There is a buzz of chatter, laughter and joy seem all around, but I just feel so isolated, unable to express myself, I just sit there while dark thoughts circle, I hate being shy and I hate being tired all the time. I leave with this empty feeling of despair in my stomach, just wanting to cry, but unable to. I hate this so much right now, my life feels empty, university is becoming a real struggle, and I am really doubting my ability to make it through the next term.
I pushed myself to go to a society meet-up, but no one wanted to come with me, so I went alone, and it didn’t go very well. I tried but I didn’t feel part of the event, being in those situations have a tendency to bring about my darkest thoughts because it brutally exposes how much I struggle to socialize, especially when I am not on top of things.
This follows on from a previous night when I went to a quiz with a few friends, one person I sort of know and someone I didn’t know, and I ended up barely saying a word. It just feels so debilitating, it is one thing to feel tired, but something else when it completely prevents you from functioning in a social situation, which is fast becoming the norm at the moment.
My immediate thought process is to completely isolate myself, not talk to anyone and avoid my friends, not that I have got many. I would just be better off disappearing, but I know this won’t help and I understand this response is based on my childhood relationship with my brother. Right now I just need to wallow, and tomorrow things might be better. God I feel rubbish!
I was shy throughout my childhood, and only really got a glimpse of my social ability a couple of years ago, when I found some confidence and energy, before stress and tension headaches through me off course. So I am use to being shy and isolated, I did have one really good friend, but that ended badly a few years ago, bringing about a relapse with my CFS, one in which I have never truly recovered from. I still miss her, and miss the positive impact she had on my health, the grief and sadness is still there.
I pushed myself to go to a society meet-up, but no one wanted to come with me, so I went alone, and it didn’t go very well. I tried but I didn’t feel part of the event, being in those situations have a tendency to bring about my darkest thoughts because it brutally exposes how much I struggle to socialize, especially when I am not on top of things.
This follows on from a previous night when I went to a quiz with a few friends, one person I sort of know and someone I didn’t know, and I ended up barely saying a word. It just feels so debilitating, it is one thing to feel tired, but something else when it completely prevents you from functioning in a social situation, which is fast becoming the norm at the moment.
My immediate thought process is to completely isolate myself, not talk to anyone and avoid my friends, not that I have got many. I would just be better off disappearing, but I know this won’t help and I understand this response is based on my childhood relationship with my brother. Right now I just need to wallow, and tomorrow things might be better. God I feel rubbish!
I was shy throughout my childhood, and only really got a glimpse of my social ability a couple of years ago, when I found some confidence and energy, before stress and tension headaches through me off course. So I am use to being shy and isolated, I did have one really good friend, but that ended badly a few years ago, bringing about a relapse with my CFS, one in which I have never truly recovered from. I still miss her, and miss the positive impact she had on my health, the grief and sadness is still there.
