I find myself at a strange crossroads of sorts. A choice between 'Keep doing what I'm doing ', and 'Changing my life completely'. I keep toeing into the foreign territory, but the gripping anxiety and unease has me wavering. It is hard when dealing with an illness to change yourself. It takes so much effort, and, I'm sure anyone that is reading this understands, I don't have a lot to put into said 'effort'. Still, I find a fire has lit itself in my core, and I am desperate to keep it fanned. I'm a serial 'I will TOTALLY pick this back up eventually' type of person, with a long string of half-complete things left in my wake. From learning every sports known to man when I wasn't ill, to violin, to leather working, to 5 different languages..Everything I have ever done reaches about 60% completion before I become utterly bored of it. Illness has not changed this.
I don't want to 60% complete this feeling I have. For once, I want to complete something, standing astride it, and say 'HA, I did it' with complete confidence.
But the thought of actually doing that nauseates me.
Still, i'll share my list in hopes that others can relate.
1. I want to be more socially inclined..I have built up walls after being sick for so long, and it is getting stifling.
2. I want to matter. I swear I am going to do something that leaves my fingerprints on something. Be it actually completing a book for once, or just doing something of note.
3. I am definitely going to pour myself into restarting University, even if I am frightened my mind can't take it..I am desperate to be back in school, if only to coddle myself into saying 'Well least I'm doing this'.
4. I will understand the inner workings of my mind.(I'm sure all that have mental illness on top of physical illness can relate to this. It is not a enjoyable combo).
5.I want to be surrounded by beautiful things.Keeping my house semi-picked up, with faux-flowers, and my dogs brushed and fluffy makes me feel less terrible. If I surround myself with lovely things, I don't feel so ucky.
And finally 6. I want to support people..Which is exceedingly hard for me because, to put it frankly, I suck with dealing with people. Dogs, Cats, horses, I can understand..People are harder, but I want to try. Past social normaties and dubious friendly conversations, I want to be someone to help a cause, be it a personal, or massive one.
I can say I am working towards some of those quite well. I volunteer at the animal shelter when able(Fundraise when I can't). I'm getting my books together for University online, and I have taken up therapy because having someone to rant to for an hour is IMMENSELY ...well..therapeutic.
Self-revolution is a peculiar thing..in that..How does one go about changing the definition of oneself on any level that isn't superficial? It seems to would be hard to change when you're cognitively aware of it..But people do it all the time. So I am going to attempt to same.
And not 60% of attempting this time.
I don't want to 60% complete this feeling I have. For once, I want to complete something, standing astride it, and say 'HA, I did it' with complete confidence.
But the thought of actually doing that nauseates me.
Still, i'll share my list in hopes that others can relate.
1. I want to be more socially inclined..I have built up walls after being sick for so long, and it is getting stifling.
2. I want to matter. I swear I am going to do something that leaves my fingerprints on something. Be it actually completing a book for once, or just doing something of note.
3. I am definitely going to pour myself into restarting University, even if I am frightened my mind can't take it..I am desperate to be back in school, if only to coddle myself into saying 'Well least I'm doing this'.
4. I will understand the inner workings of my mind.(I'm sure all that have mental illness on top of physical illness can relate to this. It is not a enjoyable combo).
5.I want to be surrounded by beautiful things.Keeping my house semi-picked up, with faux-flowers, and my dogs brushed and fluffy makes me feel less terrible. If I surround myself with lovely things, I don't feel so ucky.
And finally 6. I want to support people..Which is exceedingly hard for me because, to put it frankly, I suck with dealing with people. Dogs, Cats, horses, I can understand..People are harder, but I want to try. Past social normaties and dubious friendly conversations, I want to be someone to help a cause, be it a personal, or massive one.
I can say I am working towards some of those quite well. I volunteer at the animal shelter when able(Fundraise when I can't). I'm getting my books together for University online, and I have taken up therapy because having someone to rant to for an hour is IMMENSELY ...well..therapeutic.
Self-revolution is a peculiar thing..in that..How does one go about changing the definition of oneself on any level that isn't superficial? It seems to would be hard to change when you're cognitively aware of it..But people do it all the time. So I am going to attempt to same.
And not 60% of attempting this time.
