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Layered Acceptance

Sometimes, i close my eyes....and i'm there.
Hes 11, shes 2. I'm 36....
I see the parking lot of the church where his boyscouts was,
i see my daughter i'm holding on my hip. I see the parents i am mingling with as we say goodbye. I see the golden moon glowing on a dark blue winters night. Sometimes, i see us rising up in the sky.....

I used to wonder why. This scene especially would play in my head over and over. I do believe, its my consciousness way of honoring that woman i was. I've already blogged about my feelings on unbecoming everything you ever were to being bathed in a bed by strangers that read your story in a newspaper. But, what i feel has happened more and more with me, is an acceptance. a deep respect for that woman. A deep respect for this woman i am now. These are two very different humans. It almost feels that a transition occurred back then. Because when i see that scene, me and my children are always enveloped in a golden egg of light each and together. I feel the deepest sense of peace. Because, in a way, that last image, was a death of me in many ways. Somewhere i stopped fighting it. Somewhere i began accepting my reality. I have such deep admiration for her and all she held together as her body and world fell apart.

I have many different shades of difficult dreams, night terrors and all in between. One nit surprising theme that shows up often is i am in different scenarios searching for my children. Especially for my daughter, trying to keep up with her toddler self and as you can imagine, not being able to (my body), it creates many difficult dreams. The other night, a deceased friend visited me in a dream. I had the backdrop going of a challenging situation in which the details are murky. I remember she took my hand amidst my immense physical suffering of trying to breathe and stay alive after trying to find my daughter....and she told me that i am a good mother and
i have done such an incredible job given the amazingly difficult card i've been dealt. I felt such peace. Yes, there were my normal dream things occurring and i feel and taste these shades of gray in so many of them as well. But there was this knowingness, this acceptance. This deep love and honor. For it all.....and that, that is a shift in me. Because this pain, has been an unbearable weight at times pertaining to my children.

If you are looking for a soothing and beautiful meditation that is simple and short yet allows you to shine your love to gaia and humanity, i love this one:


"Now, it would seem logic would dictate that these investigations be considered separate entities however i believe otherwise. I believe that these mysteries are not separate entities but are in fact complimentary verses of the same song. Now, i cannot hear it yet but i can feel it. And that is enough for me to proceed." -Agent Cooper (Twin Peaks)

Isn't that really the root of so much suffering? Separation until we no longer see the actual picture anymore, with humans, with this illness, with the medical field in general, with governments, with God (Source). How can we ever fully heal as humanity, when we think everything is separate? When we forgot we are whole and not just the puzzle piece. No wonder the anguish humanity feels over holding individual puzzle pieces for so long looking to complete a puzzle they do not fully realize exists.

Much love and light to you all :heart:

Comments

:heart:Hello @sunshine44.....I do believe you've moved into another part of your role as a human being. Funny, we always think we'll feel the same about things and then it changes on us and we have to readjust once more.

We do it willingly because we're moving ahead, we're doing our best, accepting what life is offering.

I think that's one of the big surprises of life....the many people we are in one lifetime (perhaps we have to let ourselves, that I don't know). I just know that I'm open to at least trying and know that even though I'm old the future will be even more difficult. Who knows though, perhaps I'll be surprised.

I spend a lot of time wondering; my husband is you would say more productive. He spends it doing and I can see a spreadsheet from where I sit. My daughters aren't my way inclined (in thinking) one grandson is, but his life is beginning in the not too different future. I can't/don't expect that I'll see much of him. We "get" each other. A grandson, yes. Who knew?

Congratulations on settling something important in your mind. Yours, Lenora
 
@sunshine44 🌻🌞I deeply honour and respect your sharings and writings .
Your expressions are captivating and always speak to me ....
Thank u ( I'm looking for a bowing icon but can't see one in fact the icons on my phone are a bit poop ...need to change along with the 247 other things :) ...
Well I'll send this instead 🙏🤗💛
I
d like to share what is brought to the light in me as you share ... Will do in sections and come back and add ...
rest time soon x

as you share about your experiences of re seeing and feeling your church and children experience i feel I'm watching ..
I find it interesting when I do this and have my own being back I feel so alive and free ..
what was taken as normal now becomes a heart and spirit observing human specialness of the gift called life on planet earth . Like I'm suspended from a height and I'm watching a scene and then I become the scene because it was my life. .. more magical than I gave it credit for. .. and that's one of the gifts of the chronic status ... The magical can be felt with a new honouring .. I find ...
 
@sunshine44 🌻🌞I deeply honour and respect your sharings and writings .
Your expressions are captivating and always speak to me ....
Thank u ( I'm looking for a bowing icon but can't see one in fact the icons on my phone are a bit poop ...need to change along with the 247 other things :) ...
Well I'll send this instead 🙏🤗💛
I
d like to share what is brought to the light in me as you share ... Will do in sections and come back and add ...
rest time soon x

as you share about your experiences of re seeing and feeling your church and children experience i feel I'm watching ..
I find it interesting when I do this and have my own being back I feel so alive and free ..
what was taken as normal now becomes a heart and spirit observing human specialness of the gift called life on planet earth . Like I'm suspended from a height and I'm watching a scene and then I become the scene because it was my life. .. more magical than I gave it credit for. .. and that's one of the gifts of the chronic status ... The magical can be felt with a new honouring .. I find ...


thats an incredible way of viewing it from new perspectives. Its incredibly true in these states. Thank you so much for sharing and sending your love and all the good things. I appreciate you emma :heart:
 
:heart:Hello @sunshine44.....I do believe you've moved into another part of your role as a human being. Funny, we always think we'll feel the same about things and then it changes on us and we have to readjust once more.

We do it willingly because we're moving ahead, we're doing our best, accepting what life is offering.

I think that's one of the big surprises of life....the many people we are in one lifetime (perhaps we have to let ourselves, that I don't know). I just know that I'm open to at least trying and know that even though I'm old the future will be even more difficult. Who knows though, perhaps I'll be surprised.

I spend a lot of time wondering; my husband is you would say more productive. He spends it doing and I can see a spreadsheet from where I sit. My daughters aren't my way inclined (in thinking) one grandson is, but his life is beginning in the not too different future. I can't/don't expect that I'll see much of him. We "get" each other. A grandson, yes. Who knew?

Congratulations on settling something important in your mind. Yours, Lenora


thank you lenora, yes it feels that way. Life and all of its layers. I do think by the time, if we are blessed enough to reach 80, we have been many, many different humans.
 
'The many people we are in one lifetime"....
Yes! I find this a fascinating topic and have thought about it was far bit too ✩*⢄⢁✧ --------- ✧⡈⡠*✩

Zoning in on a part of my life and it feeling and seeming so different.. Everything the lights, the scene, the stage and I'm there me but not me now ...
However, as I write what I also love is that it was me seemingly different but fundamentally me in my soul. The alive spirit, the essence, the lovely. ...

I like getting older I'll be 50 in 11 wks, 50 ! How did that happen! And then I know how it happened it means I've been on this green and blue ball for 49yrs and 9 mths and ooob I feel like I have I mean maybe it feels even longer umm but then shorter... The paradox.

My little granma turns 97 in 8 wks wow what must that feel like! Born 1926 woooo that's a looong while ago.
M dad will be turning 78 ! He says " I don't feel it ' I reply that good. He is living his BEST life in a life.

And back to me lived many places, many faces and many personalities. Many guises, many surprises and many many levels of happiness and utter horribleness - as I said to one of my new neighbours . ' life is beautiful and tough ' intermittently and frequently.

I love re membering a time when.... Feeling me then and the aliveness.
My 20s esp. So young, so much ahead.
I was talking to someone new the other day we ended up speaking for 40 mins was wonderful. She's had a life in a lifetimes life sooo interesting. Loved all over the world.

So Sunshine ☀️ keep shining and remember your a bright spirit who shines most in the dark.

Ps my dad is coming to visit in 11 wks! 5 yrs since we've seen each other!
I'll also meet his new partner for the 1st time...
Can't wait!
PPS he just gave me 1,000 for my new home,,,, so generous
 
OK @Emmarose47....are you saying that I'm possibly loopy-de-loop (or whatever)? I'll have you know that I think I'm well grounded....I just think a lot, I've always been that way. :) Kind of helps to get one through life, doesn't it? There's always something more important to think about than me.

Too much reading is the cause here....way too much. But who would I be without it and those intrusive thoughts, of course?

For those who don't know and like to get lost in a different time and place (not so long ago for me) the new James Herriott remake is now on the PBS channel via Prime. If you like animals and a peek at the past and want to feel enveloped in warmth, check it out. The holidays are especially wonderful and are bookended in the series. You're granny would remember life that time, Emmarose, and I think you'd like it. This is open to all....you don't have to be a little nuts to "get" this one.

We actually met James Herriott (real name Alfred White) at his vet surgery in Thirsk in the north of England. He was in practice with his son then. Dead now. Even my non-reading husband laughed at his books....not much humor in the latest TV series, though. OK....I was into him then, don't even ask how.

So now I'm old enough to see remakes of the original. Yes, life passes us by....we're swept along whether we know it or not. Views change, food tastes, what we want to do or enjoyed at another time, we seek love and friendship, but it's disappearing around us.

Emmarose, out of interest no, the past doesn't really seem much different than the "now." Fashions are simply recycled, hairstyles, less friendliness in the world, more concern about violence and no one seems to have seen a real live chicken, let alone plucked the feathers off a dead one, but our lives are simply that. We become a part of history...and to a reader that's not such a bad place to be. Yours, Lenora

Enjoy your visit with your father....as a matter of fact, enjoy what you can of your life. You too, @sunshine44. It's all an illusion anyway! Yours, Lenora
 
@lenora thanks I can't wait to see him and sunshine has taught me about pulsing... Seems a great idea..
I'm all for humour but sometimes it's difficult to translate on here...
Saying your loop do loop about what?

My experience is the past is v different to now but I do get what your saying...
Different scenery similar props....

I like life changes it's what makes it interesting and why I moved around a lot...
Now I'm loving calm and stable.... Who would have thought!
 
HI Emma....I was referring to the first sentence of your post of Sunday evening. (2 above, I believe).

I hope you really like your new abode. What did the hospital report? Lenora
 

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sunshine44
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