Haven't been on in awhile. I felt well enough to sort of escape it for a bit. I check in, graze the boards to see if I have any words of wisdom, or not. I need to vent. I need to throw something. Where do I begin? I hate this illness, but isn't that redundant? Does anyone like it? I would hope not.
Well, I will begin with the most pressing of news to many on here. Those shots I have been getting...the amino acid peptide shots that I am not supposed to talk about; well, I can eat almost EVERYTHING. Yes. They have basically taken away my food allergies. I have no allergies. No up all night, itching and losing my mind moments. I have had pizza. PIZZA. I am allergic to cheese, wheat, and tomatoes. Well, not anymore! Before you email me and ask all of these questions, I need to ruin the parade. I have no info on them. I don't understand them, I don't know why they work, where to find out about them, etc. They are from Germany. They work. That's all I know. I was at my wits end. Well, I am not anymore. They have helped my allergies to everything and I feel much more stable. You won't be able to tell that by this blog though...I am exhausted, so that's why.
Onto other things. I am in full on work mode. I had 2 events this weekend back to back. It was really hard. I am super sad. Yesterday was great. Today was a total bust. Sometimes, I wonder what I am doing? Do I really want to be an artist? Maybe I should just go work at a store. Like Pottery Barn. "Hello, welcome to Pottery Barn. How may I assist you? Here is your change, have a great day." Then go home and leave work behind. This business is so much work. I have hired 3 assistants and I rotate them. Am I crazy to do this while being ill? Sort of, but I love designing. "F" the business though. I have had to fire my web folks who have now threatened to come after me with a lawyer. It's a mess. The contractor hired a subcontractor and he is the programmer. The programmer or subcontractor wants to sue me. The website was supposed to be done by May. Well, I am in my busy season with no website with shopping carts. I have a website, but it's better to have a site with carts. They want the money. I am really stressed out. I can't sleep. I need legal counsel and I don't trust my lawyer. Why should I pay for a site that is not done? They have no lawyer. They have a contract that says will be done in May. There is no kill fee. I have never had to hire a lawyer for anything other than a car accident where I was hit and hurt. I am upset. It's stressing me out so much, I am waking up in the morning with that feeling that a gun went off. I want a husband to rub my back or someone to have my back. I am not alone on this, I know.
Totally different. I came home tonight and googled myself. I can't believe how much info there is out there about me or anyone. Photos, address, phone number. Is this right? Is this normal? I googled my ex and sat and cried when I saw that he moved to a really posh condo downtown. I broke up with him, he was crazy, but he is living in such an expensive condo and I am trying to figure out how to cut corners. I don't want to be with him, but how does he move up in the world when he is a psycho? And here I am trying to get by. Ahhh...shit. Plus, he has a new telephone number. That upset me for some reason. I see him in his penthouse suite with some woman, and he is making it work with her and I think, "That could have been me, had you not been an obsessive, possessive, jealous stalker." And then I remember, he is still that guy. That scary guy who wanted to own me, buy me, bedazzle me. Didn't happen. I am feeling sorry for myself. SHIT. But seriously, isn't it weird that anyone can be found? I hate that. You can stalk people, as I clearly did tonight. I stalked myself and was freaked.
So, for the most part, I have been ok. But today, today I lost it. I am not ok. I am sad. I am exhausted trying to make my jewelry business run and float and succeed and I am sad that I didn't get what I wanted.
Last night I had a dream with my ex from years ago. My first love. He and I were married in the dream. I woke up so sad. He was who I wanted to be with. I can remember him in my dreams and in my dreams I remember things that I can't remember while awake. The sound of his voice. How does this happen? I miss the love I had for him. I miss that he loved me. He loved me so much. But, he couldn't handle me being ill. He was too weak and he admitted it.
And now, I am this person. This person, an artist. How did I get here? I was going to be the housewife with a career, a marriage and a dog. Maybe one kid. Now, I am this driven, ailing soon to be 40 year old. On the 25th, I will be 40. I am single and alone and I have no one to help me with anything unless I pay them.
I just feel lost. And, I am so far behind on how much you can find out about "anything" on the net and I never watch the news. I am too tired to watch the news. I put my energy into other things. Like my business and trying to stay afloat health wise.
So yeah, I should be happy that these shots are working. And that I can eat pizza. I mentioned this in the past but I have to mention it again. I have gained some weight. Like 13 pounds. I am not even eating a lot of junk. For years I was unable to gain a pound. Well, not anymore! I think it is due to the shot. If I am not having inflammation anymore in the gut, then I can only assume that it must be helping the gut and me to keep on the pounds. I went from a 2 to a size 4. I look ok, but it all goes to my midsection which I hate. And, I have cellulite now. Suddenly, this year, I am noticing it. I was in a bathroom this evening while out for dinner and there in the mirror, I could see ripples in my butt. It was a bathroom for one where the mirror was like this huge...annoyance due to seeing every flaw. And ripples in my once hot tush. WHAT?? Now I have this obsession with staring at other women and their legs and butts. "Do they have cellulite" I wonder? "Did they escape cellulite?" My 81 year old mother says, "I never had cellulite. I wonder where you got it." LAUGH. THANKS MOM!! Feeling better, thumbs up! And yes, I am going blind to boot. Reading glasses are everywhere. Purse, bedside table, dining room. BLIND.
Once I get some sleep, I will feel better. I know I sound nuts, but I am not.
You know how they say that CFS changes the brain? Clearly we know it does; I can't help but think that CFS has made me creative. I have always been creative, but now I am really creative and I think it's beyond weird. I used to be really book smart. Now, not so much, instead, the other side of my brain has fired. I want a balance. I like the creativity but I want both back.
Tell me a story. Anything. Help me to not feel very alone right now. I am having a midlife crisis. I will probably have another one too. Tell me you have had one. Tell me you survived it. Tell me you had another one and survived it. Lie if you have to!
Well, I will begin with the most pressing of news to many on here. Those shots I have been getting...the amino acid peptide shots that I am not supposed to talk about; well, I can eat almost EVERYTHING. Yes. They have basically taken away my food allergies. I have no allergies. No up all night, itching and losing my mind moments. I have had pizza. PIZZA. I am allergic to cheese, wheat, and tomatoes. Well, not anymore! Before you email me and ask all of these questions, I need to ruin the parade. I have no info on them. I don't understand them, I don't know why they work, where to find out about them, etc. They are from Germany. They work. That's all I know. I was at my wits end. Well, I am not anymore. They have helped my allergies to everything and I feel much more stable. You won't be able to tell that by this blog though...I am exhausted, so that's why.
Onto other things. I am in full on work mode. I had 2 events this weekend back to back. It was really hard. I am super sad. Yesterday was great. Today was a total bust. Sometimes, I wonder what I am doing? Do I really want to be an artist? Maybe I should just go work at a store. Like Pottery Barn. "Hello, welcome to Pottery Barn. How may I assist you? Here is your change, have a great day." Then go home and leave work behind. This business is so much work. I have hired 3 assistants and I rotate them. Am I crazy to do this while being ill? Sort of, but I love designing. "F" the business though. I have had to fire my web folks who have now threatened to come after me with a lawyer. It's a mess. The contractor hired a subcontractor and he is the programmer. The programmer or subcontractor wants to sue me. The website was supposed to be done by May. Well, I am in my busy season with no website with shopping carts. I have a website, but it's better to have a site with carts. They want the money. I am really stressed out. I can't sleep. I need legal counsel and I don't trust my lawyer. Why should I pay for a site that is not done? They have no lawyer. They have a contract that says will be done in May. There is no kill fee. I have never had to hire a lawyer for anything other than a car accident where I was hit and hurt. I am upset. It's stressing me out so much, I am waking up in the morning with that feeling that a gun went off. I want a husband to rub my back or someone to have my back. I am not alone on this, I know.
Totally different. I came home tonight and googled myself. I can't believe how much info there is out there about me or anyone. Photos, address, phone number. Is this right? Is this normal? I googled my ex and sat and cried when I saw that he moved to a really posh condo downtown. I broke up with him, he was crazy, but he is living in such an expensive condo and I am trying to figure out how to cut corners. I don't want to be with him, but how does he move up in the world when he is a psycho? And here I am trying to get by. Ahhh...shit. Plus, he has a new telephone number. That upset me for some reason. I see him in his penthouse suite with some woman, and he is making it work with her and I think, "That could have been me, had you not been an obsessive, possessive, jealous stalker." And then I remember, he is still that guy. That scary guy who wanted to own me, buy me, bedazzle me. Didn't happen. I am feeling sorry for myself. SHIT. But seriously, isn't it weird that anyone can be found? I hate that. You can stalk people, as I clearly did tonight. I stalked myself and was freaked.
So, for the most part, I have been ok. But today, today I lost it. I am not ok. I am sad. I am exhausted trying to make my jewelry business run and float and succeed and I am sad that I didn't get what I wanted.
Last night I had a dream with my ex from years ago. My first love. He and I were married in the dream. I woke up so sad. He was who I wanted to be with. I can remember him in my dreams and in my dreams I remember things that I can't remember while awake. The sound of his voice. How does this happen? I miss the love I had for him. I miss that he loved me. He loved me so much. But, he couldn't handle me being ill. He was too weak and he admitted it.
And now, I am this person. This person, an artist. How did I get here? I was going to be the housewife with a career, a marriage and a dog. Maybe one kid. Now, I am this driven, ailing soon to be 40 year old. On the 25th, I will be 40. I am single and alone and I have no one to help me with anything unless I pay them.
I just feel lost. And, I am so far behind on how much you can find out about "anything" on the net and I never watch the news. I am too tired to watch the news. I put my energy into other things. Like my business and trying to stay afloat health wise.
So yeah, I should be happy that these shots are working. And that I can eat pizza. I mentioned this in the past but I have to mention it again. I have gained some weight. Like 13 pounds. I am not even eating a lot of junk. For years I was unable to gain a pound. Well, not anymore! I think it is due to the shot. If I am not having inflammation anymore in the gut, then I can only assume that it must be helping the gut and me to keep on the pounds. I went from a 2 to a size 4. I look ok, but it all goes to my midsection which I hate. And, I have cellulite now. Suddenly, this year, I am noticing it. I was in a bathroom this evening while out for dinner and there in the mirror, I could see ripples in my butt. It was a bathroom for one where the mirror was like this huge...annoyance due to seeing every flaw. And ripples in my once hot tush. WHAT?? Now I have this obsession with staring at other women and their legs and butts. "Do they have cellulite" I wonder? "Did they escape cellulite?" My 81 year old mother says, "I never had cellulite. I wonder where you got it." LAUGH. THANKS MOM!! Feeling better, thumbs up! And yes, I am going blind to boot. Reading glasses are everywhere. Purse, bedside table, dining room. BLIND.
Once I get some sleep, I will feel better. I know I sound nuts, but I am not.
You know how they say that CFS changes the brain? Clearly we know it does; I can't help but think that CFS has made me creative. I have always been creative, but now I am really creative and I think it's beyond weird. I used to be really book smart. Now, not so much, instead, the other side of my brain has fired. I want a balance. I like the creativity but I want both back.
Tell me a story. Anything. Help me to not feel very alone right now. I am having a midlife crisis. I will probably have another one too. Tell me you have had one. Tell me you survived it. Tell me you had another one and survived it. Lie if you have to!