Judge Solomon : Next. Can we have the defending counsel Bill Bribery representing Sir Simon Perjury
against prosecuting counsel Quilp representing Phoenix Rising. All Rise……..
Quilp : Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury an independent review carried out by Lord Malpractice has shown that the benefits of PACE are far more reaching than anyone could have predicted.
Sir Simon you have recently published a polemic suggesting that death can be cured with a course of CBT and GET.
Simon : We looked at over one hundred unresponsive horizontals and found a marked difference in their postures after tailored therapies outlined in the study. Of course the results varied according to individual circumstances. What PACE clearly showed was that……
Quilp : ‘‘INDIVIDUAL CIRCUMSTANCES’’ ? Dead is dead surely ? Are you suggesting that false illness beliefs are intrinsically linked to rigor mortis ?
Simon : Although there may have been an organic trigger for these deaths, we believe that these deaths are perpetuated by an unwillingness to move.
Quilp : But they are dead, surely ? Dead, no pulse, no longer breathing; to quote John Cleese, ‘‘it is no more. It has ceased to be.’’
Simon : Take my colleague Frank Stein. He died in 1923. He was one of my first patients. The perpendicular ponce they called him - because he never moved.
A course of CBT followed by GET, and by degrees he began to straighten up. Does he not move ? Does he not speak ?
Quilp : How was this achieved ?
Simon : We tailored an individual treatment program ( PACE ) based on his needs with sound clinical judgements using various techniques at our disposal.
Quilp : BUT HE WAS DEAD !
Another member of your group, a man called Allan Fraud has said that he believes these techniques have wider implications. Could you elaborate ?
Simon : Yes we believe that in some infectious diseases the host ( the human being ) is taken hostage by a virus. For example HIV. Using our techniques we can, with CBT, talk the virus into giving itself up.
Quilp : Yes, Peter Embezzlement, another of your colleagues said that the virus might even be seen under a microscope coming out of the mitochondria with its hands on its head.
Simon : That’s right.
Quilp : And your closest confidant, Lady Liar has said that within one year GET will be a standard treatment for amputees. That limbs can be grown back by exercising.
Simon : Yes
Quilp And your brother- in- law Sir Balderdash Bollocks said that GET and CBT carried out at exactly the same time with no-one watching or checking, can cure cancer, and every other disease.
Simon : Yes
Quilp And Lord Monet Launderer said that ME patients who have raised legitimate concerns are erroneously labeled as being vexatious and have militant fancies etc etc etc
Simon : Yes.
Quilp : And you still say that PACE was vigorously carried out and that its findings are robust ?
Simon Yes
Quilp No further questions your honour………. …
Nobody has the right not to be offended.
against prosecuting counsel Quilp representing Phoenix Rising. All Rise……..
Quilp : Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury an independent review carried out by Lord Malpractice has shown that the benefits of PACE are far more reaching than anyone could have predicted.
Sir Simon you have recently published a polemic suggesting that death can be cured with a course of CBT and GET.
Simon : We looked at over one hundred unresponsive horizontals and found a marked difference in their postures after tailored therapies outlined in the study. Of course the results varied according to individual circumstances. What PACE clearly showed was that……
Quilp : ‘‘INDIVIDUAL CIRCUMSTANCES’’ ? Dead is dead surely ? Are you suggesting that false illness beliefs are intrinsically linked to rigor mortis ?
Simon : Although there may have been an organic trigger for these deaths, we believe that these deaths are perpetuated by an unwillingness to move.
Quilp : But they are dead, surely ? Dead, no pulse, no longer breathing; to quote John Cleese, ‘‘it is no more. It has ceased to be.’’
Simon : Take my colleague Frank Stein. He died in 1923. He was one of my first patients. The perpendicular ponce they called him - because he never moved.
A course of CBT followed by GET, and by degrees he began to straighten up. Does he not move ? Does he not speak ?
Quilp : How was this achieved ?
Simon : We tailored an individual treatment program ( PACE ) based on his needs with sound clinical judgements using various techniques at our disposal.
Quilp : BUT HE WAS DEAD !
Another member of your group, a man called Allan Fraud has said that he believes these techniques have wider implications. Could you elaborate ?
Simon : Yes we believe that in some infectious diseases the host ( the human being ) is taken hostage by a virus. For example HIV. Using our techniques we can, with CBT, talk the virus into giving itself up.
Quilp : Yes, Peter Embezzlement, another of your colleagues said that the virus might even be seen under a microscope coming out of the mitochondria with its hands on its head.
Simon : That’s right.
Quilp : And your closest confidant, Lady Liar has said that within one year GET will be a standard treatment for amputees. That limbs can be grown back by exercising.
Simon : Yes
Quilp And your brother- in- law Sir Balderdash Bollocks said that GET and CBT carried out at exactly the same time with no-one watching or checking, can cure cancer, and every other disease.
Simon : Yes
Quilp And Lord Monet Launderer said that ME patients who have raised legitimate concerns are erroneously labeled as being vexatious and have militant fancies etc etc etc
Simon : Yes.
Quilp : And you still say that PACE was vigorously carried out and that its findings are robust ?
Simon Yes
Quilp No further questions your honour………. …
Nobody has the right not to be offended.
