Last night sleep was a joke again. Went to bed too early... with a truncated circadian rhythm, that is a huge mistake. Awake at 3 am, ready to sleep again at 9 am... just as the alarm is going off to get going for another day.
Off the public transit train, sitting in a restaurant for an hour with my forbidden choice of wake-up juice, trying to re-group for the day.
Tender note from a friend. Made my day.
Read a friend's post, a poem from a deceased man recording his feelings about life... basically, do not ignore me, this old man, drooling and spilling his food, because I was once young and vibrant, and all my memories are still there.
A text from my son, who is graduating from the first part of basic training today. I am not there, and I have been to everything in his life until now, so it is a little rough.
News yesterday, a co-worker has cancer. Now begins another journey in her life. My heart is a jumble of feelings there, having lost a step-son to cancer. The best I can do is love her through it every day I see her.
Yesterday would have been my tenth anniversary with my second husband, the man who dumped me like a pair of old shoes over this whole CFS thing seven years ago. Not too many feelings left over that one. A little anger, maybe, over what could have been, should have been... sometimes it is more angst these days, that Cinderella continues to bite the dust! Glad he is gone from my life, but some wistfulness there, because there should be someone.
All these pieces jumbled together, running faster than my mind and heart can take it all in. There is common ground for all of it, as I sit here typing away trying to deal with yet another day of CFS management and functioning.
My children are far more distant than I would like, as are my siblings.
I could complain and whine this morning. Instead, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for life, for all the wonderful people who are in it, even when it is 4 am in the morning and no one is there and it is so silent. It is almost an exercise in memory, reminding myself of the love that runs like a fragile beautiful thread through all these relationships.
CFS brings such a wide range of feelings and experiences I don't think we would experience otherwise. Any similar chronic illness would produce the same circumstances. Hard as it is this morning, I am reminded once again that the best thing I can do with this mess is turn it to good, stay within my heart and really SEE other people as much as I possibly can. There is such a great need for love and caring, and the question I try to ask myself daily is Who needs me? Who needs my touch? and not just as a massage therapist. Who needs a lift in their own journey? I know far too well how painful my own journey is. Can I give just a little more today? A funny thing happens when you reach out to others and help them carry their pain. Your own is greatly diminished and shrinks, even in the darkest of moments.
The clock tells me it is time to shut down and walk down the block to work. Another day, another challenge.
Off the public transit train, sitting in a restaurant for an hour with my forbidden choice of wake-up juice, trying to re-group for the day.
Tender note from a friend. Made my day.
Read a friend's post, a poem from a deceased man recording his feelings about life... basically, do not ignore me, this old man, drooling and spilling his food, because I was once young and vibrant, and all my memories are still there.
A text from my son, who is graduating from the first part of basic training today. I am not there, and I have been to everything in his life until now, so it is a little rough.
News yesterday, a co-worker has cancer. Now begins another journey in her life. My heart is a jumble of feelings there, having lost a step-son to cancer. The best I can do is love her through it every day I see her.
Yesterday would have been my tenth anniversary with my second husband, the man who dumped me like a pair of old shoes over this whole CFS thing seven years ago. Not too many feelings left over that one. A little anger, maybe, over what could have been, should have been... sometimes it is more angst these days, that Cinderella continues to bite the dust! Glad he is gone from my life, but some wistfulness there, because there should be someone.
All these pieces jumbled together, running faster than my mind and heart can take it all in. There is common ground for all of it, as I sit here typing away trying to deal with yet another day of CFS management and functioning.
My children are far more distant than I would like, as are my siblings.
I could complain and whine this morning. Instead, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for life, for all the wonderful people who are in it, even when it is 4 am in the morning and no one is there and it is so silent. It is almost an exercise in memory, reminding myself of the love that runs like a fragile beautiful thread through all these relationships.
CFS brings such a wide range of feelings and experiences I don't think we would experience otherwise. Any similar chronic illness would produce the same circumstances. Hard as it is this morning, I am reminded once again that the best thing I can do with this mess is turn it to good, stay within my heart and really SEE other people as much as I possibly can. There is such a great need for love and caring, and the question I try to ask myself daily is Who needs me? Who needs my touch? and not just as a massage therapist. Who needs a lift in their own journey? I know far too well how painful my own journey is. Can I give just a little more today? A funny thing happens when you reach out to others and help them carry their pain. Your own is greatly diminished and shrinks, even in the darkest of moments.
The clock tells me it is time to shut down and walk down the block to work. Another day, another challenge.
