A few years ago, under strange circumstances, i met my current therapist, via my bedroom obviously. My husband was adamant as were other family members that i receive, yet more, therapy. Why? Because they want me fixed. And since they view this as largely a remainder of psychological issues, this was their ultimatum. I wasn't against it. I just had very little life force and 2020 was the summer i was very close to death, which i write a little about in another blog. Talking for long wasn't possible or smart to keep attempting. A strange turn of events happened between him contacting my husband and them working out a plan and due to introducing the transdermal vitamins...i was able to have 6 short 15-25 minute sessions with him that fall and winter. He said he couldn't forget my case and wanted to see what we could do now that i had the ability to talk a bit. Hence why he contacted my husband. So, my husband and psychologist mother in law paid him for 6 sessions (without my knowledge) and i was notified. I had very little choice. So, i was a bit perturbed initially. I was cooperative but eager for the sessions to be over. I've already explored my luggage many times over the years, unpacked it and neatly folded it in as many ways as i could find. I even tried getting new suitcases to carry it, change the color... so, i needed a cure, not therapy anymore at this particular point, i felt.

Yet, my organs were in really rough shape, i was never guaranteed a new day i felt at this point. Suffering was immense. All of a sudden in one session, instead of counting down the minutes, he opened me up. Why? Because he listened to me and validated me. It was simple. He gained my trust. And hes been an incredibly helpful part of my journey since 2020. Despite the fact that 3 months in my family began complaining i needed yet a new therapist because i wasn't cured :( Their main and very unrealistic goal. But i was making small amounts of progress and he saw and felt this too. He offered to do this pro bono for sometime, so it wasn't a matter of him just wanting a paycheck. There was deep healing work happening. One of the things that he began introducing me to, via somatic therapy, was Internal Family Systems Therapy. I thought i had tried everything. I thought i had worked through most past things and not much could be done about the daily trauma i experience. Part of it is him, he just has this down to an art form and knows when to put pressure on the pedal and then when to retreat. When to listen, when to add. A large part of it though, was this model of therapy. I will not go into the details of it here extensively. There is much on it on the inter of net. The concept is simple. We are whole. We have many parts of us. Each and every day. Not in a multiple personality concept but in a way that allows our brain to compartmentalize life. Make things digestible. A part of us develops to navigate our work life and our parental life and parts of us existed to handle certain difficult situations. Some that we may have repressed or forgot about to move onto more stable waters in life.

So, he began me on this journey of realizing things, i had never realized and holding my hand through emotions that were incredibly difficult to process at times. I met parts of myself i didn't realize were still active. He taught me how to befriend them. But better yet he taught me how to listen to them. For instance, if we were in a session and a traumatic memory was surfacing and the productive part of me was like we are going to do this, lets go here and process it but if that 14 or 15 or 17 year old part of me wasn't ready to that day, he taught me how to be tender and loving to her. I began feeling these parts and after some time i could navigate them (mostly) without his assistance as much.

Everything is energy. Feelings and emotions are really just energy. Sometimes trapped energy becomes blocked and just wants to be felt so it can dissolve like a muscle knot. Because....that is the order of the universe. Think of a stagnant pond, as a troubled mind, thoughts fester easier and can go down old troublesome pathways easier. But, when you unclog the stream which flows into it little by little, that energy already knows how to clear and balance on its own. It doesn't mean those certain memories or traumas or feelings will not come visit you again, they will. Expect that. It is now on our template but when the whole of us listens to these individual parts, it can become, for me, easier to navigate. Not flawless. Not painless. But....lighter.

I do not feel we all need therapy. That is not my intent here. We each have different lives and experiences. I do feel this concept should be taught to us from a young age so we can potentially navigate the world of feelings and emotions with more ease. We really are not given an emotional education in this country. Its more so a trauma based model of treat after things happen. But what if we could prevent some stagnant ponds from forming in our brains? what if we were given tools at a young age to let these waters breathe?

I am a huge proponent of less dependence on a treatment obsesssed society that has the most sick people mentally and physically it ever has. Treatments, treatments everywhere. Also, i feel like part of humanity's new era is not only interdependence but self sufficiency moreso. Its ok to need help. We are beings designed to need one another. I do feel we have internal navigating systems that have largely been shut off and great treasures await us when we have this realization. We, as a species, have continuously handed our power away for so many years. Hence, why i decided to share part of my journey today through my own abyss. Maybe it will help someone, maybe it won't but either way, there is much to gain in promoting emotional intelligence and integration.

Here is a bit more about the therapy:

Also, here is a resource for online therapy options:

Annnd a song. Because i like songs. And, i really, really like this song. Echoes seems fitting for exploring our psyche.

'Overhead the albatross
Hangs motionless upon the air
And deep beneath the rolling waves
In labyrinths of coral caves
The echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand
And everything is green and submarine

And no one showed us to the land
And no one knows the where's or why's
But something stirs and something tries
And starts to climb toward the light

Strangers passing in the street
By chance, two separate glances meet
And I am you and what I see is me
And do I take you by the hand
And lead you through the land
And help me understand the best I can?

And no one calls us to move on
And no one forces down our eyes
No one speaks and no one tries
No one flies around the sun

Cloudless everyday
You fall upon my waking eyes
Inviting and inciting me to rise
And through the window in the wall
Come streaming in on sunlight wings
A million bright ambassadors of morning

And no one sings me lullabies
And no one makes me close my eyes
So I throw the windows wide
And call to you across the sky'

happy new year:star:


Happy New Year to you also @sunshine44. Like me, I don't expect that you'll be going out this evening. I don't know where people used to get the energy (or the money!). Now we don't bother celebrating at midnight anyway....we'll hopefully be asleep by then.

But yes, another year and to me they go faster than ever. I'm glad your therapist was a good one....many are, and have thoughts to offer. I still go if and when needed. Since she's my age, it's a matter of seeing who will be the last man standing. I don't like that and have lost my favorite Dr. and two others this year. So I'm starting again....not great.

I hope you'll be able to spend the evening with your children, or is your son going out into the world? Really, we don't have them for long, do we? I'm sure your daughter will be home and will enjoy the evening with you.

A very Happy New Year, if not a better one for you. We begin again.
Yours, Lenora:heart::balloons::balloons:

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