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keep gettiong worse...so tired of being tired

i had doctor appointment today...and he was late..even the office lady was late which made me have more anxiety...i was up all night worried aobut having to get out...but my nerves calmed down some after talking to him...hes the pysch doctor i told him today that i think i have excepted being paranoid, anxiety the social phobias and depression and i dont think anyting is going to help, my conselour had suggested i see another psych doctor but i feel like ive tried every medicaiotn etc. and i know its bad but i like this psych becuase he understands i never get out of house other than anything to do with kids...takeing them somewhere, get the shopping /grocerys for family etc. and my doctor appointments..so he doesnt make me go often...and im just too tired to try anymore...

i did stop a few garage sales, i think ive mentioned my consulour said i should do something i use to love and try it to get out of house...i found kids some stuff cheap which made me happy but my back started hurting really bad and i had to go to bed when i come home...the exhuastion hit me hard and the pain...its just not in any way normal to feel like that...
compared to how i use to be i feel trapped in a fat, sick body that i dont belong in...i will go to bed again after venting...

im pretty much housebound, but so afraid of becomeing bed bound...though i spend majority of time laying on love seat or bed...im so afraid of being bedbound that i dont think of myself of that...but this is one of worse exhaustion and pains crash that come quicker than usual...usually its later at night or next day for days and weeks to follow..but it hit me before i even got home...i hope it doesnt mean im getting mroe worse..

if afraid though cause i need to take one of kids to doctor tomorrow...it had been extrememly stressful as my child had been very ill a few months ago but thought was getting better but now sick again and im aftrriad of what blood work will show etc. .and then i have another appointment with consueulor i hadnt seen her in i guess 3 or 4 weeks...she wanted to see me every 2 and i tried that but i just couldnt do it..it was too exhausting i hope she understood i didnt want her to think i didnt apprecaite her time she has helped alot..but hubby can drive me to that so i cant take medicaions that helps some..

also i had post in a thread or threads about hubby family and how cruel and dishonest they are...and they are mad at hubby for getting dna test done...they brag about knowing everyone that works in government offices in the tiny town they live in...and hint at "getting back at people that p**S them off etc." and one of my kids were doing great at job but someone had kept compliainiing and tehy treated my kid badly so he quit...im trying not to be paranoid and think its hubbys family. but theyve claimed to get people fired etc they are crazy..but i dont want to meniton it to hubby and upset him...because also they are 2 much much older women who work at the place where my kid quit that alot of others have quit becuase they gossip and belittle the much younger workers...so im tyring not to worry about hubbys family but its hard..if a pattern keeps going i dont know what ill do..also hubbys older sister lied about who one of her kids belong to, she acutally wnet for months saying who real father was and wehn he dumped her she told another person the baby was his and she was 2 months overdue and he believed her...just sad, i thnk she doesnt want anyone talking to us becuase she is afraid we will tell the person she lied to to get him to marry her and the child who is in 20's but we arent like that...if we were we would have told in begining...but i guess sicne hubby got dna test shes afraid we will tell them and theyed see how easy to get one.....just too mcuh drama and stress..

just so much stress....and as i said this is my quickest crash it seems...ive been slowly getting wores and dont understand it...im just so tired...if it werent for my kids i dont think i could live day to day like this...looks like there would be someithing to help us...sorry i just needed to vent...it helps just to blog and write it all down...

Comments

Merry
Dear hurtingallthetimet,

Your posts make me so sad. When I read your words, even though I'm probably considerably older than you, I feel I'm a teenager again and hearing my own poor ill mother speak. She often said, "I'm so tired of being tired." She was always ill, and I have absolutely no doubt she had ME/CFS. She got so little sympathy or help from doctors or family. She pushed herself to pass as normal but just got sicker and sicker. Taking care of my three siblings and me must've been terribly, terribly hard for her. Someone should've been taking care of her. I wish your life could be simpler and your health better.
 
H
thnak you merry you are always so kind...thanks for taking time to read and respond...i know its hard to read what i write sometimes because of spelling and typing errors in format..

i use to be wonderful and percise at it..but i cant remember how to spell anymore sometimes and how to format things..

im sorry your Mother was ill...that must have been very hard for you to watch being young...its so sad she go litle sympathy or help...i still cant beleive in this day and age how people are treated with these illness i cant imagane when your Mother was ill how bad it mush have been for her and probably no medications to help ease her pain...i do beleive in Heaven and God and im sure your Mother is in Heaven and happy and healhty and proud of you..you seem to try to educate so many on here with these illness...that must make her very proud...

i may be wrong but i keep as much from my kids as i can...they know very little of what i go through...i just posted on forum about hubby...i thought he was understanding and supportive but he said some cruel thngs at conselours, as did the counselour...

i often wonder if people can die from these illness? it sure feels like...
 
Merry
hurtingallthetimet,

You write like my mother did -- another reason I'm put in mind of her. She was self-conscious about her problems writing.

She often mentioned that she had not been a good student (unlike her older sisters), but I didn't know until late in her life that she had been ill so many weeks of seventh grade that she had to repeat the grade. That would've been around 1940. So I suspect that she was ill with ME/CFS from at least that time. She also told me that in high school she wasn't able to stay awake for slumber parties. Then after her fourth pregnancy. her health crashed.

Yes, I, too, believe in a world beyond this one and am sure my mother "spoke" to me from that other side when I was in a bad situation some years back and she urged me to do what needed to be done to protect myself.

Thanks for listening.

I read the thread you started about the unsympathetic and ignorant counselor and agree with the others that this person is not fit to advise you. You'd be better off not seeing this person again. I know it is a pain to have to find another counselor, but take your time.

I wish you and your family the best.

Merry
 
alex3619
Hi hurtingallthetime, I used to be able to read at 2000 wpm, I have over 6000 books in my library and two bachelor degrees. Yet I have lost all my math and grammar skills several times, and I spent years barely able to read. During one period I could not even count to three. This illness takes a toll on cognitive abilities. Do not beat yourself up. In any case a person is good not because they can spell or write well, but because of who they are and how they treat others. One thing that CFS and ME teaches people is compassion. I think, morally, that most of us are better people because of it even if our lives are hell.

I have given up relearning grammar and spelling. If I get it right, great. If I don't, too bad. I will learn it again, if its important to me, after I am cured.

If a counsellor is giving advice based upon the presumption that you have a dysfunctional belief system, then their advice will be distorted by that. It could mess you up more rather than help you. I think the advice of others that you might like to seek a new counsellor is probably good advice.

In the meantime you have a place where people understand, where you will not be judged by most people, where you can discuss your problems and vent if you have to. Most of us have experienced most of your problems in one way or another - we understand from personal experience.

Best wishes, Alex
 
Merry
Let me add, hurtingallthetimet, that you write in a compelling way. The strength of your personality comes through in your words. What you have to say is always interesting.
 
H
thank you merry and alex, you are both way too kind...but i appreicate your kindess alot : )

merry you always sound very intelligent about these illness like you know so much about these illness, are you a doctor?
 
T
hurting..

I dont remember if I've suggested this to you or not before (forgive me if I have) but one thing you may consider trying to help with your anxiety and fears of being out and also could help the depression some.. is hypnosis.

Many years ago now, just after giving birth to my daughter and due to all the bad stuff which had happened (she was born disabled and there were other issues too around fear as she almost also died on me and I had to resusitate her)... I ended up going to have medical hypnosis done.

I got told it would be 6 sessions.. I nearly quit it by ther 4th session as I didnt feel like I was going under or that it was doing much but after the 5th session... I suddenly after that session improved heaps and by the 6th session, the issues, my fears... had gone.

Hypnosis could also help you to emotionally let go of all the bad family member stuff. (Letting go isnt about forgetting but rather of not having things negatively impacting you badly).
 
Merry
hurtingallthetimet;bt6923 said:
are you a doctor?
Click to expand...

Your question really took me aback. No, I am not a doctor. Perhaps you are confusing me with Alex, who actually knows something (he has more than one degree in the sciences). I'm sorry to say that my education is inadequate for understanding many of the research papers that are posted here at PR. My knowledge of ME/CFS comes mostly from experience. Cognitive dysfunction has been my most frustrating problem to deal with.
 
L
Reading these post's here helped me in a weird way. I hate to hear when someone is sick, or feeling so badly like this.
I know how sick I am, and I can relate in so many ways. I feel I am getting worse, for some reason I didn't think I would get worse. I to hate the thought of becoming bed bound. I am pretty much house bound now, but used to at least be able to get out. My husband drives me most of the time, when I can get out. Getting dressed or taking a shower is a reason to celebrate! UGh, I hate to complain....
I just wish I felt better more of the time, as most of us do. "hurtingallthetimet" I hope you are having a good day....and I hope everyone else is. I can be grateful that the sun is out today....I do foster small dogs with the help of my husband and the 2 babies right now are a blessing, they make me smile!! ;-)
 

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