Appointment? Canceled! Sigh.

No_more_pain;222420 said:
I had an appointment this morning to see an eye doctor. My glasses have sorely needed a new prescription for a good number of years now, but opportunity and money always seemed to be getting in the way of seeing that through. (See what I did there? "SEE" ? EHHH?? ... nevermind :D)

It's remarkable, really, how long I've been tolerating having a sub-standard prescription in my glasses. It's less noticeable when you're in your own home most of the time... but holy moley is it noticeable if I go out for any reason. Can't really make out street signs unless I'm sitting on top of them. Walking around a place like Target feels like I'm wading through an ocean of blurry cotton balls and garish piles of unidentifiable "stuff" until I'm nose to nose with it ("Why am I in kitchenwares? I thought these were DVDs...").

Lately, and with the advent of HD tv, I'm noticing myself scrunching up my face more (in an attempt to squint, I suppose) just to watch television. My brain knows it's supposed to be sharper than what I see... so my face starts automatically doing an impression of a Pekingese in order to see better.

And you know what? That's tiring! (and as if I need more reasons to be unattractive, this doesn't help... some people have "laugh lines"... I'll probably develop "scrunch lines")

My parents, as with most things, are helping me with this predicament. They know the doctor, set up the appointment, etc. But an all too familiar scenario played out this morning, that's just... ugh. For lack of a better word.

In a nutshell (bet you didn't see this coming!): I couldn't go.

I wasn't debilitated beyond all hope, but I just couldn't go. I had less than two hours of sleep last night; my left thigh was cramping for half the night. Seems to happen to me from time to time, these nighttime leg cramps. Sometimes it feels like I wake up (from the horrific pain) catching my limbs trying to change their shape into that of something else entirely. What had been my thigh, when I went to sleep, is now a pogo stick. Think: balloon animals, with all the twisting and squeaking, but 100% fewer clowns. And also more stifled screams.

It hasn't happened in a while, but it's been four nights running now, and I am just... wiped out. More than usual. Barely enough to get myself showered, dressed and flopped back down in a chair. Also my intestines feel like they're playing racquetball. That's not helping. I can't even tell who's winning in there.

I'm long-accustomed to having to cancel plans for these kinds of reasons, but the disappointment I feel, and the disappointment in others never fails to hit me right in the soul. Or if my soul had a stomach, maybe it's like hitting it there.

I broke the news to my mom early this morning that it was a "no go" and she just looked so... dejected. And then said "Can we pleeeeeease get your eyes taken care of this morning?" (yes, she said it like that) I didn't know how to articulate in that moment that "please" has nothing to do with it. And I came away feeling that even though it's my eyes that will have to wait on getting seen and helped, it was her I was disappointing.

This is why I'm ever hesitant to commit to any plans, for anything. This is why I always feel I have to add the caveat "if I'm feeling up to it" after any potential plan made.

This is one of the many many reasons why I wish I had a different life.

Or maybe a hundred million dollars. Then I can pay the doctors, the people, the entertainment to come to ME when the situation warranted it. :cool:

Sigh.

Thanks for reading.

~ NMP

Comments

sorry to hear that you had to cancel your appointment.. and ever sorrier to hear that you ended up feeling like you let someone down etc etc .

That's one of the bad things about this illness which those who dont have it or dont have it as badly, dont understand (my boyfriend included).. is that we end up carrying a huge emotional toil cause of others expectations put onto us which all just adds to how badly we all feel.

People expect things from us and we just cant live up to those expectations... it truely isnt a nice feeling at all.
 
I have the exact same problem, and totally relate to this.

One thing I tell myself to try to make myself feel a little better about it is that I am doing the right and good thing for my body and health by not pushing myself and forcing myself to go to something that I can't handle. I also know that my loved ones, well in my case my husband, would not be happy with the consequences (severe crash) and so I try to temper my disappointment in having to let others down by reminding myself of that.

Even if they think they want you to go, they would not be happy if it meant you were much worse for a long period because you went. Only you can tell what your body is telling you. They are thinking from the mindset of a healthy person who has the ability to push themselves without much or any harm and sometimes can't see that you can't do that even just a little much of the time. I think, in the end it's best for you and for loved ones that you take care of yourself and sometimes that means cancelling plans.

You did the right thing by not going, but I'm sorry you couldn't go. I had to cancel an appointment this week as well and I never commit to things anymore for the reason you mentioned. I hope you'll be able to get your prescription taken care of soon enough.
 
Dear NMP,

I'm sorry for your pain and lack of sleep and the disappointment when you couldn't keep the appointment.

My goal for 2012 is to get an eye exam. I've put it off for more than 15 years for some of the same reasons you write about.

Thanks for writing this. Many interesting sentences. I especially like: "Think: balloon animals, with all the twisting and squeaking, but 100% fewer clowns."
 
taniaaust1;bt6079 said:
sorry to hear that you had to cancel your appointment.. and ever sorrier to hear that you ended up feeling like you let someone down etc etc .

That's one of the bad things about this illness which those who dont have it or dont have it as badly, dont understand (my boyfriend included).. is that we end up carrying a huge emotional toil cause of others expectations put onto us which all just adds to how badly we all feel.

People expect things from us and we just cant live up to those expectations... it truely isnt a nice feeling at all.
Thank you for reading and commenting. You said it very well, whereas I just put some kind of goofy spin on it. It's definitely an aspect of being unwell that I have struggled with a lot over the years, especially since I've pretty much lived with my family for this entire time. The general situation comes up often. Missed many family gatherings, events, day trips, etc. and always came away feeling like I disappointed others, more, by declining, than how disappointed I was for missing out.
 
Ocean;bt6082 said:
I have the exact same problem, and totally relate to this.

One thing I tell myself to try to make myself feel a little better about it is that I am doing the right and good thing for my body and health by not pushing myself and forcing myself to go to something that I can't handle. I also know that my loved ones, well in my case my husband, would not be happy with the consequences (severe crash) and so I try to temper my disappointment in having to let others down by reminding myself of that.

Even if they think they want you to go, they would not be happy if it meant you were much worse for a long period because you went. Only you can tell what your body is telling you. They are thinking from the mindset of a healthy person who has the ability to push themselves without much or any harm and sometimes can't see that you can't do that even just a little much of the time. I think, in the end it's best for you and for loved ones that you take care of yourself and sometimes that means cancelling plans.

You did the right thing by not going, but I'm sorry you couldn't go. I had to cancel an appointment this week as well and I never commit to things anymore for the reason you mentioned. I hope you'll be able to get your prescription taken care of soon enough.
Wow, such kind & thoughtful words. Thank you for reading, Ocean.

That's a real struggle for me - determining that "I am doing this for me, doing this to be better (or less... worse... to phrase it poorly)" rather than "I'm letting me/them down," etc. Intellectually, I'm completely on board, but emotionally... not so much. I lead with my heart far too frequently, it seems.

Better than leading with my spleen. Not sure what would happen, then!

Also, I find it somewhat demoralizing to realize that after this many years, many of the people closest to me still don't really seem to comprehend what it is I deal with.
 
Merry;bt6083 said:
Dear NMP,

I'm sorry for your pain and lack of sleep and the disappointment when you couldn't keep the appointment.

My goal for 2012 is to get an eye exam. I've put it off for more than 15 years for some of the same reasons you write about.

Thanks for writing this. Many interesting sentences. I especially like: "Think: balloon animals, with all the twisting and squeaking, but 100% fewer clowns."
Thank you for reading and commenting, Merry.

Looks like 2012 will be The Year of the Eyes (which dethrones the previous title, Year of the Mayan Apocalypse)!

And thank you for the compliment--that was a compliment, right? I realize as I type this that "interesting" in the Chinese-proverb-context might not exactly be a compliment.... so there's some wiggle room for interpretation!
 
I totally relate No More Pain. I have slowly started accepting that most people don't get it and that it's my job to look out for me even if the choices I make make no sense to, or are misunderstood by, the outside world. My husband does get it so I'm really lucky to have that but outside of him maybe one friend really understands (which, after seeing how little others get it, is sort of miraculous when I think about it how well she gets and how easily and quickly she understood the situation, maybe because she has an ill person close to her so she has more experience with chronic health issues and disability).

It's nice when people at least try to learn more and try to understand. Many don't unfortunately. It is sad to think when we turn down things that people may not understand what that feels like to us and why we have to do it. Still we have to do it in order to, as you say, not feel even worse. I know I don't always understand other people's situation totally well either, so I try to remind myself they are the same way except my issues are much more foreign to them so it's magnified much more.

Either way, none of that makes the sad reality of all the things you describe any better, just sometimes makes it easier to cope. I'm praying that all of us going through this find improvement in our situations and more understanding of and from those we care about as well. It's not easy!
 
No_more_pain;bt6089 said:
And thank you for the compliment--that was a compliment, right? I realize as I type this that "interesting" in the Chinese-proverb-context might not exactly be a compliment.... so there's some wiggle room for interpretation!
Of course I meant 'interesting" as a compliment. I liked various turns of phrase and your use of metaphor and your wit.

I'm not familiar with "interesting" in the Chinese-proverb-context. Maybe I used to know, but now my mind is blank.
 
Thanks for your blogs. I've been reading them, I just don't have a lot of intelligent comment right now. I as well, enjoyed many of your descriptions. I'm very myopic so I can get the description of the world through inadequate glasses!

Welcome here!
 
Thanks for the welcome, L'engle - and thank you for reading. Also, I blasted those duplicate postings away, so no worries there. :)
 
Excellent! Also, you probably know this trick but if you look through one of the holes on a watch strap you can see about 1% of the world around you very clearly. People may wonder why you have a watch strap held up to your eye though. :p
 
Hah! Yeah - I've gotten into the habit (which probably looks pretty strange to others) of curling my index/pointer finger and looking through the tiny "hole" it forms. Same principle. Except instead of holding a timepiece to my face, I'm inexplicably giving the world the "okay" hand gesture from eye-level.
 
L'engle & No More -

Great advice! So when I go to get my driver's license renewed next year and have to take an eye exam at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles, I can peer through the hole of a watch strap with one eye and through the "okay" of thumb and finger with my other eye.

Thanks! Such an inexpensive and easy solution to my problem.
 
Hey, L'engle, still interested in that roadtrip to Lima, Ohio? Me at the wheel, watch strap to one eye and thumb and finger - okay! - to the other eye? Still got that helmet you wore during the earthquake?
 
Hahahah! Yes Merry! We are on for Lima, now that you are equipped with your 'talisman'! Thanks for the great idea, NMP. To fill you in, Merry had a dream about some of us taking a road trip to Lima, Ohio. There was recently a minor earthquake near where I live so I keep a bike helmet nearby, for whatever good it may do. Merry is an awesome driver!
 
NMPain, sorry to inform you that your blog has now been hijacked. Here you go! Baby in the backseat!
 
Okay, well I'll just turn the wheel over to the both you, so to speak, and I'll head over here to my corner. . .
 

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