And a free blindfold

‘’Bejesus Mary, there’s a shaggy Himalayan Yeti making his way down your garden path.’’

That is Mrs Parker my neighbour, belting out her concerns on the dividing walls of our Victorian Terrace.
I took a quick look out of my window and saw that what she thought was a Yeti, was in fact my Graded Exercise Therapist, Gandalf Wessely.

It was said about him that he was fearless even travelling to Afghanistan wearing only his underpants. So it came as some surprise to me when, upon hearing a car back fire, he thrust himself into the loins of the unsuspecting Peter White.

‘’that’s why they call him Dirty Harry……’’

Having composed himself, straightened his glasses, and powdered his ego, he walked down my garden path like a Headmaster walking into his school yard.
Suddenly and much to my amazement the Wessely started throwing out some shapes, body popping, eyes bulging with energy, arms flailing in all directions like an aerobics class in fast forward.

Perhaps those of you who doubt the effectiveness of GET should have seen this. The effusion of energy was enough to power the whole street. It was amazing and I couldn’t wait for my first Therapy lesson to begin. Oh Ye of little faith. It was only then that I realized……..Wessely had caught his Stethoscope on the honeysuckle that embraced the arching trellis. He wasn’t dancing he was asphyxiating.

Peter White dropped his warm milk and cookies and saved him, though he stopped short of administering mouth to mouth, citing health and safety issues ( his health and his safety )

Wessely was furious, blaming it all on a conspiracy, and an attempt on his life. He reported the honeysuckle to the police, and much to my surprise the honeysuckle was arrested, though later released without charge.

Wessely then said Dr Lipkin’s talk of bacteria and fungi was misleading, In response a local fungus that asked not to be named said, ‘’we don’t even exist anymore. The place has gone downhill since the foreigners came over. The streptococcus lot are the worst. They come over here, take our women, steal our jobs; they make me sick.’’

Wessely made his way into the door and revealed a giant hamster wheel. Ten minutes later I was making my way round….and round…and round.

I told Wessely I was in excruciating pain, that I was about to die, to which he replied, ‘’do you want to get better or not’’.

I let out one last effort, and with it, a blood curdling scream that shattered his glasses and left me lying prostrate over the hamster wheel.

‘’Bejesus Mary what are you doing in there. Are you losing your virginity, would you like me to fetch Father O’Malley’’.

Wessely left, ( I think I signed something but I was too tired to ask what it was ) He made his way down the garden path, swotting the honeysuckle as he went ( which rebounded and slapped him across his chops ) before jumping onto the perimeter wall ( over six feet tall ) and like a triumphant boxer at the end of a bout, throwing his arms up into the air.

To my amazement he then revealed a superman cape, ran along the garden wall, and began to fly !
Despite Father O’ Malley giving him the last rites the local hospital said that he should make a full recovery, though Mrs Parker’s fence panel, and her Jerusalem artichokes were beyond salvation.

In court the judge asked Wessely why he thought it prudent to attempt to fly.
‘’I’d do it all again if I had to. I was standing up for Science. If my research was sponsored 10K I’d jump from ten feet. If I was given 50K I would jump from twenty five feet, all because I am a believer in Science.''

To gasps from the public gallery a member of Phoenix Rising ( which one of you ? )was then heard to say that he would sponsor Wessely to the tune of 100K and throw in a free blind-fold.

‘’Order, order’’ as crisp twenty pound notes were thrown in the direction of Wessely along with cries of, ‘’jump jump jump’’.

It was later reported to be the most successful crowdfunding ever to have taken place in the northern hemisphere.

Wessely left the court a free man, as I was told to continue my sentence at home and alone, with time running out.

I will have my day in court one day, and when I do, I'll take the honeysuckle with me.


Thats great.
Now if they make a movie i vote Mr Bean to play Simon wessely, i can picture him waving his arms around etc and choking himself with a stethoscope.
Great writing!

See also:
I've got lots of honeysuckle, and I am very good at propagating it. I may use Quilp's evidence as a selling point on ebay.

It should keep me safe from the enemies too.
Thanks for that laugh. Someone should make a book of the funny things ME patients have said of Wesselly over the years. I bet we could come up with a lot of good ME and Wessely cartoons.
I have donated $100 towards Lipkin's Microbiome appeal. If anyone can spare some money, please would you consider a donation. The only way we are going to rid ourselves of Wessely et al is by helping scientists like Lipkin help people like us.
The money came from my disability and I plan to donate again in March. Perhaps March 2014 will be a month we can all look back on as the beginning of the end for our suffering.
To the silent members of PR working behind the scenes to make this happen, I want to say a big thank you. You know who you are; I will never be able to thank you enough.

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