I had an altercation last night with my family. I am quite unwell due to it. What is worse, CFS or the stress it brings? I can't distinguish the 2.
My mother is semi wealthy. I had a long talk with her about making it so that her will leaves a lot of her money to me. By no means, not all of it. Just more than the half that she was giving my brother and myself. My brother is the only other sibling and living quite well with a $600,000 home, 2 BMW's, etc. His kids have everything and he spent $100,000 on kitchen renovations recently. If I was well, this would not even be a conversation. But because my medicines, rent, and all expenses are crushing, I am rightfully scared and not optimistic that I will meet a mate to "take" care of me and I don't necessarily want that anyway.
My mother told my brother that I am pressuring her to change the will. He freaked, called me and said that I will be fine and to stop pressuring her. I talked to her about it twice in one month. He doesn't NEED the money. What a web. My brother and I have no relationship. He refuses to accept my illness and even said he didn't want to be around someone who has an illness like AIDS. I cannot believe that she told my brother this, knowing how he is.. They are crazy. I have written a letter to both of them explaining my plight, how ill I am and how I have no real income other than disability. I have not been able to work!
My brother being a narcissistic bully, laid into me and even cried saying it is his money too. He makes close to $350,000 a year.
I don't understand.
I am unable to work, on disability, have medicare with no prescription coverage, I am sicker than I have ever been and they don't get it.
The biggest thing that bothers me and that is driving me crazy is not being heard. I feel like I am continually not being heard by anyone. My doctor who doesn't know what to do, my friends who can't understand why I am so sick right now, by everyone.
By my family who I have no "real" connection with. What is it like having that loving supportive family? What is it like having someone go and get your medicine when you are too sick? What is it like to have a mate who loves you no matter what? I want to know.
Since January I have had the flu. What feels like it. A cough, swollen glands and phlegm constantly. No answer. I have been unable to do anything. I have a ticket to see "Wicked" this weekend in NYC. I cannot go. $200 down the drain. I am too sick. I want to be able to call someone in my family and have them hear me, help me, be with me. I never ask for help ever, because the cost is too great and they have taught me to be self sufficient. But, I don't always want to be. I want someone to lean on.
I am so sad.
I try to have them hear me. I write letters. I get nowhere. I get yelled at. Talked over. I cannot speak because I am too weak to fight over their talking. I stay away only to try again when they come at me again. And again. My mother helps with my bills so I am dependent on her and she is dependent on me and is sure to let me know of all she has done.
However, she forgets to mention how she threw me out of the house when I was so sick. I had to live in a hotel for 4 days and move to Queens. All because of her drinking and insanity. I had a horrible infection from a root canal and it was upsetting her.
Will I be ok?
How do I not let this illness not turn me into a victim? I don't want to be that.
I am so sick. I don't know whether it's the CFS anymore or all of the losses that come with it. The constant never ending disappointment. I want someone to be here to hold my hand and tell me it will be ok. That I will be ok and if I ever move into HUD or section 8, I will be ok.
Is it so weak to want someone to hold your hand and tell you it will be ok? Why am I told by my family that that is wrong and that you have to deal with it alone. But I am expected to be there at any time of day or night for them. I have lived on my own for 12 years. No real support, a crazy mother who has the money but uses it as a controlling mechanism, saying yay or nay to what she deems a good doctor, treatment, etc. No "real" supportive boyfriend. Nada.
Woe is me, right? I hate this blog. This desperate blog of doom. But it is my reality. It is CFS and Fibro. It is my life.
My mother is semi wealthy. I had a long talk with her about making it so that her will leaves a lot of her money to me. By no means, not all of it. Just more than the half that she was giving my brother and myself. My brother is the only other sibling and living quite well with a $600,000 home, 2 BMW's, etc. His kids have everything and he spent $100,000 on kitchen renovations recently. If I was well, this would not even be a conversation. But because my medicines, rent, and all expenses are crushing, I am rightfully scared and not optimistic that I will meet a mate to "take" care of me and I don't necessarily want that anyway.
My mother told my brother that I am pressuring her to change the will. He freaked, called me and said that I will be fine and to stop pressuring her. I talked to her about it twice in one month. He doesn't NEED the money. What a web. My brother and I have no relationship. He refuses to accept my illness and even said he didn't want to be around someone who has an illness like AIDS. I cannot believe that she told my brother this, knowing how he is.. They are crazy. I have written a letter to both of them explaining my plight, how ill I am and how I have no real income other than disability. I have not been able to work!
My brother being a narcissistic bully, laid into me and even cried saying it is his money too. He makes close to $350,000 a year.
I don't understand.
I am unable to work, on disability, have medicare with no prescription coverage, I am sicker than I have ever been and they don't get it.
The biggest thing that bothers me and that is driving me crazy is not being heard. I feel like I am continually not being heard by anyone. My doctor who doesn't know what to do, my friends who can't understand why I am so sick right now, by everyone.
By my family who I have no "real" connection with. What is it like having that loving supportive family? What is it like having someone go and get your medicine when you are too sick? What is it like to have a mate who loves you no matter what? I want to know.
Since January I have had the flu. What feels like it. A cough, swollen glands and phlegm constantly. No answer. I have been unable to do anything. I have a ticket to see "Wicked" this weekend in NYC. I cannot go. $200 down the drain. I am too sick. I want to be able to call someone in my family and have them hear me, help me, be with me. I never ask for help ever, because the cost is too great and they have taught me to be self sufficient. But, I don't always want to be. I want someone to lean on.
I am so sad.
I try to have them hear me. I write letters. I get nowhere. I get yelled at. Talked over. I cannot speak because I am too weak to fight over their talking. I stay away only to try again when they come at me again. And again. My mother helps with my bills so I am dependent on her and she is dependent on me and is sure to let me know of all she has done.
However, she forgets to mention how she threw me out of the house when I was so sick. I had to live in a hotel for 4 days and move to Queens. All because of her drinking and insanity. I had a horrible infection from a root canal and it was upsetting her.
Will I be ok?
How do I not let this illness not turn me into a victim? I don't want to be that.
I am so sick. I don't know whether it's the CFS anymore or all of the losses that come with it. The constant never ending disappointment. I want someone to be here to hold my hand and tell me it will be ok. That I will be ok and if I ever move into HUD or section 8, I will be ok.
Is it so weak to want someone to hold your hand and tell you it will be ok? Why am I told by my family that that is wrong and that you have to deal with it alone. But I am expected to be there at any time of day or night for them. I have lived on my own for 12 years. No real support, a crazy mother who has the money but uses it as a controlling mechanism, saying yay or nay to what she deems a good doctor, treatment, etc. No "real" supportive boyfriend. Nada.
Woe is me, right? I hate this blog. This desperate blog of doom. But it is my reality. It is CFS and Fibro. It is my life.