Do you ever feel alone, even when you are with a crowd of people? I feel that way so much now. No one understands.
My friend and her daughter picked me up for dinner tonight. And her sister in law joined us, but even so, I felt alone. Totally and utterly alone. None of them were in the amount of pain I was in. None of them understood how hard it was for me to be in that restaurant with all the cognitive problems I've got. They really just don't get it that I really am that sick.
There's a difference between sadness and depression. I'm very sad. Everytime I go out, I see all the people in the real world doing normal things that I can never do. I can barely move with the amount of pain I'm in now. Anything I do, I pay in spades for it and it's never, ever worth it.
Alot of things have been happening lately that just make me want to cry. And worse. I don't know how much longer I can do this. And the people here, where I live, they aren't nice to me. None of them have this disease, and since I don't look sick, they think I'm being stuck up for not socializing or whatever. I'm too sick.
I haven't been well enough to live in the real world for a very long time. And it's so cruel when I do go out and I am faced with what the real world is, knowing I am no longer a part of it. The sad truth is, you wouldn't keep a pet in the state I am in.
I feel like this dead thing that people keep trying to get moving, but it doesn't work. You might as well be dragging a corpse around. You can't take something dead and make it work, it doesn't work.
They took me out tonight because they feel sorry for me. The few who know I'm sick do. Well, that just makes it all the worse. Because I'm someone people feel sorry for. The sad, pitiful person. Makes me wish I was dead. Death would be preferable to all this.
The truth is, I don't want to be here anymore, in a world I cannot participate in. And it's getting harder for me to stay. The only reason I have left is my cat. Beyond that, there is no other reason for me to stay on this planet. Everything is gone.
I have no other place to speak of these things. But this is what's going on with me right now. I've had this disease for nineteen years. And I've really had enough. Watching each piece of my life being ripped away, until it's all gone, nothing left.
I'm all out of tomorrows, the sun will come out tomorrow, tomorrow is another day, yeah, whatever. Each tomorrow is filled with just as much pain and suffering as all the others. I want it over, one way or the other, I want this over. I'm tired of the pity from the few that know me. I'm tired of being judged. I'm tired of not being understood and people being mean to me. I'm tired of being in pain and hell every day. There has to come a point where enough is enough. If I'm not allowed to participate in the world, then just let me go. But don't keep me here like this. It goes beyond cruel and unusual punishment.
My friend and her daughter picked me up for dinner tonight. And her sister in law joined us, but even so, I felt alone. Totally and utterly alone. None of them were in the amount of pain I was in. None of them understood how hard it was for me to be in that restaurant with all the cognitive problems I've got. They really just don't get it that I really am that sick.
There's a difference between sadness and depression. I'm very sad. Everytime I go out, I see all the people in the real world doing normal things that I can never do. I can barely move with the amount of pain I'm in now. Anything I do, I pay in spades for it and it's never, ever worth it.
Alot of things have been happening lately that just make me want to cry. And worse. I don't know how much longer I can do this. And the people here, where I live, they aren't nice to me. None of them have this disease, and since I don't look sick, they think I'm being stuck up for not socializing or whatever. I'm too sick.
I haven't been well enough to live in the real world for a very long time. And it's so cruel when I do go out and I am faced with what the real world is, knowing I am no longer a part of it. The sad truth is, you wouldn't keep a pet in the state I am in.
I feel like this dead thing that people keep trying to get moving, but it doesn't work. You might as well be dragging a corpse around. You can't take something dead and make it work, it doesn't work.
They took me out tonight because they feel sorry for me. The few who know I'm sick do. Well, that just makes it all the worse. Because I'm someone people feel sorry for. The sad, pitiful person. Makes me wish I was dead. Death would be preferable to all this.
The truth is, I don't want to be here anymore, in a world I cannot participate in. And it's getting harder for me to stay. The only reason I have left is my cat. Beyond that, there is no other reason for me to stay on this planet. Everything is gone.
I have no other place to speak of these things. But this is what's going on with me right now. I've had this disease for nineteen years. And I've really had enough. Watching each piece of my life being ripped away, until it's all gone, nothing left.
I'm all out of tomorrows, the sun will come out tomorrow, tomorrow is another day, yeah, whatever. Each tomorrow is filled with just as much pain and suffering as all the others. I want it over, one way or the other, I want this over. I'm tired of the pity from the few that know me. I'm tired of being judged. I'm tired of not being understood and people being mean to me. I'm tired of being in pain and hell every day. There has to come a point where enough is enough. If I'm not allowed to participate in the world, then just let me go. But don't keep me here like this. It goes beyond cruel and unusual punishment.