I am being tested. How far over the edge can Howard be pushed before he totally disintegrates… before he explodes into a blazing fireball of raging fury?
My roommate is seemingly a horrible human being. He's forever angry, hopelessly self-centered, and flatout mean. He's also an admitted manipulator (not a very good one) who regularly demeans the staff to get what he wants.
And he's just had his blood drawn at 4 flippin' a.m. .. and doesn't think twice about having the room lights left on afterwards for an indeterminate period of time…
Then there's the noise. Always the noise. From all directions. Encroaching upon me. Ceaseless. Unending. From him. From everywhere surrounding, generated always.
I NEED to make myself permanently deaf. Somehow. In a painless fashion. The noise is stressful. It's physically burdensome. It's hurting me. It's harmful. I cannot relax. My guard is up, constantly. My defenses fighting and battling this unseen intruder that permeates my being.
Why is it necessary that I be tortured in such a way? What is the plan here? Can this noise assault lead to a personal bettering, or possibly a medical cure? Perhaps I need to endure a full-bodied all out sonic saturation event to rid myself of my inner demons… not that I believe I actually have any.
Then again, three long beautiful hours being CT scanned in a hopelessly narrow tube amid deafening sonic booms, penetrating sound factions, and grinding gears had no discernible impact, besides it's uplifting aftermath… which has long since dissipated.
Lights, they're still on. On me they shine. Bulbs of everlasting beauty enliven me further in this wrecked state during these wretched hours where every first, last, and every soon to be expiring soul here, is pleasingly unconsciously unaware.
Did I write "enlivening" ..???
No. Perhaps something more akin to enraging.
Light, my enemy. Sound, my foe. Touch me gently instead. Make THIS alright. Make everything okay. Give me moments of plain, spare, nothingness, inside and out. I require calm loving. I crave deft ease through empathy. I seek out this peaceful realm, openly. There's no shame in admitting.
I am human, therefore I want. And through wanting, I suffer. I know this. I've done the math. Somehow, I must move beyond and past being human. But how is it that I attain such a state within my existing form?
Achieving nirvana amongst this carnage, this excess, that which is making every effort to consume me… to render me dead, both inside and out… well, that's the challenge. How is it that I may simply be? And why is it now so difficult… Why am I unable to let everything pass through me, as I once was?
Am I lacking Acceptance? Is that what this is?
Probably yes. Acceptance and Surrender. It's as simple as it sounds. I must let go. Fully. Totally. Yet still, I resist.
My roommate is human, too. And he's merely doing the best he can to avoid his own pain, the only way he knows how. And I am judging him. I have no right to do so. I need to see him as he truly is, a hurting, neglected child who is striking out in all directions, seeking his own salvation. And somehow, I need to accept him fully as he is. It's not he who is making me miserable, it is me.
My roommate is seemingly a horrible human being. He's forever angry, hopelessly self-centered, and flatout mean. He's also an admitted manipulator (not a very good one) who regularly demeans the staff to get what he wants.
And he's just had his blood drawn at 4 flippin' a.m. .. and doesn't think twice about having the room lights left on afterwards for an indeterminate period of time…
Then there's the noise. Always the noise. From all directions. Encroaching upon me. Ceaseless. Unending. From him. From everywhere surrounding, generated always.
I NEED to make myself permanently deaf. Somehow. In a painless fashion. The noise is stressful. It's physically burdensome. It's hurting me. It's harmful. I cannot relax. My guard is up, constantly. My defenses fighting and battling this unseen intruder that permeates my being.
Why is it necessary that I be tortured in such a way? What is the plan here? Can this noise assault lead to a personal bettering, or possibly a medical cure? Perhaps I need to endure a full-bodied all out sonic saturation event to rid myself of my inner demons… not that I believe I actually have any.
Then again, three long beautiful hours being CT scanned in a hopelessly narrow tube amid deafening sonic booms, penetrating sound factions, and grinding gears had no discernible impact, besides it's uplifting aftermath… which has long since dissipated.
Lights, they're still on. On me they shine. Bulbs of everlasting beauty enliven me further in this wrecked state during these wretched hours where every first, last, and every soon to be expiring soul here, is pleasingly unconsciously unaware.
Did I write "enlivening" ..???
No. Perhaps something more akin to enraging.
Light, my enemy. Sound, my foe. Touch me gently instead. Make THIS alright. Make everything okay. Give me moments of plain, spare, nothingness, inside and out. I require calm loving. I crave deft ease through empathy. I seek out this peaceful realm, openly. There's no shame in admitting.
I am human, therefore I want. And through wanting, I suffer. I know this. I've done the math. Somehow, I must move beyond and past being human. But how is it that I attain such a state within my existing form?
Achieving nirvana amongst this carnage, this excess, that which is making every effort to consume me… to render me dead, both inside and out… well, that's the challenge. How is it that I may simply be? And why is it now so difficult… Why am I unable to let everything pass through me, as I once was?
Am I lacking Acceptance? Is that what this is?
Probably yes. Acceptance and Surrender. It's as simple as it sounds. I must let go. Fully. Totally. Yet still, I resist.
My roommate is human, too. And he's merely doing the best he can to avoid his own pain, the only way he knows how. And I am judging him. I have no right to do so. I need to see him as he truly is, a hurting, neglected child who is striking out in all directions, seeking his own salvation. And somehow, I need to accept him fully as he is. It's not he who is making me miserable, it is me.
