(An extract from my diary early August 2009, with a few words of explanation tacked on)
Pain & Suffering.
In the early hours of last Wednesday morning (5th August), I awoke bathed in perspiration and drenched in the most unbelievable pain imaginable. This was it, I thought. This was the worst pain I had suffered in several years. It felt like I was in a torture chamber with an electric current ripping through my right hip, thigh, knee, shin and calf. I jerked and thrashed around in bed trying to escape the pain. I could feel tears welling in my eyes and reached down to try and gouge out the pain (which was worst in my calf) with my thumb. Most of my right foot was numb which was more than a little worrying. Two permanently numb toes, due to nerve damage, on my right foot were bad enough during the daytime, without the numb sensation in my whole foot.
I rolled out of bed and staggered madly around trying to escape the pain. I couldnt bear the pain. Why me? What had I done to deserve these bouts of excruciating pain and suffering? Its not fair, I thought. If I had descended any more into this well of pain, I might have got the kitchen knife and tried to cut it out. I managed to get a couple of strong analgesics, swallowed them with some water and got back into bed. I rolled & flew around beneath the bedclothes for some time - until I eventually fell asleep some hours later, the strong analgesics reducing the pain somewhat.
The next morning I awoke as usual, to the shrill sound of my alarm clock. Groggily & with more than the usual exhaustion, I flung back the tangled bed covers, did my usual roll, turn & fling my upper body upright. Severe hip and lumbar pain and overall stiffness made the shuffle to the bathroom the slow dance of the arthritic elderly. My mornings had been like this for about 4 years since I had a month off work with 3 slipped (or bulging) lumbar discs several years ago. A lumbar microdiscectomy 12 months ago had eased the worst of the sciatic pain, which had made sitting in my office chair all day a misery.
Slow gentle movement, a soak in a hot bath and a 15 minute walk to work eventually bring me to a normal upright appearance and moving reasonably easily, but a couple of months ago, the sciatic pain had re-emerged.
As long as I change position or get up from my office chair regularly, I can survive for the eight hour work day. If I sit too long, it is difficult to stand & walk. By the time I walk down my office corridor to the end, I can usually walk more normally, if not necessarily pain free.
Every time I sit in a low chair for any length of time at home, the difficulty in rising & excruciating pain in my lower back & right hip remind me that I should be sitting in a high, hard backed chair for lumbar support.
On the following Friday night, I chose one of the books off the new book pile at random and took it to bed for a change. I rarely read in bed, because although much warmer, I get very stiff without some firm back support.
I had struggled to read this small paperback entitled Being Zen- Bringing Meditation to Life by Ezra Bayda.
I just couldnt get into it.
Every time I picked it up over recent months, I had read a few pages, not really paying much attention, just skimming over the sentences in a mindless fashion.
Of course every time I picked up the book again, Id forgotten the content of what Id read previously.
I had been seduced by the review Bayda writes with exceptional clarity and simplicity about the awakened life. He has a gift for describing ordinary mind or the customary thoughts, feelings and experience of everyday life. With clarity and compassion, Bayda applies Zen Buddhist principles to everyday life. He explains how all experiences, both pleasant and unpleasant, help us to discover our path to wisdom and on open heart. Presented here are realistic suggestions to help us survive the journey
Ezra Bayda is a Zen teacher affiliated with the Ordinary Mind Zen School.. A student of meditation for more than thirty years, he live, writes, and teaches at the San Diego Zen Center in San Diego, California.
Anyway, on that Friday night, I opened the book to the next chapter indicated by my tattered bookmark. This lovely & well-used bookmark is of a Burmese manuscript on Buddhas first sermon on The Four Noble Truths that life is full of suffering. Its a beautiful & much treasured bookmark, like many of my collection but I didnt really need to be reminded that Life is Full of Suffering. I had had enough over recent years to understand every letter in every one of those five words.
How apt to use this particular bookmark (out of the dozens I have) to mark chapters about Fear, Pain & Suffering. I had never noticed that when I placed it there some months ago.
I wonder why I chose this bookmark on that particular day, to mark chapters about that subject.
Coincidence?
I was up to Chapter 9, so the bookmark indicated Practicing with Fear.
..The List of what were afraid of is very long. Our most basic fears include the fear of disease, the fear of pain, the fear of losing control and being helpless, and the fear of the unknown(& so on..) The strongest fear of all may be the fear of fear itself.
And so the chapter went on analyzing fear and how to deal with fear, and address the root of fear.
Then on to Chapter 10 Practicing with Pain and Suffering. And these words are straight from the book..
The days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months, and the pain and discomfort become more and more debilitating. The mind cries out for relief. Why is this happening to me? This is too much to bear. What will become of me? Naturally there is a great resistance to the physical pain and discomfort. And unmistakably there is suffering.
But how did the pain turn into suffering?
And what is actually happening in the moment?
Bayda goes on to talk about being one with the pain and understanding both our pain and suffering are truly our path, our teacher. Once we understand this and how it relates to our lives, we can begin to deal with the layers of pain and suffering that make up so much of our existence.
Bayda goes on with a description of an acute and prolonged relapse of his immune system disease and his feelings of anger, self-pity, depression and helplessness and how his meditation practice deals with these thoughts.
So, there it was Teachings on understanding pain and suffering. And more importantly, Bayda had an immune system disease which gave him the same feelings of anger, helplessness & self-pity
Two chapters which addressed my intense emotional distress and pain of the other night.
Lifes like that.
Coincidence, I mean.
A night of severe pain and suffering, and 3 days later, a random choice of reading material (from a dozen or so new books piled up beside my chair) and also, a bookmark on Life is Full of Suffering (from the Four Noble Truths).
Do you experience coincidences like this?
Victoria
Pain & Suffering.
In the early hours of last Wednesday morning (5th August), I awoke bathed in perspiration and drenched in the most unbelievable pain imaginable. This was it, I thought. This was the worst pain I had suffered in several years. It felt like I was in a torture chamber with an electric current ripping through my right hip, thigh, knee, shin and calf. I jerked and thrashed around in bed trying to escape the pain. I could feel tears welling in my eyes and reached down to try and gouge out the pain (which was worst in my calf) with my thumb. Most of my right foot was numb which was more than a little worrying. Two permanently numb toes, due to nerve damage, on my right foot were bad enough during the daytime, without the numb sensation in my whole foot.
I rolled out of bed and staggered madly around trying to escape the pain. I couldnt bear the pain. Why me? What had I done to deserve these bouts of excruciating pain and suffering? Its not fair, I thought. If I had descended any more into this well of pain, I might have got the kitchen knife and tried to cut it out. I managed to get a couple of strong analgesics, swallowed them with some water and got back into bed. I rolled & flew around beneath the bedclothes for some time - until I eventually fell asleep some hours later, the strong analgesics reducing the pain somewhat.
The next morning I awoke as usual, to the shrill sound of my alarm clock. Groggily & with more than the usual exhaustion, I flung back the tangled bed covers, did my usual roll, turn & fling my upper body upright. Severe hip and lumbar pain and overall stiffness made the shuffle to the bathroom the slow dance of the arthritic elderly. My mornings had been like this for about 4 years since I had a month off work with 3 slipped (or bulging) lumbar discs several years ago. A lumbar microdiscectomy 12 months ago had eased the worst of the sciatic pain, which had made sitting in my office chair all day a misery.
Slow gentle movement, a soak in a hot bath and a 15 minute walk to work eventually bring me to a normal upright appearance and moving reasonably easily, but a couple of months ago, the sciatic pain had re-emerged.
As long as I change position or get up from my office chair regularly, I can survive for the eight hour work day. If I sit too long, it is difficult to stand & walk. By the time I walk down my office corridor to the end, I can usually walk more normally, if not necessarily pain free.
Every time I sit in a low chair for any length of time at home, the difficulty in rising & excruciating pain in my lower back & right hip remind me that I should be sitting in a high, hard backed chair for lumbar support.
On the following Friday night, I chose one of the books off the new book pile at random and took it to bed for a change. I rarely read in bed, because although much warmer, I get very stiff without some firm back support.
I had struggled to read this small paperback entitled Being Zen- Bringing Meditation to Life by Ezra Bayda.
I just couldnt get into it.
Every time I picked it up over recent months, I had read a few pages, not really paying much attention, just skimming over the sentences in a mindless fashion.
Of course every time I picked up the book again, Id forgotten the content of what Id read previously.
I had been seduced by the review Bayda writes with exceptional clarity and simplicity about the awakened life. He has a gift for describing ordinary mind or the customary thoughts, feelings and experience of everyday life. With clarity and compassion, Bayda applies Zen Buddhist principles to everyday life. He explains how all experiences, both pleasant and unpleasant, help us to discover our path to wisdom and on open heart. Presented here are realistic suggestions to help us survive the journey
Ezra Bayda is a Zen teacher affiliated with the Ordinary Mind Zen School.. A student of meditation for more than thirty years, he live, writes, and teaches at the San Diego Zen Center in San Diego, California.
Anyway, on that Friday night, I opened the book to the next chapter indicated by my tattered bookmark. This lovely & well-used bookmark is of a Burmese manuscript on Buddhas first sermon on The Four Noble Truths that life is full of suffering. Its a beautiful & much treasured bookmark, like many of my collection but I didnt really need to be reminded that Life is Full of Suffering. I had had enough over recent years to understand every letter in every one of those five words.
How apt to use this particular bookmark (out of the dozens I have) to mark chapters about Fear, Pain & Suffering. I had never noticed that when I placed it there some months ago.
I wonder why I chose this bookmark on that particular day, to mark chapters about that subject.
Coincidence?
I was up to Chapter 9, so the bookmark indicated Practicing with Fear.
..The List of what were afraid of is very long. Our most basic fears include the fear of disease, the fear of pain, the fear of losing control and being helpless, and the fear of the unknown(& so on..) The strongest fear of all may be the fear of fear itself.
And so the chapter went on analyzing fear and how to deal with fear, and address the root of fear.
Then on to Chapter 10 Practicing with Pain and Suffering. And these words are straight from the book..
The days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months, and the pain and discomfort become more and more debilitating. The mind cries out for relief. Why is this happening to me? This is too much to bear. What will become of me? Naturally there is a great resistance to the physical pain and discomfort. And unmistakably there is suffering.
But how did the pain turn into suffering?
And what is actually happening in the moment?
Bayda goes on to talk about being one with the pain and understanding both our pain and suffering are truly our path, our teacher. Once we understand this and how it relates to our lives, we can begin to deal with the layers of pain and suffering that make up so much of our existence.
Bayda goes on with a description of an acute and prolonged relapse of his immune system disease and his feelings of anger, self-pity, depression and helplessness and how his meditation practice deals with these thoughts.
So, there it was Teachings on understanding pain and suffering. And more importantly, Bayda had an immune system disease which gave him the same feelings of anger, helplessness & self-pity
Two chapters which addressed my intense emotional distress and pain of the other night.
Lifes like that.
Coincidence, I mean.
A night of severe pain and suffering, and 3 days later, a random choice of reading material (from a dozen or so new books piled up beside my chair) and also, a bookmark on Life is Full of Suffering (from the Four Noble Truths).
Do you experience coincidences like this?
Victoria
