One of my dearest friends passed from this world this weekend.
So, yeah, proceed with caution.
I feel like i want to scream her existence from the rooftops. That she mattered. So much. That she felt incredibly invisible until recently. She was one of the most beautiful humans i ever met and i barely even met her...because i have been so sick for our entire friendship. She had lyme disease and our mutual Dr in 2018 introduced us since he was out of ideas for two of his worst lyme cases. Little did he realize, he connected two people that bonded in ways i could never imagine. She loved me and i her, so much. She was my parents age and i was one of her daughters age. She had been cast aside and invisible and all the other things so many of us go through with this illness. Unable to go to grandchildrens events, unable to fully participate in life. Scorned and guilted for years by her children, siblings, etc just like myself with my parents etc. Housebound the entire 5 years i knew year. She had a bit more freedom that me so she would send me pictures of her garden when she could walk the steps outside. She told me of her whole life and i her. In recent weeks right before she entered hospice, she thanked me and said you are the only person that gets the ugly me. The beautifully messed up ugly me i can't show anyone else. I never knew she felt that way about me because she had amazing etiquette and we were mostly lifting each other.
She had plans. She wanted to do many, many things until she became very ill in 2015, just like me coincidentally. She owned a farm with a tiny bakery and she had all these plans to open a tea room one day and i was going to go there and we were going to bake pies together....and i love her. I really really loved her. I will always love her. I never really knew her not suffering yet she was one of the most beautiful, light filled humans i ever met. She came here once in 2018 and once in 2019. She loved me so much. She could barely walk for long but she wanted to come see me. To kiss my head. A head that hasn't been properly bathed in years. A head that most likely was in terrible episodes the whole night before and i lay here unable to speak but a few words the last time she came in 2019. She was pure love. She knew i would never make it to her home. And she said, i love you. She said you are going to get stronger. You are going to do this. Her husband stood behind her. These selfless human beings. Witnessing a human being in shambles that no one at the time could properly care for because they were never trained for such things. And she took this human and loved me. Every part of me. And she gave me wings. Her love gave me wings. She saw my light where so many others saw my demise and fall.
I thank God for that woman, always.
My husband left town for the Thanksgiving weekend to go see a football game out of state. I am no stranger to solitude but i feel incredibly sad and raw tonight. I am alone with my daughter and need to get some of this deep grief out in a safe space. I just....need her earthly existence to know how loved she was. She was never ever forgotten even though she felt so for so many years with this invisible illness. I hope she felt my love throughout some of her darkness. I am grateful her children finally came to be by her side in her last months.
She would always sing to me "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray..."...she sent me a snow globe once that sings the song too. No, she doesn't know my screen name here or anything about this group. i hope i always told her what a bright light she was to me. I hope she knew how loved she was. I hope she knew our dreams helped keep her and i alive though dark times.
i love you, Miss C.
I know you are in the arms
of a thousand angels tonight,
you earth angel.
So, yeah, proceed with caution.
I feel like i want to scream her existence from the rooftops. That she mattered. So much. That she felt incredibly invisible until recently. She was one of the most beautiful humans i ever met and i barely even met her...because i have been so sick for our entire friendship. She had lyme disease and our mutual Dr in 2018 introduced us since he was out of ideas for two of his worst lyme cases. Little did he realize, he connected two people that bonded in ways i could never imagine. She loved me and i her, so much. She was my parents age and i was one of her daughters age. She had been cast aside and invisible and all the other things so many of us go through with this illness. Unable to go to grandchildrens events, unable to fully participate in life. Scorned and guilted for years by her children, siblings, etc just like myself with my parents etc. Housebound the entire 5 years i knew year. She had a bit more freedom that me so she would send me pictures of her garden when she could walk the steps outside. She told me of her whole life and i her. In recent weeks right before she entered hospice, she thanked me and said you are the only person that gets the ugly me. The beautifully messed up ugly me i can't show anyone else. I never knew she felt that way about me because she had amazing etiquette and we were mostly lifting each other.
She had plans. She wanted to do many, many things until she became very ill in 2015, just like me coincidentally. She owned a farm with a tiny bakery and she had all these plans to open a tea room one day and i was going to go there and we were going to bake pies together....and i love her. I really really loved her. I will always love her. I never really knew her not suffering yet she was one of the most beautiful, light filled humans i ever met. She came here once in 2018 and once in 2019. She loved me so much. She could barely walk for long but she wanted to come see me. To kiss my head. A head that hasn't been properly bathed in years. A head that most likely was in terrible episodes the whole night before and i lay here unable to speak but a few words the last time she came in 2019. She was pure love. She knew i would never make it to her home. And she said, i love you. She said you are going to get stronger. You are going to do this. Her husband stood behind her. These selfless human beings. Witnessing a human being in shambles that no one at the time could properly care for because they were never trained for such things. And she took this human and loved me. Every part of me. And she gave me wings. Her love gave me wings. She saw my light where so many others saw my demise and fall.
I thank God for that woman, always.
My husband left town for the Thanksgiving weekend to go see a football game out of state. I am no stranger to solitude but i feel incredibly sad and raw tonight. I am alone with my daughter and need to get some of this deep grief out in a safe space. I just....need her earthly existence to know how loved she was. She was never ever forgotten even though she felt so for so many years with this invisible illness. I hope she felt my love throughout some of her darkness. I am grateful her children finally came to be by her side in her last months.
She would always sing to me "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray..."...she sent me a snow globe once that sings the song too. No, she doesn't know my screen name here or anything about this group. i hope i always told her what a bright light she was to me. I hope she knew how loved she was. I hope she knew our dreams helped keep her and i alive though dark times.
i love you, Miss C.
I know you are in the arms
of a thousand angels tonight,
you earth angel.
