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Disjointed forms from the abyss

Scattered thoughts and streams of tormented lyrical consciousness...

Days and nights of suffering taking new disguises. I know nothing of your joy normies, a good day for me is when I don´t feel my face beaten up or hives eat my skin and can walk around and throw smiles at the credulous public. Smiling is cheap.

Self pity is like an spontaneous occurrence when you are gifted with Autism and then autoimmunity-n shit. The alienation is almost complete when these things ally.

Yes I remember those days when my head wasn´t stuffed with goo. I lived in another Universe then, but the bottomless pit was opening its mouth already. Part of the Paradise charm lies in ignoring the amazing potential of pain. I do not endorse the thesis that the people in Heaven enjoy looking at the tormented ones, they´d rather ignore or misdiagnose them. Its your fault cuz your weak.

A sick man told another via email:

An strong multi. I wouldn´t expect drastic improvements from it.
Anyway the fight continues. Keep reading studies, doing the doctor´s work, and scanning forums like is my job.
Sad life.
I might kill myself any of these days lol
I said lol because I found funny thinking about wanting to keep up the fight when at the same time every day I feel more suicidal.
Oh well, you know I believe in the afterlife so thats something.


Heavy constricted head, bullied brain by antibodies crossing the BBB like nothing, a sad monstrosity agonizing in a realm full of life somewhat handsome despite all, muttering to himself an autistic song, yesterday I cycled furiously because some days I feel slightly alive and today I am met with sunken eyes and a swollen face of haggard qualities. I AM the sunken one, but my will to fight is unquenchable fire. Bigger than life. Yes.

What happens with the doctors is surreal, its a dream, is not acceptable as a reality and thus an hallucination it is, no help, no compassion, no autoimmune markers in blood that we had to pay privately just their angry voices when I mention that Baclofen is a GABA-B receptor agonist which I´d like to try for sleep, how dare you little fucker I am a psychiatrist I know none of those things, none of that GABA bullshit pertains to me, keep your nonsense to yourself, you somatic semi-comatose monkey, and I told him that doctors are shit right off the bat yes that was slightly satisfactory but he acted like I wasn´t including him -yes is unfortunate how many incompetents are. And what to make of the 2013 ENDOCRINOLOGIST that reacted the exact same way when I asked about DHEA, funny guy told me that some old people take that or so have he heard but other than that what kind of crap are you reading on the internet somatic monkey. Ha ha ha doctors.

Comments

Hi Beyond. I followed you here from your PANDAS thread. And see that I have pages of interesting writing from you. :) I can barely remember living in a world when my head wasn't stuffed with good. I look forward to reading your blogs. Your ability to articulate and to research are a gift to us here at pr. cheers, ahmo
 
Sorry for the negativity ahmo, thanks for being supportive despite it. Some people choose to beat the beaten because they dislike the "ugly things". See my blog as an outlet for my ugly thoughts, although I try to write only when I feel inspired so its dark and yet entertaining...
 
Hi beyond I like your language, evocative of a place I hope that I will not have to visit again, beyond explanation or understanding more fundamental than thought more like taste or smell.
I think of that time with a poisoned brain so glad to be back, sort of, learning how to fit in again and yet ......

Would I wish to unlearn this, hell yes. Best wishes
 

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