When i was a little girl, i used to love my paternal grandparents house. They were the sweetest italian grandparents. I have such love for them. My grandfather was so proud and saved his hard earned money being a pharmacist and my grandmother tended loved and cared for 8 beautiful children. It was quite an accomplishment for my grandfather. His entire family was in the mafia and he was one of two in the family to choose a different lifestyle for us. A better way. My memories recall the house as being large but it wasn't. One bathroom for 10 people. A tiny kitchen. A tiny library the size of a bathroom off the kitchen. I remember their avocado green 60's floors. I have found myself many times on good nights going here in dreams and then i will close my eyes and go there during the daytime sometimes too. I see myself in dreams as a young girl of 7 or 8 in my white communion dress and grandma has an apron on and is baking the best homeade bread and minestrone soup. My grandfather is reading his paper at the amber wooden dining set. I see myself dancing to this song, Ave Maria....i twirl into their living room and see the corner swedish fireplace, so simple so cozy. So much love.
I was the oldest of 17 grandchildren. I remember when grandpa passed away, i stayed with grandma sometimes as she eased into living alone. I remember her 70's floral pastel bedspread. The sun shining with a pause through their window. The picture of my father and aunts and uncles on her dresser. I loved eating popcorn and watching disney movies like Sleeping Beauty with grandma. I could eat anything back then. Anything. I could walk. I could bathe myself....
This song plays in my head often when i think of them. For years. It connects me to the formless world in ways that are hard to describe. Grandma died the year i became bedridden in 2017. I couldn't see her. I couldn't tend to her. I did get to spend time with her the two years prior with my baby daughter. For this, i am grateful. I know she knows now why i couldn't be there in the end. She now sees limitations in my body that are invisible to the modern human eye. I did push hard one March day as i was collapsing. It was March 2017 and i always loved to go to a nature preserve and see the blooming magnolias. Me, my children, my father and husband were able to take her. How blessed am i? I got to go see my last and her last magnolia blossoms...with her and my children. I remember i had very little strength and much fear of what was happening to my body. Trying to hide and push through whatever it was that Drs said was nothing. She had her walker and i remember her saying i want to walk on the trail and see them. And i said, lets go grandma. As if some part of me knew it would be my last walk and hers down this path. My father became adamant that her body couldn't walk this, it wasn't safe, no, he said. Looking at me sternly. She had many falls and he was rightfully so protecting her. We were only walking but maybe 50? feet I looked at her and she had the will of a child and my little girl was a magical 2 year old and my grandmas eyes were sooooo lit up. Her children kept her in a safe protected space for years. Minimal trees. Very suburban. No forests etc. She came alive in that forest and i got to witness it. She defied my father and took her walker as i walked close to her and we went. It was risky. Yes. But she was willing to take this risk. I was willing to support her taking that risk. Because the medicine of a forest could not be measured in a vial. And she knew her increasing days in a hospital and nursing home were but moments away. She knew. I knew. And we looked up and saw these beautiful pink blooms. And yellow. And her jaw dropped. She didn't speak. She was speechless. She kept pushing her walker on this trail and taking each blossom in. Like she was free again. I've never witnessed anything like it. Surprisingly her body did better than mine and i quickly needed a bench as i was losing strength and lung power quickly. But i will never forget this day. Ever.
This song reminds me of her. And my grandpa. The 1940 Schubert version from Fantasia, often makes me think how we are each holding those lights, walking through a forest that leads to a formless world eventually. We each end up there when the time is upon us and no sooner. I lost both my grandparents this week years ago and then losing Miss C. this week has me now imagining her march into the ether. It really is a beautiful life, despite it all.
I recently did some solo fundraising for a new ME/CFS/CIRS/Lyme Dr. i am to see. I had never asked my extended family for a donation, ever. But this time round i decided to, the stakes are big. My adrenals (and other things) need serious help. I'm routinely turned away from medical care in my area. Three primary care physicians since 2020 have rejected my case despite pleas from patient advocates and medical advocates. A hospice nurse friend said she wants lawyers involved but who knows at this point. I hardly have that fight in me in such a broken system. Already two lawyers haven't even returned her and i's phone calls. Sometimes, it seems a certain way is set for me as the obstacles are quite astonishing. This seems one of my only options at this point (this Dr). So, i sent out messages. Simple, factual, to the point, describing what will be occurring. The cost of the bloodwork etc. Do you know out of 35 family members, one donated? ONE. My father. These were aunts and uncles and cousins i was quite fond of and close with for years. I would hand make lavender neck pillows for them certain years and bake them special birthday cakes and babysit their children and so many things. It seems, when my situation became too messy, my body needed more assistance than could be fathomed.... It seems, it was easier for most of them to leave me as a leper. I occasionally get texts a few times a year from an aunt or two cousins that they will visit me, never have...that they pray for me....that they will call me....never do. I do not hold resentment towards them. But being the kind of person i am and was with them, i'm rather floored at times at their mass abandonment of me. So much self focus these days. I can't help but imagine my grandparents envisioned a different kind of family in some ways back when their floor was avocado. Ah, well. C'est la vie.
sunshine
I was the oldest of 17 grandchildren. I remember when grandpa passed away, i stayed with grandma sometimes as she eased into living alone. I remember her 70's floral pastel bedspread. The sun shining with a pause through their window. The picture of my father and aunts and uncles on her dresser. I loved eating popcorn and watching disney movies like Sleeping Beauty with grandma. I could eat anything back then. Anything. I could walk. I could bathe myself....
This song plays in my head often when i think of them. For years. It connects me to the formless world in ways that are hard to describe. Grandma died the year i became bedridden in 2017. I couldn't see her. I couldn't tend to her. I did get to spend time with her the two years prior with my baby daughter. For this, i am grateful. I know she knows now why i couldn't be there in the end. She now sees limitations in my body that are invisible to the modern human eye. I did push hard one March day as i was collapsing. It was March 2017 and i always loved to go to a nature preserve and see the blooming magnolias. Me, my children, my father and husband were able to take her. How blessed am i? I got to go see my last and her last magnolia blossoms...with her and my children. I remember i had very little strength and much fear of what was happening to my body. Trying to hide and push through whatever it was that Drs said was nothing. She had her walker and i remember her saying i want to walk on the trail and see them. And i said, lets go grandma. As if some part of me knew it would be my last walk and hers down this path. My father became adamant that her body couldn't walk this, it wasn't safe, no, he said. Looking at me sternly. She had many falls and he was rightfully so protecting her. We were only walking but maybe 50? feet I looked at her and she had the will of a child and my little girl was a magical 2 year old and my grandmas eyes were sooooo lit up. Her children kept her in a safe protected space for years. Minimal trees. Very suburban. No forests etc. She came alive in that forest and i got to witness it. She defied my father and took her walker as i walked close to her and we went. It was risky. Yes. But she was willing to take this risk. I was willing to support her taking that risk. Because the medicine of a forest could not be measured in a vial. And she knew her increasing days in a hospital and nursing home were but moments away. She knew. I knew. And we looked up and saw these beautiful pink blooms. And yellow. And her jaw dropped. She didn't speak. She was speechless. She kept pushing her walker on this trail and taking each blossom in. Like she was free again. I've never witnessed anything like it. Surprisingly her body did better than mine and i quickly needed a bench as i was losing strength and lung power quickly. But i will never forget this day. Ever.
This song reminds me of her. And my grandpa. The 1940 Schubert version from Fantasia, often makes me think how we are each holding those lights, walking through a forest that leads to a formless world eventually. We each end up there when the time is upon us and no sooner. I lost both my grandparents this week years ago and then losing Miss C. this week has me now imagining her march into the ether. It really is a beautiful life, despite it all.
I recently did some solo fundraising for a new ME/CFS/CIRS/Lyme Dr. i am to see. I had never asked my extended family for a donation, ever. But this time round i decided to, the stakes are big. My adrenals (and other things) need serious help. I'm routinely turned away from medical care in my area. Three primary care physicians since 2020 have rejected my case despite pleas from patient advocates and medical advocates. A hospice nurse friend said she wants lawyers involved but who knows at this point. I hardly have that fight in me in such a broken system. Already two lawyers haven't even returned her and i's phone calls. Sometimes, it seems a certain way is set for me as the obstacles are quite astonishing. This seems one of my only options at this point (this Dr). So, i sent out messages. Simple, factual, to the point, describing what will be occurring. The cost of the bloodwork etc. Do you know out of 35 family members, one donated? ONE. My father. These were aunts and uncles and cousins i was quite fond of and close with for years. I would hand make lavender neck pillows for them certain years and bake them special birthday cakes and babysit their children and so many things. It seems, when my situation became too messy, my body needed more assistance than could be fathomed.... It seems, it was easier for most of them to leave me as a leper. I occasionally get texts a few times a year from an aunt or two cousins that they will visit me, never have...that they pray for me....that they will call me....never do. I do not hold resentment towards them. But being the kind of person i am and was with them, i'm rather floored at times at their mass abandonment of me. So much self focus these days. I can't help but imagine my grandparents envisioned a different kind of family in some ways back when their floor was avocado. Ah, well. C'est la vie.
sunshine