I am in a bad way. Beyond bad. It is that time of month.
The time of month when I stare at the wall because I can't concentrate. The time of month when I want my shelf life to be up. I can't talk myself out of it. I want out.
Everything bothers me. Things I could tolerate, I now can't.
No one told me there would be perimenopause. No one said what that was. I can't find others with CFS who have dealt with or who deal with what I deal with when I am due.
I think of suicide. I have no energy, no desire. I am not scared. I am wasted. Things that I thought I was over...past hurts, roll in to hurt me again. I am not over anything. I feel nuts.
I came down with another infection. A cold/flu/mycoplasma. Who knows. I have been sick for 2 weeks with never ending snot and a few days of a fever and now it's in my chest. I go for an x-ray tomorrow. I have never been as sick as I have been this year. NEVER.
And now this. This menstrual cycle that brings me to my knees every month with no end because I cannot take hormones, I am allergic to all antidepressants and I feel like is this my life? Is this how it will be now that I am almost 40 and for the rest of my days, I will be devoid of a sex drive, devoid of the hope that I had because this new phase of my life has sucked it out of me?
Will I forever be hung up on an ex boyfriend because this cycle with its ebbs and flows brings him back into my mind again? And why? Because this illness isolates me so that I can't get out. I can't meet new people. I can't live. An emotionally abusive boyfriend...who if I was well, I would have dropped like a hot potato. But because I am sick and vulnerable and needy because I am so alone...ALL THE TIME...I am now nuts.
I have no family to call. I want someone to be here. To sit with me. I cannot call anyone. I am too messed up.
CFS has done this. I can't get it out of my head how my life has become this. And how it may never change and could get worse. And therapy. Why? When these hormones take over, I can't think straight to put things into perspective. Therapy would go in one ear and out the other.
I suffer. By myself. As usual. With no medicine to make it better because I don't respond to medicines. They make me more sick.
I will not call a suicide hotline. They will not understand and that is part of my depression. They will not understand. Most people don't or won't. I feel like a freak.
I am sorry for this. For writing this on a public forum. I am that despondent.
I will not end my life. I don't know how and I am too scared I would mess up.
I feel hopeless.
The time of month when I stare at the wall because I can't concentrate. The time of month when I want my shelf life to be up. I can't talk myself out of it. I want out.
Everything bothers me. Things I could tolerate, I now can't.
No one told me there would be perimenopause. No one said what that was. I can't find others with CFS who have dealt with or who deal with what I deal with when I am due.
I think of suicide. I have no energy, no desire. I am not scared. I am wasted. Things that I thought I was over...past hurts, roll in to hurt me again. I am not over anything. I feel nuts.
I came down with another infection. A cold/flu/mycoplasma. Who knows. I have been sick for 2 weeks with never ending snot and a few days of a fever and now it's in my chest. I go for an x-ray tomorrow. I have never been as sick as I have been this year. NEVER.
And now this. This menstrual cycle that brings me to my knees every month with no end because I cannot take hormones, I am allergic to all antidepressants and I feel like is this my life? Is this how it will be now that I am almost 40 and for the rest of my days, I will be devoid of a sex drive, devoid of the hope that I had because this new phase of my life has sucked it out of me?
Will I forever be hung up on an ex boyfriend because this cycle with its ebbs and flows brings him back into my mind again? And why? Because this illness isolates me so that I can't get out. I can't meet new people. I can't live. An emotionally abusive boyfriend...who if I was well, I would have dropped like a hot potato. But because I am sick and vulnerable and needy because I am so alone...ALL THE TIME...I am now nuts.
I have no family to call. I want someone to be here. To sit with me. I cannot call anyone. I am too messed up.
CFS has done this. I can't get it out of my head how my life has become this. And how it may never change and could get worse. And therapy. Why? When these hormones take over, I can't think straight to put things into perspective. Therapy would go in one ear and out the other.
I suffer. By myself. As usual. With no medicine to make it better because I don't respond to medicines. They make me more sick.
I will not call a suicide hotline. They will not understand and that is part of my depression. They will not understand. Most people don't or won't. I feel like a freak.
I am sorry for this. For writing this on a public forum. I am that despondent.
I will not end my life. I don't know how and I am too scared I would mess up.
I feel hopeless.