My new neighbors are already commenting on how they never see me.
All those boxes I unpacked when I moved in here, I destroyed my lower back doing it. So now, I have a loose SI joint, where every time I move the wrong way, I'm getting severe sciatica on the right side. And even when I don't get the sciatica, I'm getting low back pain, and the joint just moves all over the place. It's bad. So, between the muscle relaxants and pain killer and doing exercises to try to strengthen the surrounding muscles, no one is gonna see me for months. It's so frustrating. I didn't even realize how badly I injured my back. I thought the low back pain would go away, but instead, it went into this. Also, my ankles and feet swelled up. More so, the right one. And my right hip keeps dislocating along with the SI joint. I'm a mess, with new heights of pain.
The most frustrating thing is, I made myself better in other ways. I made the POTS severe lightheadedness and weakness alot better. I'm not getting the attacks as frequently. I can stand longer, I can do more. But now I'm all crippled up from the back stuff, so any progress I made with CFIDS is out the window for now.
I just feel bad when neighbors comment. Like I'm choosing to stay in.
This disease steals so much life. So many life experiences. I've had people ask me recently, what would make me happy. And I'm like, well, give me back my health, let me be able to actually have a life again, and then ask me later. I'm just never going to be a happy camper with this disease. I've coped, for about twenty years, but happy, no, not really.
I want the things that have been stolen from me. The ability to work and to feel successful at my job. The ability to date, get married, have children. I'm not going to have that. I'm getting older. I've been sterile a very long time from this disease. And I'm never well enough to really date or have a real relationship. I can barely take care of myself and my cat. I want a normal life. That's what would make me happy. I'd like a boring as cardboard normal life. I want to wake up, not be in pain, go to my boring job, or maybe a not so boring one, work all day. Socialize with coworkers, go home to a husband and children. And spend weekends with my family, the one I have never been able to have with CFIDS. The one that was stolen from me. My children will never be born.
People just don't realize what we lose with chronic, long term illness. Everything is gone. Friends I had before I got sick, all gone. My phone doesn't ring. I don't get to go to parties or weddings or anything. I don't get to go to holiday parties or clubs, nothing. I don't get to enjoy any kind of social drinking, can't drink, the disease has made me intolerant to alcohol, and pretty much anything else that's actually relaxing and fun to do with friends.
Money is all gone. I even found myself with a bare fridge last week. The move financially killed me. Can't afford to breathe or eat now. But the disease already really took care of that. I haven't been able to afford to do anything for a long time.
It's bad enough that we lose it all, but then to have people be mean and cruel on top and accuse us of faking it or belittling how bad this really is, it's just so cruel. I've also had people make comments about my weight over the years. People who didn't know me before I got sick. I was a bodybuilder, an athlete. I did not look like this. And the most humiliating thing for a former bodybuilder is to pack a ton of weight on them and have them go out into the world like that. Believe me, this is not by my choice. Any time someone comments on my weight, I just wish they could have this disease for even a few months and see what it's like. When you can't exercise, and you can't move about much, the weight packs on.
I used to be a very social, popular person. My phone always rang. My friends always wanted to see me. I wasn't an introverted couch potato. I wasn't lazy or fat.
Now, I'm just a shell of what I once was, this unseen ghostly neighbor that you might get a glimpse of once in awhile before she disappears again for days and weeks and months on end.
All those boxes I unpacked when I moved in here, I destroyed my lower back doing it. So now, I have a loose SI joint, where every time I move the wrong way, I'm getting severe sciatica on the right side. And even when I don't get the sciatica, I'm getting low back pain, and the joint just moves all over the place. It's bad. So, between the muscle relaxants and pain killer and doing exercises to try to strengthen the surrounding muscles, no one is gonna see me for months. It's so frustrating. I didn't even realize how badly I injured my back. I thought the low back pain would go away, but instead, it went into this. Also, my ankles and feet swelled up. More so, the right one. And my right hip keeps dislocating along with the SI joint. I'm a mess, with new heights of pain.
The most frustrating thing is, I made myself better in other ways. I made the POTS severe lightheadedness and weakness alot better. I'm not getting the attacks as frequently. I can stand longer, I can do more. But now I'm all crippled up from the back stuff, so any progress I made with CFIDS is out the window for now.
I just feel bad when neighbors comment. Like I'm choosing to stay in.
This disease steals so much life. So many life experiences. I've had people ask me recently, what would make me happy. And I'm like, well, give me back my health, let me be able to actually have a life again, and then ask me later. I'm just never going to be a happy camper with this disease. I've coped, for about twenty years, but happy, no, not really.
I want the things that have been stolen from me. The ability to work and to feel successful at my job. The ability to date, get married, have children. I'm not going to have that. I'm getting older. I've been sterile a very long time from this disease. And I'm never well enough to really date or have a real relationship. I can barely take care of myself and my cat. I want a normal life. That's what would make me happy. I'd like a boring as cardboard normal life. I want to wake up, not be in pain, go to my boring job, or maybe a not so boring one, work all day. Socialize with coworkers, go home to a husband and children. And spend weekends with my family, the one I have never been able to have with CFIDS. The one that was stolen from me. My children will never be born.
People just don't realize what we lose with chronic, long term illness. Everything is gone. Friends I had before I got sick, all gone. My phone doesn't ring. I don't get to go to parties or weddings or anything. I don't get to go to holiday parties or clubs, nothing. I don't get to enjoy any kind of social drinking, can't drink, the disease has made me intolerant to alcohol, and pretty much anything else that's actually relaxing and fun to do with friends.
Money is all gone. I even found myself with a bare fridge last week. The move financially killed me. Can't afford to breathe or eat now. But the disease already really took care of that. I haven't been able to afford to do anything for a long time.
It's bad enough that we lose it all, but then to have people be mean and cruel on top and accuse us of faking it or belittling how bad this really is, it's just so cruel. I've also had people make comments about my weight over the years. People who didn't know me before I got sick. I was a bodybuilder, an athlete. I did not look like this. And the most humiliating thing for a former bodybuilder is to pack a ton of weight on them and have them go out into the world like that. Believe me, this is not by my choice. Any time someone comments on my weight, I just wish they could have this disease for even a few months and see what it's like. When you can't exercise, and you can't move about much, the weight packs on.
I used to be a very social, popular person. My phone always rang. My friends always wanted to see me. I wasn't an introverted couch potato. I wasn't lazy or fat.
Now, I'm just a shell of what I once was, this unseen ghostly neighbor that you might get a glimpse of once in awhile before she disappears again for days and weeks and months on end.