I had some not so great weeks a bit ago. Its funny how things work like that. You come to your edge....and when you truly let go, the edge seems to many times, provide new turf. New life. Beginnings you didn't see possible. If you stay looking with your head over your shoulder at what was....then you remain there. Then you can easily become a prisoner of the past. You can't see now...because you aren't in the now. Its hard to welcome what will be, when you keep thinking of what could have been.
This week, my friends 13 year old niece entered my life and she has mostly stayed by my side from dawn to dusk. We seem to be buddies. She loves cleaning and cooking and being a nanny. These are all things i could use great assistance with as you know. Lo and behold this girl just shows up....out of the blue. She has helped me clean SO much this week to cook and prep for my future to come for the rest of the summer with my daughter. To say i am grateful, would be an understatement. I recognize this as the divine intervention that it is. I am humbled. I am thankful. My friend is humbled. God works in mysterious ways.
Then, my husbands family decided to come this weekend. Eight of them. They are staying with us. I am seeing people i have not seen in quite some time. They all seem to like me quite a bit, possibly much more than my own family, lol. It has been amazing to see my sister in law and meet my 2 1/2 year old nephew for the first time and have my 14 year old twin niece and nephew visit with me and tell me all about their lives for hours. My mother in law keeps coming in for visits. Much more than my own mother. Its all so strange. So timely. Today, i told my niece how much i've missed all of them. Our last trip together, her and i were supposed to make these handwoven grass bowls on the beach but we didn't fully master it...it was 2016. She said Aunt Sunshine, i still think of this. I told her how i often think of it too. So, we are going to make our grass bowls when i am a bit stronger.
You see, there is love. It turns out i am loved. Underneath the tremendous pain and trauma and chaos....there is always love, it seems. Rearing its head right as i am ready to succumb to the depression and associated darkness this illness can instigate.
I closed my eyes today. I saw myself on the edge of a cliff. The sun was setting and the water below me still. This song played in my head as i stood on this cliff looking out.
It made me love
It made me love
It made me
Love more
Uh, oh, oh-oh
It made love
More
Do what she said
The words she said left out
Over unto the sky where I'll soon fly
And she took the time
To believe in
To believe in
What she said and
Love
She made me love
She made me love
She made me
Love more
And i was standing there eyes closed. I could see the indescribable pain of missing 5 years of my son and daughters lives, i could feel the destroyed relationships from an illness completely misunderstood, i saw the relationships and connections that were thriving, fail and i felt it all. .....:: She made me love MORE ::.......
Through all of this unbearable pain, in that moment i transmuted it all into love. I felt such immense love in my heart for all of these people doing their best from their levels of consciousness and abiding by what society has taught them about me and my condition. The sadness they each differently feel in their hearts over me. I loved each of them in my mind. More. harder....and then some more. I felt nothing but love. It doesn't erase the pain. It doesn't erase all the heartache. But it does remind me i can be a powerful alchemiser at times.
When i completely break open.
When the pain and suffering is beyond and only keeps piling on....and i allow myself to fully break open. My red heart cracked and golden light immersed my entire being. It immersed all of my loved ones beingness. My husband. My parents. My siblings. The Drs. My children. My nieces and nephews. My friends i've lost and parted ways with. All of it broke open like a golden tsunami.
Because, no matter what happens.. i hope people remember,
"she made me love, more"
Through all the pain, all the anger, all the sadness, Because my daughter made me love more this month. Because i am grateful for all the love received. I am grateful for all the love given. I am grateful for the love those felt that was never received. I am grateful for all of it. Because my niece and i had this unspoken moment that bonds can never be broken, we can transform, all the time, as humans do....but the love underneath all of this physical tapestry we see, is so much more powerful than any of the immense suffering.
Hard to believe. But when you are finally broke open to that level, there is really nothing left. It is our tight grasps on anger, sadness, grief, jealousy, resentment that keep us locked in perpetual suffering. All of the things that could of been for me, that aren't. That were not to be. I let the tears cleanse my insides. I release expectation. I dance under the moons of absolute surrender to lifes's limitless possibilities.
Because, when i let go of what could have been, maybe what should be, will come in.
Because, i love you.
"She made me love,
She made me love,
Love more"
the song
This week, my friends 13 year old niece entered my life and she has mostly stayed by my side from dawn to dusk. We seem to be buddies. She loves cleaning and cooking and being a nanny. These are all things i could use great assistance with as you know. Lo and behold this girl just shows up....out of the blue. She has helped me clean SO much this week to cook and prep for my future to come for the rest of the summer with my daughter. To say i am grateful, would be an understatement. I recognize this as the divine intervention that it is. I am humbled. I am thankful. My friend is humbled. God works in mysterious ways.
Then, my husbands family decided to come this weekend. Eight of them. They are staying with us. I am seeing people i have not seen in quite some time. They all seem to like me quite a bit, possibly much more than my own family, lol. It has been amazing to see my sister in law and meet my 2 1/2 year old nephew for the first time and have my 14 year old twin niece and nephew visit with me and tell me all about their lives for hours. My mother in law keeps coming in for visits. Much more than my own mother. Its all so strange. So timely. Today, i told my niece how much i've missed all of them. Our last trip together, her and i were supposed to make these handwoven grass bowls on the beach but we didn't fully master it...it was 2016. She said Aunt Sunshine, i still think of this. I told her how i often think of it too. So, we are going to make our grass bowls when i am a bit stronger.
You see, there is love. It turns out i am loved. Underneath the tremendous pain and trauma and chaos....there is always love, it seems. Rearing its head right as i am ready to succumb to the depression and associated darkness this illness can instigate.
I closed my eyes today. I saw myself on the edge of a cliff. The sun was setting and the water below me still. This song played in my head as i stood on this cliff looking out.
It made me love
It made me love
It made me
Love more
Uh, oh, oh-oh
It made love
More
Do what she said
The words she said left out
Over unto the sky where I'll soon fly
And she took the time
To believe in
To believe in
What she said and
Love
She made me love
She made me love
She made me
Love more
And i was standing there eyes closed. I could see the indescribable pain of missing 5 years of my son and daughters lives, i could feel the destroyed relationships from an illness completely misunderstood, i saw the relationships and connections that were thriving, fail and i felt it all. .....:: She made me love MORE ::.......
Through all of this unbearable pain, in that moment i transmuted it all into love. I felt such immense love in my heart for all of these people doing their best from their levels of consciousness and abiding by what society has taught them about me and my condition. The sadness they each differently feel in their hearts over me. I loved each of them in my mind. More. harder....and then some more. I felt nothing but love. It doesn't erase the pain. It doesn't erase all the heartache. But it does remind me i can be a powerful alchemiser at times.
When i completely break open.
When the pain and suffering is beyond and only keeps piling on....and i allow myself to fully break open. My red heart cracked and golden light immersed my entire being. It immersed all of my loved ones beingness. My husband. My parents. My siblings. The Drs. My children. My nieces and nephews. My friends i've lost and parted ways with. All of it broke open like a golden tsunami.
Because, no matter what happens.. i hope people remember,
"she made me love, more"
Through all the pain, all the anger, all the sadness, Because my daughter made me love more this month. Because i am grateful for all the love received. I am grateful for all the love given. I am grateful for the love those felt that was never received. I am grateful for all of it. Because my niece and i had this unspoken moment that bonds can never be broken, we can transform, all the time, as humans do....but the love underneath all of this physical tapestry we see, is so much more powerful than any of the immense suffering.
Hard to believe. But when you are finally broke open to that level, there is really nothing left. It is our tight grasps on anger, sadness, grief, jealousy, resentment that keep us locked in perpetual suffering. All of the things that could of been for me, that aren't. That were not to be. I let the tears cleanse my insides. I release expectation. I dance under the moons of absolute surrender to lifes's limitless possibilities.
Because, when i let go of what could have been, maybe what should be, will come in.
Because, i love you.
"She made me love,
She made me love,
Love more"
the song
