I want to start this out by saying I was never the type of person to ask for help..I'm still not..I don't concede to help unless I'm on the verge of passing out or dire straights, and I know that's bloody stupid of me, but such is just my personality..But..Even i have to concede that six years into this illness, I'm finding myself really, really, unable to cope.
I was used to having friends who messaged me a lot, I was used to going out with a boyfriend, or traveling with family..And now, six years later, Barely anyone contacts me, my family feels distant, but still loving..they just don't seem to have enough energy or time for me. My best friend, while supportive, makes more trouble for me than she helps(we live together), and I have no voice to anyone around me. I am finding myself without words. I speak, but somehow the words seemed gloss over all who they're directed to. I feel as if I've become a non-entity to all but my dogs. Trapped in the same four walls, only broken by grocery trips, or errand trips(always accompanied, because I can't drive), I feel like a child. A toddler that tugs at their sleeves desperate for someone to listen, but only met by 'yes yes dear, come along so we can hurry this up'.
This is a new feeling..I've never been outwardly ignored or brushed along before. i was a vocal, outgoing person, and now it feels as if I might as well keep my lips shut. I'm not used to the loneliness..I have always been independent and favouring quiet, but the quiet has turned crushing, and while I have no independency left, I have never felt more alone.
It's a peculiar thing..And not something I'm used to processing, so more often than not it just becomes a panic attack, which is not at all healthy. I have to wonder how anyone copes with this. The crushing silence. The becoming less than a person..becoming background noise.
I'm not used to complaining or anything so I will probably delete this, but I'm going to try, for once, to speak.
I was used to having friends who messaged me a lot, I was used to going out with a boyfriend, or traveling with family..And now, six years later, Barely anyone contacts me, my family feels distant, but still loving..they just don't seem to have enough energy or time for me. My best friend, while supportive, makes more trouble for me than she helps(we live together), and I have no voice to anyone around me. I am finding myself without words. I speak, but somehow the words seemed gloss over all who they're directed to. I feel as if I've become a non-entity to all but my dogs. Trapped in the same four walls, only broken by grocery trips, or errand trips(always accompanied, because I can't drive), I feel like a child. A toddler that tugs at their sleeves desperate for someone to listen, but only met by 'yes yes dear, come along so we can hurry this up'.
This is a new feeling..I've never been outwardly ignored or brushed along before. i was a vocal, outgoing person, and now it feels as if I might as well keep my lips shut. I'm not used to the loneliness..I have always been independent and favouring quiet, but the quiet has turned crushing, and while I have no independency left, I have never felt more alone.
It's a peculiar thing..And not something I'm used to processing, so more often than not it just becomes a panic attack, which is not at all healthy. I have to wonder how anyone copes with this. The crushing silence. The becoming less than a person..becoming background noise.
I'm not used to complaining or anything so I will probably delete this, but I'm going to try, for once, to speak.
