here, for 10 mins or so, trying to process what I've just read and think of something, anything, supportive to say to you amongst the absurdity of your current living situation and medical care.

All I can think of is:

Holy. F*cking. Shit.
 
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Yes, I am thrilled that they were touching my feet. I made my mom do the same thing when she visited a while ago.
so it figures my husband just freaks out if I touch his feet, his toes. Exact opposite reaction.

I know how to punish him immediately, grab a toe.

"Burn Notice" is more of a guys kind of show, but I hope one or both of you like it. It's also not particularly mentally fatiguing.
Yeah- it had Guy Energy happening. Action. I recall Miami Vice. My era. Same VERY BRIGHT place. Lots of jet boats (I imagine we will go boating?).

I'll like swamps. And if any alligators show up, I'll like that, or mangroves.

I suppose I should figure out more about the main actor...who seems vaguely familiar.....

All I can think of is:

Holy. F*cking. Shit.
And yes: THAT
 
I have been sitting here, for 10 mins or so, trying to process what I've just read and think of something, anything, supportive to say to you amongst the absurdity of your current living situation and medical care.
my mom was in a place for 18 years. I sort of have some advanced degree in - my parents put themselves into this place. And they were very happy there. And it was really a nice place, the grounds, visiting there. I visited fairly often, I grew really fond of "the place". It had a whole range of levels of care. That type.

so darn it would be nice to get past this moment to a bit more normal functioning, for EVERYONE everywhere.
 
In response to the Depressed state (Arizona) paragraph.

Howard, you mentioned about the extremes and if it is possible for that to happen. YES IT IS POSSIBLE. It happens to me and every time it does, It doesn't feel real. How can my mental state go from feeling pretty good to feeling like I'm in the abyss? I DON"T KNOW! I remember another member of PR mentioning it happening to her also.

Hopefully you don't experience that very often.
 
I have been sitting here, for 10 mins or so, trying to process what I've just read and think of something, anything, supportive to say to you amongst the absurdity of your current living situation and medical care.

All I can think of is:

Holy. F*cking. Shit.
You took the words right out of my mouth!
 
Well @Howard.......You may get your toes wriggled more often IF you ask for a podiatrist to make a personal visit to you. Generally speaking they visit nursing homes once/wk. or so, but again...you have to ask.

I'm glad the doctors figured out your kidney/bladder problems. So IV fluids, and antibiotics....and no sleep to speak of. No wonder you're in a bad mood when it seems that you may be averaging 2-2-1/2 hrs. of sleep per day. And Jeff....truly, you'd better have a man-to-man chat with that guy. If nothing else, he can turn his damn animal sounds off at night. Heck, let you have it and play the game for him....then he may appreciate your dilemma.

Hand holding for fifth graders. Sure, it may have been a dream, but as I recall in 5th grade I didn't have breasts. Still, enjoy the marshmallow-like softness and the beating of someone's heart whether it's a dream or not. It's comforting, I'm sure. I can remember my grandmother and feeling that way. Safety, warmth and another human being.

I really don't know what you can do about the noise level around there...ask about an empty room? It's the weekend and usually they clear people out if at all possible. And again, talk to Jeff, have the nurse talk to Jeff (and tell them he thinks they're waitresses, don't hold back) and ask for a DO NOT DISTURB sign for the door. You may also ask for an extra sheet to cover your behind....more dignity and all that, you know!

Somehow, you have to keep good 'ol Jeff awake during the daytime. An upper in his pudding....anything you can think of. And what's with him and The Rocky Horror Picture Show at his age? Isn't it about time for him to outgrow it, or does he really like Susan Sarandon?

It's the weekend again. They're always special in one way or another. I hope Jeff will be able to leave the room soon....something to look forward to. Lock the door behind him. We'll pay for installation. Yours, Lenora.
 

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