October 6th, 2021
Please AVOID if emotional types of things put you in a bad place
Heart Health
Late at night is the worst. That's when this hurts most. I want to communicate with her directly. Badly. I am impatient. I want to know. Will my wife want me back?
I keep thinking that the longer I am out of sight, out of mind, the more likely it is that she'll realize I am not at all missed. But how can she NOT miss me?
This feels like a never-ending slow motion break-up, the kind where one person isn't willing to let go, keeps trying to convince the other to stay.. promising they'll change, and other such nonsense. And I am that person, the one (figuratively) begging for a second chance. Yet, there's nothing for me to change, and little to improve upon. I can promise nothing beyond the efforts I willingly give, within my limited energy envelope.
So I wait. My heart hurts above and beyond any physical pain I am currently suffering. Yes, I do have "people" experiences now.. staff in and out of my room throughout the day. But they are unaware of my suffering in this way. And if they were.. how would it matter? Is this the kind of suffering others make known?
When the sun comes across, I am okay. Fending off excess light, heat, and the incessant wall of sound requires a dedicated effort. And sometimes, intense focus. But in darkness, the hurt creeps back in. There's no avoiding, just a slow torturous pushing through. An emotional meandering.
Suffering is a choice. It's all about craving that which I cannot have. To relieve this craving, this wanting, I need to let go. But I cannot let go of a love relationship that hangs in the balance. It's not yet over.
I could imagine that my wife is caught up on an interplanetary transport, out of communications range indefinitely. And that maybe, possibly, I'll be reunited with her in this lifetime. Or, I won't be.
Or perhaps it's that I am imprisoned, without visitation rights. And a clean bill of health, a miraculous recovery, is the key to my escaping back into her arms.
Or perhaps I shall simply go through a daily rotation of imaginative scenarios. Plausible ideas. Implausible outcomes.
Okay then, be well…
H
P.S. COMING SOON - funner stuff -- yesterday's road trip, w/pictures!
Please AVOID if emotional types of things put you in a bad place
Heart Health
Late at night is the worst. That's when this hurts most. I want to communicate with her directly. Badly. I am impatient. I want to know. Will my wife want me back?
I keep thinking that the longer I am out of sight, out of mind, the more likely it is that she'll realize I am not at all missed. But how can she NOT miss me?
This feels like a never-ending slow motion break-up, the kind where one person isn't willing to let go, keeps trying to convince the other to stay.. promising they'll change, and other such nonsense. And I am that person, the one (figuratively) begging for a second chance. Yet, there's nothing for me to change, and little to improve upon. I can promise nothing beyond the efforts I willingly give, within my limited energy envelope.
So I wait. My heart hurts above and beyond any physical pain I am currently suffering. Yes, I do have "people" experiences now.. staff in and out of my room throughout the day. But they are unaware of my suffering in this way. And if they were.. how would it matter? Is this the kind of suffering others make known?
When the sun comes across, I am okay. Fending off excess light, heat, and the incessant wall of sound requires a dedicated effort. And sometimes, intense focus. But in darkness, the hurt creeps back in. There's no avoiding, just a slow torturous pushing through. An emotional meandering.
Suffering is a choice. It's all about craving that which I cannot have. To relieve this craving, this wanting, I need to let go. But I cannot let go of a love relationship that hangs in the balance. It's not yet over.
I could imagine that my wife is caught up on an interplanetary transport, out of communications range indefinitely. And that maybe, possibly, I'll be reunited with her in this lifetime. Or, I won't be.
Or perhaps it's that I am imprisoned, without visitation rights. And a clean bill of health, a miraculous recovery, is the key to my escaping back into her arms.
Or perhaps I shall simply go through a daily rotation of imaginative scenarios. Plausible ideas. Implausible outcomes.
Okay then, be well…
H
P.S. COMING SOON - funner stuff -- yesterday's road trip, w/pictures!
