As I close the year, Am I really doing better?

I have been thinking about my year and where I am at with CFS. I feel I have gotten out of the miserable state I was constantly in, that place where everything you do feels like torture, where you question how you can make it for another minute.

I mean I had suffer, the only word I can use to describe my CFS existence is pure agony. As I learn to do less, my quality of live improved (from a physical perspective) but that means to renounce to every comfort food, every enjoyable activity and even leaving the house most of the time. I had previously a pretty active social live and tones of extra activities. So in a way my live was better but is this "living"?

The random symptoms stopped, so I got a sense of improvement because I didn't have to figure out where all this random things comes from. BUT by now I have 3 autoimmune disease for the price of one: Colitis, CFS and POTs. So even though I don't have random stuff, the gravity of the things being diagnosed keeps getting worst. So Am I progressing or even getting better?

Another change at year 11 of CFS, is not only that I don't push as much is that the wall is closer. At the beginning I felt bad and I could keep going further I guess my wall is not as wide anymore. I crash easier and faster, like less ability to "push through it" before I loose consciousness and the trembling starts.

The big difference is, I can now sit without praying to GOD for 3 seconds, I mean I literally would say God just touch my heart and let be breath for 3 seconds so I can keep going. I mean when I look back I wonder how Am I still here. I would drop on my knees and say God you say you will not give more than I can take, look at me I cannot make it another second, pls give me 3 seconds is all I ask so I can keep going.

I just don't imagine how I really made it out of those days. I guess my current "suspended in time state" is better of that purgatory state I was in. At least I can sit still without suffering. But when all that is worth living for is gone, is life really better??????


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