Midlife Crisis

Looking up ex's is way too depressing. I saw a pic on the net of mine and he was all smiles and partying it up with his celeb friends. And then I saw another pic of a different guy I dated and he was rock climbing and looking in the peak of health and we are the same age and I look like someone's mom. Way too depressing!

I'm glad you found something for the food allergies. I hope it's a treatment that will become mainstream.

I do think this disease opens up hidden talents and particularly creative ones. I guess because it works on a different part of the brain.

Don't get so stressed over the legal stuff. If they don't even have a lawyer, they might be all talk and no action. And if they busted your contract by not finishing by May, they don't have a legal leg to stand on. Make a few calls and get a free consultation, you'll feel better.

Thanks Carrigon. I think I may have to change my name on here because I googled spitfire and my photo came up and since my ex is good at tracking down info, he'll be sure to be reading these. Oh boy! I need to figure out how to change my name.

That was funny about the mom part. It is depressing. You are right!

Hey Spitfire,
I sure like the "Tell me a story... Lie if you have to!" I feel that way so much and so often.

For some years now I've been trying to make sense of those of us who are sick and have spouses or partners, and those of us who seem to want that connection so badly. How can the world be that cruel, right? But damn it, it really is. I can relate to almost every single sentence in here except about the allergies improving so much. I get why you want a job where there's a built-in boundary. I get that you're also so incredibly talented at what you do that there must be a true fire in you that flares up and causes all of the heartache about things and the sometimes-unrealistic expectations. I wish I had something to add to the web stuff, because there are practical answers to that I bet, and I bet many here at PR have some insights. I get the horror of knowing you were better than the men you loved, but it meant everything to have them to love, and whatever they were able to return. It's sick that if a man is well, he will do okay with women (minus some obvious exceptions) even if he's a stalker, a sociopath, or just a hot mess. It might be even more likely he'll couple easily if he's any of those things. The only reason you aren't moving up and with someone better is because you're forced to live life not knowing what the next day brings, and that makes for some damn hard circumstances when you meet people. It's partly a feeling of guilt a lot of us (or all of us!) have about not being able to give all we know we have been, and sometimes that fear is actually given right back to us by someone who says, "I don't want to do this" or "I can't do this" or--worse still--who says nothing and just disappears. I know how it feels to be a size 2 and go to a 4 and to think, hey--wait a minute, this isn't fun anymore (after the excitement of gaining weight wears off), but having to accept the possibility that even though guys and others had great things to say about how we looked, our bodies weren't okay, weren't taking in nutrients. Our organs were starving and all they know now is to stash what has come their way, just basic math like a squirrel and his acorns. It still sucks, and it's a part of being a woman that just never feels easy, and as our bodies change and we can't exercise them or have them feel good and strong, the fact that time isn't standing still while we've been in suspended animation to some degree, really twists the knife. If you're anything like me, you thought at least you'd keep being the you you remembered until you got that project, that partner, that security, whatever, and now it seems even less likely.

So yeah, I have had a few midlife crises, and I expect another one soon as I get ready to move after 5 years of being in the woods, away from the world, not having to offer explanations for "why I can't...", where I leave the memories of my ex-fianc who quickly moved on to an 18-year-old. If there's an answer, I haven't found it. If there's one more decision I have to make, my head will pop off of my neck. If one more thing goes wrong and one more night of sleep is abruptly interrupted (and it will be) just UGGGGH.

Thanks Spitfire, you've got balls of steel and I always admire that you say what I'm often too embarrassed to say. I'm guessing there are many more out there who feel the same way.

And a good (enough) night to us both...
Zoe

Zoe, yes I do say what's on my mind. I loved what you wrote. Every word. You summed it up. You expressed it better than myself. I have energy for work because it's not as emotional as an intimate connection. If I lose my job, it will upset me, but it won't bring me to my knees like losing a romantic partner. I am sorry about your ex fiance. That would be a tough nut to crack and it shows me a lot that you mentioned it at the end. No offense to men, but they can all get a younger girl and I don't get it. I have no desire to be with someone that much older.

And I love the woods and the silence and that is heart breaking that you must leave it.

I wasn't always this ballsy when it came to speaking my mind. I used to be quiet and I would hide my emotions. Now that I am ill, as the years have passed, I don't have the energy to be anything other than myself in all it's glory, flaws and honesty. This woman that I recently hired told me that she loved me because I came right out and said, "well, you are not right for the job and I knew that before you came, but I wanted to give you a chance." She told me that she loved that. That I just was so honest and she had never had anyone say that and so bluntly. I then turned around and hired her because she told me if I ever need help around my apartment with papers or work, she could help. So, I hired her.

Anyway, I went off a little there...I don't want guilt anymore. I am tired of guilt. Of not being good enough. Of not having the energy to hike or play tennis like I used to. To not be able to keep plans. Not even with my job at times. I don't want some man saying, "you don't meet my needs." I am over it. As far as I am concerned, no man, not even my first love ever completely met my needs. Because if they did, I wouldn't have broken up with "them!" I broke up with all of the ones I loved, because I knew to cut my loses but I cried. I cried myself to sleep and still do.

THANK YOU. I like your story or how it's not so distant from mine.

I found the privacy controls so you have to be a member to read my blogs and what not.